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America’s Next Top Model, Episodes 3-5: Catching UpPage 3
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Then they have what they refer to as the “Spa Challenge.” Yes, they actually called it a challenge. Here is another disclaimer: I am not going to say that anything these women have to do is easy. I am sure it is not a walk in the park to sit there for hours and have someone apply globs and globs of makeup to your face, or tease the crap out of your hair for what would seem like an eternity, or pose in a swimsuit in eight-degree weather, but a challenge? Isn’t a challenge supposed to be something that is difficult? For example, climbing Mt. Everest - now that would be a challenge. Participating in the Iron Man Triathlon - that would be a challenge. Memorizing medical textbooks? Challenge. Reading lines of a page out loud in front of some people? Not so much.
Robin wins this “challenge” and chooses the other members of the CCOD to enjoy massages, manicures, and pedicures, while the devil worshippers are forced to clean the flat, thus proving once again that God likes the CCOD more than the devil worshippers. Giselle does an amazing job of actually not doing anything while the rest of the devil-worshippers clean. Finally, Ebony, in her signature understated manner, loses her mind and begins yelling at Giselle, making many threatening hand gestures and several life-threatening head bobs while she chases Giselle around the house. Robin leaps to Giselle’s aid, Bible in hand, screaming at the devil to “leave this vessel immediately.” Ebony falls to the ground writhing in pain as Robin splashes holy water on her.
The next day, they have to shoot a commercial about contact lenses. Finally, someone notices Adrienne’s speech impediment, and they do a million takes trying to get her to say some word that escapes me right now. Something like “yes,” but Adrienne cannot seem to be able to form the word correctly. Geesh. You just now noticed this? How about during the original competition when she tried to speak in L.A.? Didn’t you all notice there was an issue back then?
Shannon can’t remember her lines, while Ebony just can’t do anything right.
Ebony gets cut, and Tyra tells her she has a chip on her shoulder and seems angry. And the Understatement Of The Year Award goes to… TYRA BANKS. Thank you.
Episode Five: “If I'm coming home, it's because I didn't do so well here." - Giselle
In this episode, we are bombarded with Giselle’s lack of self-esteem, and I promise not to use the word “fierce.”
The wannabe models (and Tyra) are convinced Giselle is fishing (you have to actually mime that you are fishing when you say this… cast your line out and then reel it in on your pretend fishing pole) for compliments when she voices her self-doubt. Maybe she is fishing (again with the fake fishing mime), or maybe she is 18 years old and constantly criticized by her family, thereby lacking in any self-confidence whatsoever. Either way, I am glad she gets voted off this episode because I, for one, am tired of hearing a tall, skinny, beautiful woman who has the body to actually be a supermodel complain about her looks. I mean, it’s the fault of women like her that we normal women have no self-esteem… geesh. Get it straight, girlfriend.
Oh yeah - this is also the episode where everyone discusses Elyse’s apparent eating disorder. In my opinion, they all have eating disorders, so I’m not sure what it takes to qualify in their minds.
They have to practice speaking to journalists and the paparazzi and meet with Tyra’s publicist. They are told what to do and what not to do when talking to a reporter. Then they have their big “challenge,” which consists of talking to someone while riding in a carriage through what appears to be Central Park. OK - I’m not going to start on the whole “challenge” thing again. Although this challenge really throws Kesse (Tyra Jr.) for a loop, because Elyse wins for doing everything she wasn’t supposed to do. I can empathize with Kesse’s confusion here, although the reporter does explain that Elyse came off more “real” than any of the others. (In other words, Elyse let fly with the dirt on the other girls whereas Robin talked about how perfect she was.)
I cannot pass up this opportunity to remind everyone of what has now come to be my absolute favorite moment in reality TV. After explaining to the reporter how wonderful she is, how innocent and pure, how God-fearing and lovely, and how absolutely amazing she finds herself, the reporter asks Robin if she’s ever done something that perhaps hasn’t been so perfect. Robin can’t think of anything and when the reporter pushes her, exclaiming, “Come on - I’ve yet to meet anyone who is perfect,” she ACTUALLY SAYS, “Well, now you have met Miss Robin!”
I really think I should just end the recap here. I mean, it can’t get any better than that, can it? Oh wait - we get to meet Elyse’s boyfriend.
Elyse wins the “challenge” and her reward is getting to see her boyfriend. You sort of have to see it because words cannot describe it. It is adorable, but he looks like he must be about 5’7” and doesn’t work out a whole lot.
Elyse also picks Adrienne to receive a visit from someone and Adrienne picks her mom. This whole relationship really weirds me out, but hey, whatever floats your boat.
To make a long recap as short as possible, Elyse has somewhat of a mental breakdown on the phone with her mom over the whole “eating disorder,” actually calls Robin a “bitch,” and has a wonderful time with her boyfriend (who states that she does in fact eat ice cream - sometimes even right after dinner!).
They all have a photo shoot with an NFL star who is apparently “lusting” after Robin. The judges rip the wannabes apart yet again, and send Giselle packing.
That brings us up to date as far as episode 5!
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