Reality Hit List, June 17: Fiacres and Fiascos

Last week on For Love or Money: Shut up, Paige.

What? You want more? Sigh. The things I do for you people.

This is one of those shows like Joe Millionaire that has what I call a "Cat's in the Cradle" opening. By the time you get through the preamble, the opening credits, and the recap of the last episode, your newborn infant is going to be asking you to borrow the car for prom.

Remember last week how it ended with an anonymous Captain Obvious declaring, "Yesterday, I had a one in fifteen chance of winning a million dollars! Well, today I have a one in ten chance!"? That turned out to be Paige. Color me surprised. We also learn from another anonymous Rhodes Scholar that when less people are in it, the house seems bigger! You know, forget Mr. Wizard - this show will teach your kids all they need to know about math and science!

The voting to see who would be denied an excursion with Rob was fun in that the women were forced to reveal their votes to the entire group. "But-but-we like our pettiness, grudges, and backstabbing to be covert!" you could practically hear some of them thinking. Kelly got fully half the votes, which she shrugged off with sarcastic bravado - which I have to say is a lot more refreshing than the usual round of "They don't like me blah blah not fair yak yak I'm misunderstood blee blah cry yak" confessionals we get in most instances. A tie between Melissa and Paige was broken when Paige got the Heart-Marked Breakfast Plate Of Decision and chose to let Melissa go on the date instead of herself. Obnoxious little suckup - I mean, how selfless and noble of her! "I was being considerate of someone else and not being selfish so somehow it'll come back to me in a good way - but I hope can hang out with him alone!" she whined. "She's mercenary that way," nodded Joe Millionaire's Melissa somewhere in the world.

Besides, even if I liked Paige, I'd still think this was an absolutely stupid move. Whether you want love or money, the object of the show is to get the guy to choose you in the end, not to get the other women to vote you Miss Congeniality. How are you going to do that if you voluntarily remove yourself from a chance to spend time with him? Before anyone can mention it, "Absence makes the heart grow fonder" only exists on cross-stitch samplers. In reality dating shows, it's all about "Love the one you're with."

Also - can we please add "threat" to the growing list of Verboten Reality Television Words? Thanks.

I said last week that I thought this show was produced by macro. {Alt}{j} = Contestant Who Becomes Upset When They Realize That The Person For Whom They're Vying Is Being Affectionate With The Other Contestants = Christina. How dare Rob invite Laura (despite having the same names, I don't think anyone would confuse them for the Petries anytime soon) below deck after he and Christina talked, the bounder? "I guarantee you he's going to end up making out with five different people!" she snitted to Melanie back at the house. Well, yeah, probably. You know, I lost all sympathy and caring for this line of thinking right around the time of The Bachelor 2, which now seems like a couple decades ago given how many shows of this ilk have sprung up since then. Look - whoever's doing the choosing is going to spend time with the others. He or she is more than likely going to kiss the others, if not more. It's going to happen. It always happens. Why does this still come as such a shock to some people? Furthermore, why would it come as a shock to her that Laura might be upset if she heard herself being gossiped about? She then declared, "Laura, at first, I thought was a friend. At this point, I feel as though Laura is not my friend." This is coming from the same girl who announced last week, "I'm here to meet my future husband - not to make a bunch of friends," mind you. And why is she no longer your "friend" - because she called you on talking about her behind her back? "You know how insecure I am - oh, I can't even talk..." Christina continued. Oh, puh-LEEZE. First of all, what does this have to do with the price of venti nonfat nondairy no whip double shot iced chai tea in China? Secondly, it gives those who actually do have some legitimate insecurity issues a bad rep when it's trotted out as a dodge, crutch, or excuse like this. "She plays the martyr very well. I'm not buying it - the whole insecurity talk is getting a little tired at this point," Laura informed us. Amen.

I don't really blame the women for balking at the vintage costumes... they did, for all the world, seem just about one step away from looking like they'd been purchased at a fire sale at the Olesen's General Store. Still, though, Stacey was right when she said you may as well have fun with it. I would have had more fun with Rob's behavior on the date, though:

Stacey: "So, how often do you work out?"
Rob: "I play soccer."

Well, of course! I mean, I write columns as often as when I was in third grade, my teacher's name was Mrs. Stewart. This was topped by one of the funniest sight gags I've seen on this show yet - Stacey asking us in voiceover, "Is this guy the million dollar man?" as we see Rob running around trying to catch a grape in his mouth like a seal. Gee. Decisions, decisions... Still, though, Alima's there for Rob and not for the money! Well, she's not there period at the end of the episode, but let's not get ahead of ourselves.