Cupid, Episode 1: Beauty and the Bitches

Moving on, Kim says you can find out a lot about a guy by what he is willing to reveal about himself. Hank is another trader (options), with five sisters and two brothers. He brought a picture of himself at age seven with the first shark he caught. It’s something he kept from his dad, who died when Hank was 17. Lisa asks if she can hug him and they welcome him to Cupid. Lisa says he understands importance of family, is a hard worker, and a genuine and honest guy.

So found four guys in Chicago. Next up is Miami.

Once again, we meet a few real losers in line. One is dressed in a grass skirt and makeup. Oh my.

First up for the cameras in the audition room is Jose, 24, a singer who brought his own CD. He says he’s going to be her Spanish lover. This does not immediately start the women swooning. In fact, they point out that this isn’t a soap opera tryout. Laura tells him to go out and come in again, hoping for something better. Nope. She thinks his accent is a fake. He starts singing and actually does better than some on Fame. But is he a triple-threat? Maybe a spoiler? Never mind. Anyway, Kim and Laura think he’s fake, and Laura makes fun of him as if he were a soap actor. He’s gone.

We see several loser clips in quick succession. One guy admits he wants to be on TV. Lisa doesn’t like one guy who is 5’8”, saying he’s too short. So I guess being under 6’ means you’re a loser like the weirdos. Yeah, I’m really getting the good vibes from Lisa now.

The next guy is about to go in and he has a handful of what he thinks are flowers but the host says are weeds. He decides to leave them behind. OK, so what’s he do for a living? He’s a groundskeeper at the Orange Bowl. The host can’t understand how he couldn’t tell flowers from weeds, but the guy says he doesn’t work with flowers, he works with grass. The host says he can tell. Heh.

Once he gets in to the audition room, he tells the women he hasn’t been on a date since 1983. Frankly, this guy scares me just through the TV. He’s 44. but he can tell them how to keep their youthful looks and never get old. Well, he can’t say it on TV, but in person, because of legal actions. Um… He takes the three “no”s well, which is good, ‘cus I would have been worried to be in the room with him.

Micah, 22, an art auction manager, is next, dressed in a white suit and hat. He pulls a lei out of his hat – literally (Laura points out that it’s fake flowers). He reads a poem that sounds kind of like he used a random word generator to create it. Laura asks about the suit and he says used to work in suit store. Laura asks, “for Pimps and hos?” He takes it well and just says he’s not a pimp and doesn’t hang out with hos. He talks about the stigmata of age. They laugh at him and ask if he knows what the word means. They point out that he meant “stigma” and explain “stigmata” to him. Sorry, that’s three “no”s. After leaving the room, the host says now he knows the true meaning of “stigmata” because “brother, you just got crucified.” Ouch.

The women are hoping and praying for a good guy when a former college football player comes in (I couldn’t see his name ‘cus we had a storm warning symbol blocking it – maybe Nate). He’s getting his real estate license and says he’s family-oriented. Lisa says yes while the friends are on the fence, so they agree.

Paco, 25 and a bartender, thinks some of the other guys are kind of goofy. He brings his mom and his best friend, who looks like a surfer dude (long blonde hair with a knit cap). The friend says he’s there to make sure they don’t tear him up. Paco is covered by tattoos and I’m just waiting for them to rip him apart and send him home. His mom’s portrait is tattooed on his arm – he got it for Mother’s Day. He adds that his mom is a single mom and a big part of his life. He and his roommate just opened their own shipping company, and he says he’s ready for marriage. Mom says he’s hubby and father material. All three surprise me by saying yes. Privately Lisa says that under normal circumstances she probably wouldn’t have stopped to talk to him, but that’s what this is about. Oh, really? I thought it was about insulting guys.

Speaking of which, we have Darren, 36, a chiropractor who brings his mom (though she doesn’t come in with him right away). He brings her orchids and talks about how he saw them and had to bring them and went to a lot of trouble to pick those out. Laura points out that you don’t tell somebody that you went thru a lot of trouble to pick something out – you should do that. He agrees and tries to move on. He brought a chiropractic adjustment table and will turn their power on. Lucky them. Laura says she doesn’t like him, he looks like he had plastic surgery. Also, his pants are too tight, high waisted, and too short. Mom comes in and says this is not nice – he’s a great guy and they are not giving him a chance. Laura says they both used the same plastic surgeon. Ouch.