Reality Hit List, June 17: Fiacres and Fiascos

The women cook dinner for Rob, and Christina, still bucking for first place in the Self-Righteousness Without A Cause Derby, sniffs that Kelly told them what to do and everything had to be Kelly's way! And? You have a voice - if you don't like what Kelly's planning, say so and offer an alternate suggestion! Sheesh! Then Rob took Kelly out of the kitchen for some one on one time because she'd been voted out of the dates and she went, the fiend! Again - if you're bitching about Kelly taking over, how is it that you're then completely lost without her? Melanie sent Paige to go break it up, and Paige didn't really want to interrupt, which is no doubt why she was beaming like a Junior Miss Pageant contestant walking down the hall. Then she and Rob kissed, and it was wonderful and perfect and oh, shut up already.

Much has been made of Rob's behavior at the house after dinner, but really, the squickiness started earlier - on the group date on the boat. Rob taking a digital picture of himself and Laura kissing and leering, "Look at that, baby!"? EW. I mean, like I said, it's inevitable that he's going to be kissing different people, but I draw the line at said kissing becoming part of someone's photo collection! Then, of course, there was the much-talked-about "take off my boots" sequence, in which Laura won my heart by snorting, "Not in this lifetime!" I mean, seriously - could we get any more demeaning and chauvinistic here? Take your own damn boots off! Not our problem if you weren't paying attention during Mr. Rogers' Neighborhood! What's next - slapping the little filly on the keister and asking her to fetch you a brewski? Ugh. For once, Christina actually had something to bitch about. I have to admit I thought it was cool that the women all decided to stick together and go for the money - as Melanie put it, "A million dollars is a nice parting gift!" (Not that she would know, but again, that's getting ahead of ourselves.) All the women except for Paige, who was busy yakking to Rob that the other women are all talking about him and he'll "get the farthest with [her]," which completely clashes with her simultaneously trying to be so sweet she'd make Snow White look like a chainsmoking alcoholic. "I have had THE BEST NIGHT EVER!", she gushed. "He kissed me! [Huge heaving sigh that even Joan Crawford would have considered over the top] My breath is still taken away!" Oh, shut up. Seriously. SHUT. UP. Then the other women crack me up by going around the room and rattling off one word to describe Rob: "Player" (Alima); "Disappointment" (Lauren); "Tramp" (Kelly); "Typical" (Stacey); and so on. St. Paige, however, protests "I'm sleeping!" in a manner so cloying even Snow White would tell her to cram it sideways.

Rob showed up the next day and apologized; he was painfully shy growing up and he's scared of commitment yak yak oh cry me a river. The women seem to forgive him, which would normally have me screaming, "You idiots!" but hey - why shouldn't they go for a million dollars if the guy's an ass? Not that they'll be getting that million dollars in the way that you or I or any other reasonable person would expect - the fine print in the credits reveals that "the prize, which totals $1,000,000, is payable in a financial annuity based over forty years, or the contestant may choose to receive the present cash value of the foregoing annuity." So in other words, they can either get a piddly amount for FORTY FREAKING YEARS, or they can get a lump sum that will deprive them of possibly as much as $800,000 of the million. Yeah, this show's a real class act, alright; about as classy as its leading man. Aside from his behavior in this episode, as David Bloomberg previously reported, he was kicked out of the JAG program in the military for groping a female officer and booted from his law office last week in the wake of this episode and the past military scandal. So hey - faced with dealing with a jackass or getting an (alleged) million dollars, I'd go for the money too! How often do you get a chance to not only make someone who treated you disrespectfully pay for it, but profit from it as well? Even $200,000 would be better than nothing. If that sounds really crass, tough - at this point I'm firmly rooting for one of the remaining women whose name isn't Paige to walk away with the cash. (And as far as love goes, I still say one of them should go for the host. Cheesiness and melodramatic pauses aside, he still seems like a much better catch than Rob. Then again, at this point, so do the squirrels I saw frolicking in Union Square.)

After it takes Rob a good fifteen minutes to dismiss five of the women with his patented "fill in the blank" speeches, we're left with Erin, Kelly, Laura, Lauren, and Paige. Three guesses as to which one I wish would have been booted and the first two don't count. I would have much rather Melissa stayed; not only did I like her, but she honestly seemed to have the most chemistry with Tool - er, Rob. On second thought, maybe it's a good thing she left now. I also kind of liked Melanie, but again, it's kind of hard to be sad about the women entering the Secret Room and [falling into a bottomless pit and being devoured by the Loch Ness Monster] "ending their journeys," because in a lot of ways they're much better off.

Want more proof this show's a class act? It ran at least five minutes over with no warning. It was a good thing I was home or I would have been left wondering whether Stacey or Lauren got booted. Thanks a heap, guys.