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For Love or Money’s Third Episode: The Continuing Battle of Good vs. Evilby Betsy Wasser -- 06/19/2003
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Last week on For Love or Money, we learned that Evil Kelly is still evil, Good Paige (whose name we're changing to Paige Pureheart, thanks to my friend Daz's suggestion) is good, and that Rob is a total jerk. He's such a jerk, in fact, that we're rooting for Evil Kelly to win, take the million bucks, and kick Rob to the curb on her way to Gucci to buy a new handbag. All caught up? Excellent. We now rejoin our battle between good and evil. Will evil triumph? Will Rob's bad behavior continue? Let's see.
It's morning at Misogyny Mansion. Laura is the first to wake up and finds an invitation for the lucky early bird to make breakfast in bed for Rob. Gee, what's second prize? Laura is excited about this dubious honor, and promptly borrows Lauren's dress. Lauren amazingly does not punch her in the mouth. Instead, she gets up and makes the breakfast while Laura primps in the mirror, even though she considers Laura to be strong competition. And what does this little development mean to our heroes? Evil Kelly says, "Well, that sucks," and declares that she wants more one-on-one time with Rob so she can compete with the likes of Laura. Paige Pureheart admits that, "I was a little jealous," and generally looks sad.
Later that morning, Rob tells the women that he'll be going on two double dates, implying that one of the women will be left out. Rob chooses none other than Evil Kelly and Paige Pureheart to go on the first date with him. It's like he wants to help me write my article this week – thanks, Rob! As the two women dash off to get ready for the date, Erin comments, "Paige is apple pie and all smiles, while Kelly is telling it like she sees it." Well put, Erin. In an interview, Kelly says that she doesn't consider Paige Pureheart a threat because she's so young. Paige, on the other hand, considers Kelly "a big threat," and is glad they're going on the same date so she can keep an eye on her. For his part, Rob wonders if Kelly is really as "bossy and aggressive" as the other women claim (I doubt those are the words they use) and if he'll continue to feel "comfortable" with Paige.
The date begins with a helicopter ride. Since I am still under hypnosis from Mr. Personality, I immediately associate the helicopter ride with green-masked Chris. But maybe it's just me. The helicopter takes Paige, Kelly, and Rob to a little town called Avalon, where they cruise around on a golf cart, then have an alfresco lunch. Paige Pureheart enthuses that, "I am seriously one of the luckiest girls in the world!" Right, so lucky to be on a date with a guy accused of sexual misconduct! After lunch, the women discover a box filled with old photos of Rob and his family (including one in his JAG uniform, presumably before they gave him the boot) and poetry written by Rob. Paige Pureheart (whose own poetry can be found, along with Paige thongs, on www.lovepaigejones.com) is rhapsodic about the poems. She clutches one to her heart and begs Rob to let her keep it. Evil Kelly makes snarky comments about Paige and the poetry and laughs behind her hand. Paige declares it, "The best date I've ever been on in my life and there was another girl there." Raise your hand if you think Paige needs to get out more.
Before the limo ride home, Paige excuses herself to use the restroom. Rob takes advantage of that time to kiss Kelly. Excellent. Paige continues to prove that she has very romantic notions about Rob and is still apparently young and naive. Once she discovers how far her fantasy Rob is from the reality, she'll be crushed. Kelly, on the other hand, can handle it. She'll bounce right back from this disappointment and will continue to be evil. These are the things I contemplate while Kelly and Rob continue to kiss. Paige returns, breaking my reverie.
On the limo ride home, Paige mentions something that happened to her "a really long time ago," meaning three years ago. Rob starts teasing Paige about how young she is, while Evil Kelly cackles nefariously. Rob then says, flat out, "You're too young for me!" As it happens, he's right. He's 34. She's 21. A person in their mid-thirties and a person in their early twenties are at completely different phases of life. As much as they might like one another, it will be hard to find common ground. Paige Pureheart doesn't see it that way, and bites her lip trying not to cry. In an interview, the tears flow, and she says it was, "like a knife stabbing me in the heart." She is convinced that she will be eliminated because of her age. She has no idea how lucky she'll be if that's true.
Rob chooses Laura and Lauren to go on the next double date with him. Before they leave, he excuses himself, leaving them alone in the limo. However, unlike Rob and Kelly, Laura and Lauren do not use this time to make out. Sorry, folks. Anyway, Rob finds Erin and tells her that they'll be going out alone that night. Rob takes the two L's to The Derby so that they can take turns dancing with him. Imagine how boring it would be to go on a date and sit on a barstool watching your date dance with someone else. Then imagine how boring it would be to sit on your couch and watch someone watch two other people dance. That's pretty much how dull this part of the show is. My interest perks up for a moment when Paige Pureheart's pretty pink claws come out for a moment. She says that she doesn't think Lauren is interested in Rob, "but she's still here." Right, Paige, but you know what's more interesting than Rob? A million bucks, that's what.
Rob's final date with Erin is a romantic dinner on the beach. In an interview, Erin says that she's not interested in Rob, but is willing to fake it in hopes of winning the money. She hopes she doesn't have to kiss him, but is willing to do it if it's necessary to stay. Awesome. If Evil Kelly doesn't win, that's exactly the kind of attitude we're looking for in our winner. Rob says that it's great to have dinner in such an amazing setting and to have "this beautiful woman to stare at." Ew, creepy. Unfortunately by the end of the evening, Erin is starting to like Rob more than she did. No! Resist! Resist!
Erin returns home from the date and finds all four women waiting up for him. Kelly glares at Erin and tells her that she is way past her curfew. Erin tells the others that the date was "nice" and that Rob didn't even try to kiss her. Paige Pureheart and Evil Kelly think she's holding something back. As Evil Kelly thinks about how to sneak some arsenic into Erin's breakfast cereal, Paige Pureheart assures Kelly that even though she's jealous, "It'll be okay." The two women ponder the fact that Rob kissed both of them, but not Erin. They wonder if Rob considers them the kind of women he'll kiss, but not Erin, as if that would be a bad thing for them. Girls? Guys LIKE being around the kind of women they're interested in kissing.
The next night, it's time for another elimination. Only one woman will be booted. Jordan, the host, offers all of the women one last chance to talk to Rob before he makes his decision. Lauren tells him she's having a great time and wants to get to know him better. Boring. Kelly offers Rob a teaser that she has questions she wants to ask him when they're alone. Intriguing… and a little evil! Laura says the two of them have an "undeniable attraction." They totally do. Erin thanks him for their date and gives him a note calling him "quite the gentleman." Too bad she didn't mean it sarcastically. Paige, like an idiot, walks on by Rob and doesn't stop to talk to him.
The women gather outside for the elimination. Rob inexplicably dumps Laura with a statement that she calls "ill prepared." Evil Kelly says she's not interested in the money, that she wants to get to know Rob. Okay, but once you do, Kelly, that money's going to look a lot more appealing. Paige is starry-eyed and says, "My heart felt so full!" Yeah, Rob's full of something, all right.
Next week, Rob finds out about the money. Will this information take down Evil Kelly? Will Paige Pureheart prevail? Let's hope not – go, Evil Kelly!
Betsy can be reached with any comments at firstname.lastname@example.org.
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