The Osbournes, Season 2, Episode 13: Run, Ozzy, Run

Before getting to this week’s review, the big news of the week in Osbourne-land is Ozzy going public with news that a woman claims that he fathered her child six years ago. Ozzy has stated that the woman is just out to get money from him, denying he is the father as he had a vasectomy 17 years ago. The woman wants to settle the claim out of court, but Ozzy so far has refused to do so because it would essentially give credence to the woman’s claim. Ozzy’s position is that he would never do anything to hurt his marriage or his children, and refuses to cave in on the matter.

Further developments will no doubt be forthcoming. But now on with the show.

The episode begins with a mischievous Sharon walking past Ozzy’s room, whereupon Ozzy comes out to tell Sharon that someone has taken his beer. Sharon shyly deflects the accusation, telling Ozzy that the only person who could be the beer thief is him. My guess would be either that or a very tipsy Goldilocks. If Ozzy finds that someone has been sitting in his chair and sleeping in his bed, then I think he’ll have his culprit. Ozzy stutters and mumbles to himself, as Sharon laughs and walks away.

After the opening credits, Ozzy is seen working out with his trainer, Pete, in the exercise room. Pete says that tomorrow is the big day for Ozzy – not only will Ozzy be turning 54, but he will attempt to run five miles as part of his exercise regimen. Ozzy’s not sure if he can do it, but Pete tries to keep his spirit up about it.

Later, Ozzy is seen with his assistant, Tony. Ozzy wants to know when his BMW that he ordered will arrive. His assistant calls out on it and finds out that the car is still 100 miles away. Ozzy wants them to put the “pedal to the metal,” because he wants it “this [bleeping] afternoon.” In the next scene, a sleek, black BMW pulls up to the house and Ozzy is very happy with the car. He and Tony go for a ride in the car as the BMW person shows it off to Ozzy.

The driver shows off the voice-activated radio, which can be turned on and off with a vocal command and thus no need to fiddle with the controls while driving. Ozzy isn’t sure if the radio will understand his voice, but the driver is sure of it. Unfortunately, Ozzy turns out to be correct, as the computer voice-activated system keeps asking him to repeat his command. Ozzy tells it to “shut the [bleep] up,” but that doesn’t seem to do the trick either.

Tony and Ozzy are next seen delivering a box of flowers to Sharon while she undergoes her chemo. Ozzy states that they “stole them from the local [bleeping] cemetery.” Sharon, with Jack sitting next to her, is delighted to see Ozzy and asks him what he wants to do for his birthday. They are all distracted by a video from Kelly’s album playing on the television. At least it seems that way. For Ozzy it turns out that the pinging sound of the medical unit hooked up to Sharon is what is bothering him. He stands up and looks over the machine and Jack warns him not to touch it or else Sharon may get an overdose.

Ozzy is next seen getting ready for his five-mile run with Tony and Pete at the house. But first, a little birthday present from them. Ozzy thinks it is knockwurst, but it is actually a watch that monitors his heartbeat. Ozzy doesn’t think that he will be able to read it, but Tony and Pete think he’ll do fine with it. A little while later, they move into the kitchen so that Ozzy can have a little something to eat before the run. Pete also points out that he has made a concoction for Ozzy to drink to help get him going as well.

Taking the BMW to the track, Ozzy spends the trip yelling, cursing, and having a ball with the voice-recognition system of the car. Once at the track, Pete tries to get Ozzy motivated for the run, while Tony keeps getting calls on his cellphone. Ozzy tells him to turn the [bleeping] thing off and Tony throws the cellphone into the grass. Ozzy runs up to it as if to jump on it, but doesn’t at the last moment. It does cause Tony to run over and save his cellphone from possible destruction, however.

The trio start off fine, but after nearly two miles, Ozzy has to stop. He states that he wore new shoes and his right foot is really troubling him. Pete wants him to stop, and Ozzy tries to argue a little against it, but is finally persuaded to go back to the car. Pete tries to keep Ozzy’s spirit up and says that they’ll do it tomorrow, but Ozzy is obviously a bit upset over having to give up so soon. After a couple of tries he is able to get the radio on and they drive back to the house.

Back at the house, Tony and Ozzy discuss Pete. Both notice that Pete never drinks water, never sweats, never uses the bathroom and is always talking. “He’s a [bleeping] alien,” Ozzy says. All this talk of exercising leads to Sharon showing Ozzy how to stretch a leg over the banister. Ozzy gives it a try himself and gets stuck. He starts calling for Sharon as the scene switches to later in the day. Sharon and Tony get Ozzy outside to watch a plane skywrites Ozzy’s name. Ozzy watches but is not impressed. He says it is crap, royally ticking Sharon off. Eventually Ozzy plays it as if he was merely joking around, thanking Sharon with a kiss. Jack then tells Ozzy about the fireworks Jack will be lighting later. They’re “proper” fireworks, Jack tells Ozzy, which “go up and go boom!” Ozzy tries to sound impressed.

Later, a cake arrives for Ozzy that has a large stylized bat on it, which Ozzy loves. He is next seen being cheered on by a room full of people in the dining room. Finally, Jack sets off his fireworks and then a group of balloons are released to end the festivities.

In the last segment of the show, Ozzy and Pete finally complete the five-mile run. Ozzy is happy, but he’s still arguing with the car. “I’ve got a wife that nags me,” Ozzy sighs, “now I’ve got a [bleeping] car that nags me.”

After the nicely paced twelfth episode, this episode seems a bit all over the place and strangely dull, even if it does only deal directly with Ozzy’s birthday. Some nice moments with Ozzy in the car and trying to do his run, but Ozzy also seems a bit more out of it than usual, as if he’s not working on as many cylinders as he normally would. Of course, some would joke that he never seems to be working on many cylinders anyway, but that is beside the point – he seems a bit out of touch with everything in this episode. In fact, many people are seen helping him get through the day: blowing out the candles on his cake for him, telling him to release the balloons properly, and trying to keep him motivated for his run. Of course, birthdays are usually more for everyone else than the birthday person, but it is still a bit disheartening to watch everyone directing Ozzy through the day. Hopefully it was just an off-day for him.

That is not to say that the series is going to get better next time around. Previews tell us that the next episode will feature Ozzy and Sharon going to Hawaii, and Jack getting completely out of control while they are gone. Yep, another Kelly/Jack special coming up, and we’ll be here next week to survey the damage. Until then, as Cub Koda always said, see you at the record bins.

You can e-mail Dale about this column or his other projects at justabob@iglou.com. His book, The Urban Legends of Rock and Roll: You Never Can Tell, is now available! You can click here to buy that one and any of Dale’s other books.

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