America’s Next Top Model, Episodes 3-5: Catching Up

Now that we are talking about hair, boy, they really screwed up Ebony’s hair, huh? What? Is it just me or is this woman bald? I’m sorry if I’m missing something here, but SHE HAS NO HAIR. How can they screw up her hairstyle so badly when there was none there in the first place? And she is pissed. Boy, did I miss the boat on that one. She rants on and on about how “inappropriate” it is to have white people mess with her head. Robin is in the background making fun of her. In this scene, I actually like Robin.

I really liked this episode because even the makeup guy is yelling at them. I mean, the judges go to town every week now, so we sort of expect it from them. But the makeup guy just lets fly and is all pissed that Robin and Nicole don’t like their new “styles.”

The workout guy shows up and they have to go to the gym. Robin is remarkably lazy and refuses to work out, so she gets yelled at some more. Adrienne is a nut when it comes to the gym. She is pumping iron Arnold-style and the workout guy loves her.

Later, the wannabe-models have their photos taken with snakes and Robin just about loses her mind. The photos actually look pretty cool though.

The big “test” of this episode is that they have to replicate some horrific photo of Ms. Tyra herself. This photo is unbelievable. It looks like a twelve-year-old was really, really mad at Tyra and was allowed to do her hair and makeup blindfolded. The models have to do their own hair and makeup (the horror!) and attempt to copy the photo of Tyra. (I think they only had a certain amount of time in which to do it, but I’m not really sure.) Needless to say, they all looked ridiculous, but somehow the judges were able to keep straight faces and actually “critique” them on how well they did. Nicole gets sent packing.

Can I just say here that although I am trying my darnedest to keep this recap under 15 pages, I have to give huge props to the editors of this program? Now, you may not agree with the content of the show, or you may think it is all a bit shallow, but the editing is terrific. The underlying story throughout this episode was Nicole’s ridiculous relationship with her 15-year-old boyfriend - some guy that gets paid to ride his bicycle. (Not a messenger, but close, I think.) The opening of this show is a voiceover of Nicole stating how great this opportunity will be for her and how thankful she is to have this time to truly be INDEPENDENT. She blathers on about how being away from her boyfriend will really give her a chance to prove herself and become her own person.

Cut to about fifty different shots of Nicole phoning her boyfriend and leaving pathetic whining message after pathetic whining message on his voicemail. Heh. Towards the end of the show she’s calling her boyfriend’s mother, practically crying, asking her why hasn’t he called her yet. Finally, she gets a hold of him and he acts like a ten-year-old, yelling at her and treating her like the total doormat she apparently is. I only call her a doormat because in the end, Nicole sabotaged herself and it led to her own demise. I would be interested in finding out if they are still even together, and how hard is she kicking herself in the arse over that mistake?!

Episode Four: “Tyra said it seemed as though I was a little angry about something.” - Ebony

In this episode, the girls have to get up early (gasp!) and go work out (double gasp!). Robin is quickly winning over the gym guy with her complete inability to even fake like she is working hard. Then they go to acting class. Ebony and Adrienne have to move into Tokyo. Giselle is not having it.

Ebony seems to be the only person who accepts the judges’ criticisms and actually chooses to use the information to try to better herself. Because Ebony was told her skin isn’t perfect (how do you fix that?), she decides the answer is to lube herself up slicker than a pig in you-know-what with moisturizer. She is constantly applying lotion, grease, Vaseline, and who knows what else to her body. (Again, kudos to the brilliant editing team.) She is like a walking oil slick leaving puddles of slippery stuff wherever she goes. Apparently, this really pisses Giselle off. Giselle talks about how she is going to confront Ebony. Elyse claps her hands in glee, then passes out from overexhaustion and expenditure of calories.

Ebony decides to invite her girlfriend over, but first has the common decency to ask the other roommates whether or not this is OK with them. The Christian Coalition of Divas, or the CCOD as I will refer to them from now on – Keese, Shannon, and "Miss Robin" (if you're nasty – like she is!) – are very upset at the idea.

Hey, here’s one for the CCOD - how about “judge not lest ye be judged”? Ever read that one? (Sorry, I really must apologize for my outburst. However, the Bible-thumping, soapbox-preaching, holier-than-thou attitude is a particularly aggravating characteristic and it really bothers me. Maybe because yes, I am a Christian myself, and I find it incredibly hypocritical to judge others when the running theme throughout the Bible is to love, not judge, one another.)

Anyway, Robin shows the utmost in rudeness when she actually hides in her bedroom while Ebony’s girlfriend is visiting. Hey Robin, it isn’t a disease - you can’t catch it, for goodness sake!

The ladies all argue about how disgustingly dirty the house is, and each thinks they are doing more cleaning than everyone else. Everyone except for Giselle who, according to Elyse, is so lazy she won’t even get out of bed and get herself a bowl of Lucky Charms.