Meet My Folks, June 23, The Schmidts (Part 2): A Kiss is Just a Kiss

When we last left the Schmidts, Mom and Dad had already dispatched two of the five young men seeking to take their daughter Erin to Australia for a week. The three suitors left in the running are:

Pete, who has spiky hair and steals women’s underwear, thus making him The Bad Boy.

Chris, who has peculiar eyebrows and once dropped trou while being on a Jumbotron, thus making him The Wacky Guy.

Ryan, who has his own business and his own house, and thinks this entitles him to win, thus making him a Legend in his Own Mind.

As we can see, it’s slim pickings here at the Schmidt Mansion, but fortunately, we only have 50 minutes to go, as For Love Or Money ran late once again. So, let’s get started.

There’s a hush all over the gorgeous Schmidt Estate. It’s dawn, and not a ripple is stirring in the lovely pool and Jacuzzi. Not a blade of grass is out of place on the sumptuous green lawn. Boy, Mr. Schmidt does well for himself, doesn’t he? Who knew school principals earned this kind of money?

They don’t. But, there’s a sign over the front door that says, “The Schmidts” and if that isn’t proof of ownership, what is? I mean, it’s not like this show is trying to mislead us or something. Aren’t I right? Aren’t I?

Okay, so it’s dawn. And even if it isn’t, let’s just pretend. Saturday at 6 a.m., to be precise. Pete and Erin emerge out the front door, on their way to a private date: watching the sunrise. Pete’s carrying a picnic basket, thus indicating people may actually be consuming food in this episode. Pete and Erin choose a quiet, romantic spot. They move closer, and appear to nuzzle. Do they actually kiss? It’s not quite clear, but Erin says Pete seems sweeter to her than before. Hmm.

Next comes Erin’s private date with Ryan. They go horseback riding, and another picnic meal awaits them. Yay, more food! Look, there’s Ryan and Erin, sitting among the sunflowers! And here’s Ryan and Erin kissing! Aww, how cute. How innocent. How charming. Hope this doesn’t come back to bite you in the butt, Ryan.

Date Three: Eyebrow Chris takes Erin to a bakery, where they get free reign in the kitchen to concoct their own chocolate desserts. There’s lots of hi-jinx and merriment, as chocolate is thrown back and forth. Frosting and syrup gets everywhere. Who can resist licking it off? Certainly not Chris, as he attempts to smooch Chocolate Erin. Yum, yum!

Back at The Schmidt Compound, the three boys are together again, and trade notes. Did you kiss her, the boys ask of each other. They each start off coyly with their responses. However, testosterone kicks in, as all boys end up indicating to some degree that they are indeed manly men.

To the camera, Ryan once more tells us he’s the obvious choice for Mom and Dad. May I just take this moment to remind America that Ryan was the one who purposely ran a bunch of red lights in his ex-girlfriend’s car, so the automated camera system would catch “her” in the act. I’ve heard a lot of bad secrets over the past seasons of this show, but I must say that this one is right up there. We’re talking about something that actually put people’s lives at risk. For my money, Ryan is no catch.

Pete tells the camera that he is concerned. Evidently, he feels that there are more bad secrets that have yet to be spilled, and he’s worried about the effect they will have on the family.

As if on cue, Dad Schmidt appears in the doorway, and tells the boys to change into their swimming trunks; it’s time for a dip in the pool. But no, this is just an excuse to get everyone poolside, where we meet three unexpected bathing beauties: The Ex-Girlfriends.

As always, the boys are forbidden to speak as the Ex Girlfriends spill their guts. Pete’s ex reveals that during a cross-country car trip, Pete brought a gas credit card with him, and said he’d pay for all the fuel. Unfortunately, no such gas station ever appeared during the entire trip. In a weak attempt to make up for this, Pete tried to schmooze money from strange women along the way. And in general, Pete never brings his wallet when he meets friends at the movies or for dinner. Pete unhappily admits this is all true.

Ryan’s ex then tells us that he’s in love with himself. Whoa, there’s breaking news. It seems Ryan always comes first with Ryan, and he’s no more than a Ken doll looking for his Barbie. Ryan explains that yes, this is true… he does have high standards. He has his own business, after all. Suddenly, I have the overwhelming urge to hit Ryan over his blonde Ken head with a sock full of manure.

Chris’ ex reveals that Chris has to have his eyebrows waxed once a week. But that’s not all, folks. He likes to wear make up! No way! Way! What a shock! What a scandal! Oh, and also? Chris drinks a lot/is an angry drunk/blacks out on occasion, but who cares about that? Chris waxes his eyebrows! And uses makeup. Chris denies the drinking and makeup thing.

Okay, that’s the end of the girlfriends; we have to move along now. Suddenly, it’s dinnertime. In fact, it’s after dinner, and the doorbell rings. The postman is at the door, delivering a videotape entitled, “Pop’s Quiz/” Ha! Pop’s Quiz. Pop Quiz. Get it? He’s a school principal, remember? I tell you, watching this show is like being at the Algonquin Round Table.

So, everyone gathers ‘round the TV to watch the tape. Turns out that it’s highlights of the three private dates from earlier that day.

Remember that list Dad gave the guys last week? The one with all the rules about what not to do? It seems that kissing Erin was on that list. So, what we are now watching is Dad’s rules being broken. We watch Ryan kissing Erin in the sunflowers; we watch Chris kissing Erin in the chocolate. Dad Schmidt is not a happy camper.

And now, we watch Pete on the tape. We watch Pete and Erin nuzzle as they watch the sun rise. But... they do not kiss. Whoo hoo! Way to go, Pete-ster! Dad is shocked but very pleased, and tells everyone how proud he is of Pete. Pete has been redeemed, and he smiles shyly. Chris and Ryan feel the noose tightening around their necks.

The fax rings, and it is announced that the parents have fifteen minutes to eliminate one of the guys. Let’s just cut to the chase here, because this should be obvious: Chris is kicked out. Even I guessed that. As much as I loathe Ryan, anyone who picked Chris to stay after the drinking/blackout revelation should rethink their priorities.

I’m sorry, Chris, but makeup or no makeup, you deserved to get the boot. Please look into getting some help with alcohol. Blackouts aren’t cute, sexy, or manly.

After Chris does the obligatory slow-mo exit out the front door, our attention turns back to the pool. It’s nighttime, and Erin will have one more private date with each of the two boys. To make the dates even more romantic, a tuxedoed violinist appears out of nowhere, and begins to play. Hey, he’s cute. Is he available?