America’s Next Top Model, Episodes 3-5: Catching Up

OK, it’s time to catch up on what’s been going on with America’s Next Top Model. First, I would like to thank Jamie Goralski, who started recapping America’s Next Top Model but was unable to continue after the first few episodes. Girl, you were funny and thorough! I enjoyed your column and I will do my best to try and fill your shoes.

Secondly, I would like to plagiarize (the highest form of flattery) my online recapping idol, Larry Johnson of GayComedyJournals.com, when I say; “There are certainly some who will scoff at my use of shallow, surface attributes to judge our Survivors.” (Please substitute the words “model wannabes”’ for “Survivors” in the quote above.)

For those of you who find my use of “shallow, surface attributes” offensive, stop reading my article, damn it! No need to email me about being a hater, about how I am probably short and fat and not happy with my own body/image/face/hair etc. No kidding, Einstein! Why else do you think I would write an article that meticulously picks at every minute screw-up each “model” makes on a weekly basis and mercilessly makes fun of all the participants (even my odds-on-favorite to win, Elyse)?

I will continuously prove that yes, in fact, I am a hypocrite, and no, in fact, I do not have a shred of sympathy for these women who chose to exploit themselves on this program. You would have to live in a cave somewhere in the Ukraine not to know what type of disparagement and condemnation you will be subjected to should you ever choose to place yourself on one of these reality TV shows.

Having said all that, let me also point out that I get paid very little money, am penniless, and own nothing, so sue me if you don’t like what I have to say and see how far it will get you. But remember, the truth is a defense. Heh.

Summary of Episodes One and Two: Just trying to pick up where Jamie left off…

In the first episode , the ten “lucky” girls get picked from the millions of model-wannabes, move into the fancy Flatotel in NYC, pose on top of a building in eight degree weather, and Tessa gets the boot. Episode Two was one of my favorites (and Jamie’s recap of it was also one of my all-time favorites – I mean, come on, who else would have admitted to actually trying the walking-while-removing-your-jacket trick?) In this episode, Katie gets cut, screaming, "I'll be on the covers of magazines! You'll see!" And then she flies away on her bicycle with Adrienne’s pet pink-toed tarantula in the basket on the back as the rest of the models watch from the window.

By the way, whoever it is that is writing for the UPN site either has a very selective memory or wants us all to just “get along.” How could you possibly skip Elyse’s comment regarding the “vapid” conversations in the flat (from episode two)? For those models reading along at home, vapid is a fancy word meaning dull or trite. Trite is a short but not-so-common word meaning commonplace. Commonplace is a long word meaning… well, you get the idea. Or maybe not.

Because we don’t want to take up 18 pages on the site, I will just highlight the important points on the next three episodes (gossip/fights/snide remarks).

Episode Three: "It's really, really-really-really hard. Really hard." - Nicole

This episode starts off with Adrienne and Elyse smoking in the bathroom together and discussing the competition. I must comment here that later, in Episode Five, Elyse states that she does not have an eating disorder. She says something along the lines of she was (is?) an EMT, she was a bio-science major in college, she’s well-educated and knows how bad it is for you to be bulimic and/or anorexic, blah blah blah. Therefore, we should conclude that she could not POSSIBLY have an eating disorder because she is so smart. Initially, I was buying this argument and cheering my oh-so-intelligent waif along. Now that I am writing these recaps, however, I must point out the flaw in Elyse’s argument: SHE IS SMOKING IN THE BATHROOM. The flawed logic is so obvious I don’t find it necessary to point out where she went wrong.

Anyway, Elyse and Adrienne talk about the competition and we hear some sob story about why Adrienne needs this so bad. I was thinking maybe it was to help pay for the lockjaw surgery she so obviously needs.

Then the ladies get their makeup and hair done, and for some reason this time hair and makeup is special. (I think because they are making permanent changes.) Tyra points out that there's a huge difference between "beauty in real life and beauty in the modeling industry." OK, let’s stop here. I am going to have to quote Tyra throughout my articles simply because her statements are so unbelievably quote-worthy. I will refer to them as Tyraisms or just plain stupid, depending upon whether or not I got enough sleep the night before. Today they are Tyraisms.

There seems to be much drama over this trip to the beauty parlor, and of course our favorite drama queen Robin takes the cake (and eats it too, apparently). One of my favorite quotes from this episode was not Robin’s statement, "I look like an albino prostitute," but Elyse’s follow-up comment, “I'm not really familiar with prostitute trends.” Meow.

Was Robin actually crying over the color of her hair? Did we already use the word vapid in this episode? If not, I would like to point out how vapid a human being would have to be to CRY over the color of their hair. Particularly when it is done by one of fashion’s most respected hair colorists/stylists. Speaking of vapid, did Nicole really spend $1500 on hair extensions? Hey, if you don’t like what I write in this article, sue Nicole. Clearly she can afford it.