Big Brother, July 15: The Great Unraveling

You know what I just realized? Since I’m covering the Tuesday episodes of Big Brother, I don’t get to recap Julie Chen! No DRAMATIC PIVOTS! No “spontaneous” teleprompter readings! Oh, that Julie. When the season first starts, she pops up at the drop of a hat to bash key points over our head with a sledgehammer. Then she completely abandons us save for the weekly eviction episodes. It’s inconsistent nurturing is what it is, and I’m sending her my therapy bills. Meanwhile, I realize that basically what I’ll be covering is the veto competition, continued grudges and gripes, and WACKY VIGNETTES.

After Stock Booming Melodramatic Announcer #38 takes us back to the invention of the wheel, Nathan nominates Amanda and Jee for eviction again, and this time we know he means business because he does it in black-and-white. Amanda tells us she had a feeling she was going to be nominated, but it upset her that he said he couldn’t trust her; it seemed a little harsh for the first week. She and Jee hug in the backyard. Jee tells us he was surprised that he told Amanda that and that Jee was only nominated just to have someone fill the slot against her. In the Diary Room, Scott says he found it to be bullsh*t and tells us what he thinks the real issue is in a mock of Nathan’s drawl: “Ah don’t truuuuuust yew! I haiven’t had the chance to git to know yew, but yew obviously don’t wanna sleep with me, so yer outta here!” Amanda tells us she thinks three girls fawning over Nathan is quite enough. Nathan reiterates the reasons he gave at the nomination ceremony. Jack hugs Amanda out on the patio as she’s having a cigarette and tells us he would not have given the same speech. While he doesn’t presume to know what it’s like to be in Nathan’s shoes, he wouldn’t have brought the issue of trust into it.

“Former Restaurant Manager” Robert is practically drooling as he tells us how great it was to see ex Erika so nervous about her fate at the ceremony that she was shaking. Erika confesses to us that that was all a strategic act and she really couldn’t care less. As an illustration, we see her daub a crocodile tear in the bathroom in front of Jun, who tells Erika to stop or she’ll make her cry. Turns out there’s a lot of acting going on in this production of Ship of Fools, House of Idiots: Jun confesses she’s faking feeling sorry for Erika! She doesn’t buy Erika’s claim that she hates seeing people be hurt: they all signed up for the same reasons. Jun sits with Amanda on the patio and tells her that everyone’s probably staying away from her because they feel bad and don’t know what to say.

Yeah, right. Lord knows there’s no acting going on in the kitchen, where Nathan, Dana, Alison, and a couple others are practically handing out noisemakers and hats. Jun tells us perhaps having cookies and ice cream and laughing two seconds after a nomination ceremony isn’t the wisest choice. YA THINK?!?

Scott comes out and joins Jun and Amanda. Jun notes to him that they of all people should be feeling somewhat happy. Scott assures them he doesn’t. He says Amanda hates him but he loves her. Amanda looks embarrassed. Scott offers to lend an ear if she needs to talk. Amanda confesses to us that Scott was very sweet and seemed upset at how Nathan treated her. Scott tells her he feels a lot worse than he thought he would and she should fight to stay in. Amanda says it’s quite obvious who Nathan wants gone… but she’ll see.

In the Hammock of Exes Whose Names Begin With “J,” Jee tells Justin he intends to win the veto competition, saying it really brought out his “game side.” Jee sounds about as convincing at saying he has a “game side” as Julie Chen does at saying, “Let’s get this party started.” In any event, he tells us he’s now speaking to people here and there and trying to gain people’s trust. Justin tells Jee he doesn’t need the Power of Veto: right now he has the votes and he doesn’t think they’ll change all that much. Jee thinks he’s solid with Justin, Alison, and Robert, but he’s slightly iffy on Dana. Justin tells Jee Michelle wants to vote to keep Amanda because she feels bad, but Nathan’s been working on her. The only people he could see voting to keep Amanda would be Scott, Erika, Jack, and David. Jee’s worried about the wildcards like Michelle and David, who he says is a “floater.” It dawns on me that “I Think I’m Paranoid” by Garbage would be the perfect theme song for this show.

But now it’s time to shift from plotting and paranoia to a WACKY VIGNETTE! In the Big Brother 4 Players’ version of Bernice Bobs Her Hair, gullible Jee buys Scott’s claim that he’s a skilled haircutter. Why he would believe that claim coming from someone who wears a knit cap to cover his own sparse scraggly hair 99% of the time is anyone’s guess. We get a dash of The Emperor’s New Clothes as Jun points out that Scott is no hairdresser - he’s a “freaking waiter”! See - who said reality television couldn’t be literary? Sure enough, Jee has a huge gouge in the back as well as a severe weightline. Alison happens on the scene and offers to fix it up, and actually does a fairly decent job. “I was about to do that before she rudely took over,” deadpans Scott. Then Jee pipes up from the Makeshift Barber Stool of Not Leaving Well Enough Alone that he thinks the sides are sticking out too straight and he’d like them to angle more. “You know what I mean, right?” he asks Alison. Well, clearly she doesn’t, because Jee now looks like the lead of Attack of the Killer Flowbee. Sympathetic Jun bursts into hysterics and tells him to shave it all off. Amanda steps up to the razor next and starts to do just that. “So am I going up or down?” she asks as she just kind of randomly runs the razor over the back of Jee’s head the way a child would a crayon in a coloring book. Jee yelps. “Isn’t there anyone who knows what haircutting is all about?” he cries. OK, so no, but he should have. Finally, a military drumroll sounds (sometimes I really love the editors) and “Former Army Ranger” Dave saves the day by offering Jee a “high and tight.” Oh, get your mind out of the slash fanfic: it’s a military hairstyle. Dave explains to us that it’s the only hairstyle he knows how to do. “I basically butchered him,” he shrugs. Jee is basically bald except for a bush of hair on the very top of his head. “Good job!” praises Jun in the bathroom, then promptly tells us it looks horrible. Jee, however, raves to us about his stylin’ new do from the Diary Room Couch of Cluelessness.