Cupid, Episode 1: Beauty and the Bitches

Well, here’s a familiar looking face. It’s Simon Cowell, whose name is not exactly synonymous with “love,” and it’s finally time for the much-advertised Cupid to begin. Cowell is an executive producer and he will also be commenting on the first two shows (much to the chagrin of Fox, who passed on this show but may now be having second thoughts as the guy they made famous in the U.S. is now on a competing network).

Simon says the age of romance is dead, the dating game is a jungle. It’s embarrassing, it’s awkward, it’s ruthless. (Hmmm, kind of like Simon.) He says they are going to cut thru all of that. With the help of her two friends, we’re going to find Lisa Shannon a husband. First they have to weed out the uglies, losers, and freaks. There will be no soft focus, no violins, no mercy. Pretty much what we’d expect from Simon.

But although Simon will be adding comments at least in the first two episodes, the show has a separate host, Brian McFayden.

Here’s the scoop on the show. Lisa comes with a million-dollar dowry – only if she and last man get married and stay married for a year. Lisa and her two friends (more about them later) will narrow down the field to ten men who will live together. Then they will date and we will call in with the loser going home each week. Hmmm. That concept sounds vaguely familiar. Wonder where I’ve seen it before. Anyway, the winner will propose and, if she accepts, they’ll get married then and there.

The men each have thirty seconds to impress Lisa (though once we get into it, it sure seems longer). Laura and Kimberly are her two friends who join her. Simon calls them, “a nightmare.” Mind you, this is Simon Cowell saying that! A guy only makes it thru if at least two of the three say yes.

So why would any guy put himself through this? Lisa. She’s 25, beautiful – she has kind of a Courtney Cox thing going on. She grew up outside Detroit but has not been able to find Mr. Right. She says she’s not the greatest at picking guys. She’s also never left Detroit and so doesn’t know what else is out there. Family is a huge part of her life. She writes TV commercials.

Kim and Laura are like her sisters. Kim works on commercials at a TV studio and so knows Lisa’s creative side – Kim is a powerful dreamer. Laura is the realist. She works at salon and met Lisa there, where they clicked right away. Laura has been married and divorced, and doesn’t want to see Lisa go through that. She really cares about her.

They say the ideal guy is funny and has a great sense of humor. Mr. Wrong is a liar and a cheater. However, as we’ll see, there is a lot more than that for Laura to find wrong with guys.

OK, Simon says Lisa is ready, the rottweilers are ready, and the guys are like lambs to slaughter. First up it’s Chicago. There are a couple hundred guys in line. We meet Superdan, who has an FBI cap. We’ll meet him again later. I bet you just can’t wait.

Lisa is really excited about Chicago because there should be a good mixture of well-rounded guys. We’ll see…

Michael, 41, is a postal carrier. He comes in and is the first we see being ripped to shreds. He’s had 16 years with post office and proceeds to talk about great he is. Laura thinks he’s overconfident and asks if he can handle Lisa. He says he’s dated beautiful women. Laura touches his hair and asks if his – no, Hair Club for Men. She makes a face. So, what about past relationships? He was married – and divorced. He had a gambling problem a few years ago and she left him. Does he drink? He hasn’t had a drink since 1987. The fact that he provides the specific date of his last drink is a major clue that he’s a former alcoholic too. Laura says he’s dreaming to have Lisa as wife. He says he’s human and made mistakes. They give him three no votes.

Simon is back to tell us he had high hopes for Chicago. But then the first guy was ugly, an ex-drunk, and an ex-gambler – well done, Chicago. (Because it makes sense to judge a whole city by one guy.) But the worst is yet to come. I agree – but not only with the guys.

Superdan is back. He says the martial arts is a major part of his life. He and his friend come in to the audition room and start setting stuff up before even saying hello. The women introduce themselves, in case he was wondering, and ask about the FBI hat he’s wearing. He says it stands for “Full-Blooded Italian,” but he’s only half. Um. Okay. Then he strips to shorts and a t-shirt and starts whipping around a pole, then punches and kicks pads his friend holds. Kim and Lisa ask if he read her bio – he replies that he just saw her picture. His goal is to become the ultimate fighting champion and walk to the ring with her on his arm. Laura asks if he means like a trophy? Yes. Whoops! He tries to claim they are putting words in his mouth, but he was the one who said it! After he’s tossed, his friend tells the camera that the three women judged him because they’re insecure about themselves. Er, or maybe it was that he acted kind of like a psycho.