Meet My Folks, July 1, The Dappers (Part 2): It’s a Jungle Out There, But at Least We Know a Good Dry Cleaner

When we last left the Dappers, two girls had been disposed of. We’re now down to Ana, Chauntal, and Chelsea. One will win a trip to Greece with the handsome, earring’ed Marco Dapper.

It’s Friday night, and all three girls tell the camera that each fully expects to win. Of course, this is before the fax machine in their room rings. Turns out all the girls have to perform certain tasks during dinner with mom, or the following Bad Facts will be revealed:

1. Ana once wrote profanities on the dorm room wall of her ex-boyfriend.
2. Chauntal quit not one but three jobs without notice, and just walked out on them.
3. Chelsea once entered a bar’s “Sexy Girl” contest and danced in her underwear.

There is much intense negotiating to determine who performs which task. Eventually, it is determined that that Ana will pretend to see a mouse, scream, and climb on her chair – twice. Chelsea will have to hug and kiss Mom while telling her she loves her, also twice. And poor Chauntal must twice sniff Mom and offer to lend her deodorant. (Spoiler: Please note that this is the last time I will use the phrase “poor Chauntal” in this recap. You have been warned.)

Tonight, dinner is a rotating affair. Each girl will eat a different course alone with Mom, Dad, or Marco. The first girl alone with Mom is Chelsea. During a conversation about Chinese food, Chelsea leaps up to hug and kiss Mom. She tells Mom she loves her, because she, Chelsea, shares Mom’s love of Asian cuisine. I guess this is as good a pretense as any. Soon after she sits down, Chelsea is up again, to hug, kiss and declare her love for Mom Dapper. Chelsea has completed her task admirably.

Ana is next alone with Mom, and during their part of the meal, Ana – in a fairly convincing performance – twice pretends to spy a mouse, and screams. Unfortunately, due to high heels or a disturbance in Time/Space Continuum, Ana is unable to climb onto her chair during either attempt.

Next up is Chauntal, and while she appropriately insults Mom by offering her deodorant twice, Chauntal fails to actually sniff Mom the second time. So close, and yet so far.

When everyone is finally together again in the kitchen, the fax machine informs them of the tasks that the girls had to do. Chelsea succeeded but the others did not. Ana and Chauntal’s bad secrets are revealed. Mom and Dad respond appropriately. But Chauntal is not satisfied with the rules of the game, and starts openly teasing Chelsea that her unspoken “bad fact” is far worse.

Of course, now Mom and Dad Dapper’s curiosity is up. Chauntal continues to taunt Chelsea mercilessly, until Chelsea is forced to tell her own bad fact. Ana just grins and encourages Chauntal’s antics.

(Private Message to Chauntal: Hon, that kind of behavior is called “Being a Poor Loser.” It’s not pretty, and did nothing to raise your stock with the viewers or the Dappers. On the other hand, I can certainly envision the show’s producers putting you up to this. I wonder which is the case? If they are trying to edit you into the Villain Role, they’re doing a great job, because I totally despise you right now.)

So, Chelsea, despite her success with the Dinner Task, ends up having to spill the beans, but she tries to downplay the whole “dancing in underwear” part. Who could blame her? Chauntal smiles triumphantly, enjoying her temporary Queen Bee position. Personally speaking, I’m looking forward to someone wiping that smirk off her face.

As if Dad Dapper had read my mind, suddenly, it’s 6 a.m. on Saturday morning, and everyone’s headed off to the gym. Seems Dad thinks there’s tension in the air, and blowing off some steam would do everyone a world of good.

The steam blowing method du jour is Kickboxing. Decked out in headgear, mouth guards, and boxing gloves, Ana and Chauntal go first, as Dad cleverly wants the winner of this bout to face Chelsea. To start the match, Marco rings the bell. I didn’t know one had to be topless in order to do this job. But he looks good, so I won’t complain.

At first, the fighting between Ana and Chauntal is tepid. There’s more giggling than real blows or kicks. Finally, because this is only an hour-long show, Ana is declared the winner. That means she faces Chelsea.

While this match isn’t as satisfying as a Chauntal/Chelsea bout, Chelsea still takes it seriously. In fact, Ana voiceovers that she thinks Chelsea “went psycho,”, and actually started fighting for real. The theme from “Rocky” starts to play, and Marco – still topless – holds up the Round Cards. We’re in Round Three of this Battle Royale when Ana is declared the winner. The prize? A framed photo of Marco.

Next up: the Private Dates. First we have Ana and Marco, walking in the rain. They walk and walk. And it’s raining. I hear laughter in the rain. But not enough laughter for Mom and Dad, who are conveniently hidden in a van and watching the entire date on TV. Mom and Dad seem to feel Ana and Marco don’t have enough chemistry. Ana and Marco walk to a nearby mountain cabin, where they talk and cuddle, and kiss. Still Mom and Dad despair of any real connection between the two.

Date Two is Chauntal and Marco at a restaurant. Once again, this date is being monitored by Mom and Dad in the van. Chauntal voiceovers that she feels they really connected. Marco voiceovers that he’s digging Chauntal. Mom and Dad in the van are satisfied that chemistry exists.

Date Three is Chelsea and Marco at a wildlife sanctuary. Mom and Dad’s Spy Center On Wheels is still there, but for the first time, I notice the logo on the van: MMF Cleaners – Your Dirty Laundry Is Our Business. This completely cracks me up, so much so that I barely notice some kind of leopard or tiger trying to leap out at Chelsea. I’m assuming that Chelsea just kickboxed it back into its cave.

Chelsea and Marco kiss sweetly as Mom and Dad try to evaluate the level of chemistry that they have. While all this is going on, a monkey carrying a piece of paper sneaks into the back of the MMF Cleaners Van. I realize that Nash Entertainment will stop at nothing to avoid hiring a host for this show.

Saturday night, dinner time. The doorbell rings. Guess who? It’s The Monkey, and he hands over his message to Dad. It reads: “You have fifteen minutes to eliminate one girl. It’s harsh, but it’s a jungle out there.”

Mom and Dad discuss the situation in private. Dad thinks Chelsea should go, but Mom defends her. Compared to the last elimination, Mom seems strangely dry-eyed. Could it be Chauntal has already been chosen as the eventual winner? No! The evil Queen Bee must not triumph!

At the end of the fifteen minutes, Mom and Dad Dapper have their answer. Ana is the one to be sent home. Chelsea is shocked. Ana is shocked. Chauntal just keeps smiling her “I’ve got this in the bag” smile. As Ana hugs everyone goodbye (while conveniently “forgetting” her framed Marco photo), Mom voiceovers that she was hard to get to know and wasn’t very affectionate or warm.

Ana leaves the house in slow-mo, where she encounters The Monkey. Still in slow-mo, she hugs The Monkey. And, hand in hand, Ana and The Monkey walk off together into the night. Not affectionate or warm, eh? If only Mom Dapper knew the real Ana. Life is so unfair. I reach for the Kleenex, and dab the tears from my eyes.