The Osbournes, Season 3, Episode 1: What a Boy Needs

For those who want to catch up on the news surrounding the family that has happened in the past couple of months since Season Two ended, you can check out the following articles here at RNO: "Catching up on The Osbournes" and "Gearing Up for Season Three of 'The Osbournes.'" Since those two articles pretty much bring us up to the present, we can now go forward into the past (thanks Nick Danger, wherever you are!).

The first episode of the new season opens smack dab in the middle of a conversation between Ozzy and Sharon about what to get Jack for his 17th birthday. Actually, it's a one-sided conversation, as Sharon is talking while Ozzy concentrates on whistling. Sharon ignores the whistling and mentions that she just doesn't know what to get to get Jack and thinks she may just get him a watch. Ozzy continues whistling as the opening credits begin.

Now why does this seem odd? No, not the fact that Ozzy is whistling, but because Jack's 17th birthday was on November 8, 2002. Longtime fans may recall that the last episode of the last season took place on New Year's Eve of that year. In other words, the MTV people have had to rehash incidents from the earlier season in order to find material to kick this season off.

After the intro (which is the same as the previous season), Sharon is getting made-up as Kelly discusses how her comments about Christina Aguilera have gotten blown out of proportion. They have a brief flashback to the first season when Kelly was making fun of Aguilera's singing - the moment that seemed to spark a feud between Kelly and Aguilera. Kelly thinks the whole thing is a bit stupid, but she is next seen in Sharon's bedroom talking about how much she hates Aguilera's video that makes her appear to be naked.

While Kelly appears to be having a bout with good taste about that video, Sharon lectures her to avoid being so negative about "other girl singers," or else it will come back to haunt her. Much like how Christina's makeup job haunts people in their nightmares these days.

Sorry, she didn't say that part. It's just something that needed to be said. I mean, the girl's makeup looks like Mommy's little girl got into the makeup kit. I mean, it would make Anna Nicole say, "Damn, girl, you're wearing too much makeup." I mean, it's bordering on Tammy Faye territory. I'm expecting her to turn into the purple-hair lady from the religious channel at any moment.

But I'm getting away from the show . . ..

The next scene shows Ozzy heading to the dentist. He remarks that Jack's birthday is just two days away and he doesn't know what to get him. At the dentist (which looks similar to the same place Anna Nicole was having her teeth done in Season One of ANS), Ozzy asks for "nitrous" and he gets it. The dentist comments that they have a "special Ozzy level" of the gas, and Ozzy is put under. Or, rather, they attempt to put him under. He finally gets a bit out of it, but not enough to really make him happy. Well, maybe enough to make him "happy," but not enough to put him under.

Jack wants to go to Medieval Times for his birthday. For those who don't know, Medieval Times is a gimmick restaurant that serves food while all types of medieval activities occur in the pit below (sword fights, jousting, etc.). Sharon is not thrilled with the idea, but Jack really wants to go. They argue about what time they can go to the place and then argue over calling the place up on the phone.

Back at the dentist, Ozzy appears nicely toasted. The assistant tells Ozzy that he should rinse. Sitting up and leaning over the spitvalve, Ozzy grabs the cup to rinse, but puts it up to the side of his head instead of his mouth. Some reviewers have already commented on this as being the worst moment in the episodes as "no one could be that out of it." On the other hand, I suspect that he's just goofing off for the cameras and not really trying to look like he doesn't know what he's doing. Maybe so, but it just looks too much like a spontaneous moment of silliness on Ozzy's part and nothing more.

Ozzy is then taken to another area to have his teeth looked at again. He asks for more "nitrous," and his trip to the dentist is a complete success. His teeth look fine as well.

Back in Kelly's world, Kelly is at the studio when she is informed that Christina Aguilera is at the door. Kelly and Melinda rush off to meet her, but while we follow them around for a while, we never actually see anyone meet anyone. In other words, it was a complete waste of time in the episode. There is some discussion about Christina, and as anyone that has read the reports know, Christina at the time seemed obsessed in continue the feud, but there is little to share here in the episode about all that.

Back at the house, Kelly tells Sharon that she doesn't know what to get Jack. Meanwhile, Kelly is on her way out the door to a club and Sharon wants her to take a jacket. Robert gives her a jacket to wear and Kelly is not happy, but leaves with it.