Meet My Folks, June 16, The Schmidts (Part 1): White Guys Can’t Bowl

It’s been a long time but here we are, together again: just you, me, and another head-spinning season of Meet My Folks. Let me tell you, it was touch and go there for a while, as I turned on NBC at 10 p.m., only to be greeted by the love child of Bill Clinton and Jay Leno. And he had worse hair than Evan Marriot, if such a thing is possible. Thank heavens; it was only For Love Or Money running late.

When our show finally begins, around 10:10 pm or so, we’re introduced to five dorky guys, each and every one seemingly lacking that spark of Humanity which separates us from the lowly beasts. All five boys appear to be completely interchangeable, yet somehow I will attempt to draw distinctions:

Josh – He’s a student, and describes himself as honest and straightforward.

Pete – His plan is to win over the parents. He looks like Fred Durst.

Chris – He has the exact same plan as Pete, except his eyebrows are severely plucked. Will this be the crucial competitive edge he’s looking for?

Fallon – His plan is to be himself. Not phony. All natural. Except, of course, for the multi-color dye job on his hair.

Ryan – Wearing some kind of shell necklace, he claims, “I have everything together.” Does he mean his luggage? Because if he’s talking about his attitude, he’s sadly mistaken.

These fine specimens of American Manhood will compete for the chance to accompany the lovely Erin Schmidt to Australia for a week, if they can get past her parents.

We’re introduced to Dad Schmidt, and he looks vaguely familiar. Ah, I know! He’s the spitting image of Brian Doyle Murray in Groundhog Day . Even their voices are similar. Mom Schmidt is blonde and smiles a good deal. Daughter Erin is very pretty indeed. She’s a dancer and a student. I wonder what evil she committed in a previous life to deserve these guys.

It’s Wednesday afternoon, and the first round of Dirty Little Secrets arrive by post. It is revealed that Ryan got a girl in high school to do all his homework for him. Seems she had a crush on Ryan, and he took advantage of it. Ryan’s explanation? “She.. uhm… was my tutor!” Yeah, that’s it. His tutor.

Josh took $3,500 from his dad without permission. Josh: “Well, my parents gave me this credit card that was only to be used in emergencies…” Erin helpfully chimes in, “Shopping emergencies! I certainly understand that!” I’m not quite sure if she’s being facetious or not.

Now it’s revealed Pete obsesses over women’s feet. He’s been known to break up with women if their feet are not pretty enough for him. His response? “Of course! I mean, we are talking about feet!” Pete goes on to admit, however, that he finds Erin’s feet quite attractive. The entire country breathes a sigh of relief. Oh, and Mom’s are good, too.

Fallon’s secret turns out to be that he once snowboarded in the nude. Fallon explains it was a dare.

Chris’s secret was that he is single-handedly trying to bring back the pointy sideburn hairstyle from the original Star Trek television series.

No, that’s not true. I kid. I kid because I love. To be honest, I have no idea what Chris’ first dirty secret is, because I’m too stunned by this whole eyebrow waxing thing that “all the guys” seem to be into these days. Seriously, what’s the deal, gentlemen? We women have to do it, but you? Is this a fashion statement, or are you just getting in touch with your feminine side? Someone please email me an explanation.

Back to business: The first round of secrets now revealed, Dad takes the boys aside to give them the rundown of the next few days. “You should know that I’m a school principal,” says Dad. The boys look like they’re in pain. Dad continues: “So there are certain things I expect from you.” Dad then reveals a blackboard list of everything he expects, such as honesty and not even thinking about touching Erin in any way. “It’s going to be a tough few days,” Dad warns the crew.

Dad Schmidt positively loves this position of power. I’m sure it’s taking every ounce of his concentration not to rub his hands together in glee.

The boys shuffle off to bed, wondering how things could possibly get worse.

Thursday morning: Breakfast time. The Schmidts pass eggs and bacon among themselves. The boys sit down, eager for some nourishment, when the fax machine rings. By now, experienced Meet My Folks viewers know fax machines rarely bring good news for anyone associated with the show. I’ll bet even the lowest MMF lackey responds with Pavlovian fear at this point.

This time, the fax message is for Mom, and, alas, it seems the boys will not be eating eggs and bacon this morning. They are getting cold cereal, which awaits them in the cupboard. Mom fetches five cereal boxes, with names ranging from “Unlucky Charms” to “Raisin’ Doubts.” Hee! Those clever folks at Nash Entertainment!

Of course, each box contains a videotape. (Will these guys ever get to eat?) As Dad plays the tapes one by one, we learn the following:

Josh’s Mom reveals Josh has wrecked four cars… three within two weeks of each other. “Mom is lying,” says Josh, using the questionable strategy of accusing your parents when the chips are down.

Next, Chris’ sister tells us that Chris once dropped his pants when he was on a Jumbo-Tron. Chris merely laughs, and says, “It’s true!”

With Ryan’s tape, we learn that Ryan once took his ex girlfriend’s car and ran red lights, just to pile up traffic tickets for her on the automated systems. “It wasn’t manytraffic lights!” says Ryan. Everyone thinks this is just plain mean. Ryan is winning no popularity contests, either with the family or with the other guys.

From Fallon’s grandma, we next find out that Fallon once borrowed $900 and never paid her back. “It was for a car payment! I did pay some of it back…!” Fallon tries to explain, but to no avail. The sweet, silver-haired lady in the videotape is far more believable than the multi-colored coiffed Fallon.

But the most bizarre is yet to come. Pete’s tape gives proof that he obtains panties from all his sexual conquests, so he can keep track. Well, then again, it could be that Pete just went out and bought a slew of women’s underwear. I mean, anything is possible.

Pete all but admits he kept the panties. “But, like… not 50 of them! Geez!” The other guys and the family seem to think this is the worst thing they’ve ever heard of. Okay, it is a bit skeevy, I admit. However, something about purposely running red lights and putting people’s lives in danger skeeves me out a bit more, that’s all I’m saying.

Next up: lunchtime. Didn’t we just get through with breakfast? This is starting to look like one of my vacations. Anyway, now we’re outside on a lovely afternoon, and the boys… still needing food… tentatively sit down at the picnic table. Everything looks normal, except for that hawk that’s attacking Mom Schmidt. Pass the potato salad, please.