Big Brother, July 15: The Great Unraveling

In the Head of Household Room, Alison, who’s lounging on the bed with Robert, informs Justin that he needs to thank her because if he wasn’t her ex, he wouldn’t be there! He tells her that he wouldn’t have even came [sic] on the show had he known she was going to be there, so what in the f**k does she want him to thank her for? She says that she wouldn’t have came [sic]! No, he wouldn’t have came [sic]! No, she wouldn’t have came [sic]! I boot them both for poor grammar. In confessional, Justin tells us that Alison is the only girl in the house he’s not attracted to; he’s seen a side of her he doesn’t like. Alison declares that he shouldn’t be there because she shouldn’t have dated him! “We didn’t date; we were just f**kbuddies, remember?” he laughs. “In your dreams,” she mutters. Apparently under the mistaken impression that she’s posing for a centerfold, Alison reclines sideways on the Diary Room sofa and tells us that Justin is her ex and will remain her ex! Justin calls her on feeling sorry for herself and she counters that she doesn’t feel sorry for herself; she feels sorry for him ! “I feel sorry for me too,” Justin smiles. She left herself wide open for that one. We see a flashback of Nathan asking her, presumably in a game of Truth or Dare, if she had one more chance to have sex with Justin, would she? Reclining Centerfold Manqué Confessional Alison tells us having sex with Justin wasn’t bad, per se, and it has been awhile… so why not? You really have nothing to gain or lose…except for maybe a boyfriend back home. Oh, yeah. That guy. Boy, it’s sure a good thing she didn’t spend a good portion of the first episode weeping and wailing about how much she cared about him and was worried that Justin being there might hurt him or she’d look awfully hypocritical, wouldn’t she?

By now I think you know that I like to give my recaps as much detail as possible. So when I tell you that the Power of Veto competition is called “Feeling Knotty,” involves untying knots, and Dana just barely squeaks ahead of Nathan, just trust me that you’re not missing anything, OK? Well, except for Jun telling us that she cried foul because she saw Scott touching his knot when he wasn’t supposed to be. Ahem. She also tells us that by now it’s no secret they have a running tiff. Various players chomp on various sour grapes in various confessionals. Jee and Amanda both express uncertainty about what will happen now.

Back in the Head of Household Room, Alison tells Nathan that peasant shirt that he wears that makes him look like a long-lost extra from the cover of Heart’s Little Queen album looks hot, then Reclining Centerfold Manqué Confessional Alison tells us Nathan is just someone she’s flirting with to manipulate to get ahead in the game and win $500,000. “Yup, she wants me,” chortles Nathan smugly in the Diary Room on the Couch of Cluelessness. “Nathan may be the biggest meathead I’ve ever met in my life,” declares Reclining Centerfold Manqué Confessional Alison. She says he doesn’t know what the hell’s going on, and he’s messing up his game, but hey - all the better for her! It’s heartening to see, though, that she draws the line at climbing into bed with him and snuggling against his bare chest - and that the live feed recappers certainly could never report that she was having a makeout session with him in said bed. Because again, that might upset that boyfriend back home that she wailed to the high heavens how much she cares about. “Nathan’s a good looking guy, but definitely not weekend or longterm material,” sniffs Reclining Centerfold Manqué Confessional Alison.

Remember those old ads for Scoundrel perfume - “‘How to Build a Fire’ by Joan Collins”? Well, Joan was a wee bit out of their budget, but the Big Brother 4 Players are pleased as punch to present their equivalent, “‘How to Shatter a Glass House’ by Jun, Dana, and Alison. Jun and Dana yammer to us about how the three of them like to have “girl talk,” which is apparently a euphemism for “rip on everyone and everything.” First up is Nathan. Alison bitches that he always brings up church! Dana wants to know if he’s a Mormon - “or what are they in Oklahoma?” Oh, I bet they’re readying the welcome wagon in Enid for her even as we speak. Jun says Nathan’s a Greek god and adorable - every teenage girl’s wet dream! The editors, on the ball tonight, accompany this with a shot of Michelle salivating over Nathan. Alison bitches that Justin wasn’t good in bed (but apparently not bad, per se, either) and makes ugly faces when he climaxes (accompanied by an unflattering shot of Justin wincing) - she had to close her eyes! They then bitch about his cauliflower ear. Dana finds it a turnoff. Alison says lots of girls won’t date him because of it. Oh, well, no, don’t date a guy who might be perfect in all other aspects if his one ear might be a little misshapen. By all means he should chop it off like Van Gogh and fling it into the sea. Ugh - I just know people like that where they won’t date someone if they’re wearing the wrong shoes. I’m not kidding. How shallow can you get?! “You can’t even tell me Jee was decent,” Alison sniffs to Jun. Jun claims he was a freak in bed. “Really?!” says Alison in amazement. Dana tells them she’s starting to get horny and it’s going to be a problem. Oh great - I’m going to have to spray my brain with bleach to get that image out of my mind.

Dave is praised for having a great body, but when Dana suggests Alison get with him, Alison snaps he’s a f**king idiot! Reclining Centerfold Manqué Confessional Alison declares him a nutcase. This is accompanied by footage of David charging the punching bag over and over to attempt to straddle it upside down and falling until he’s finally successful. It’s official. I want a pet Dave around the apartment. Are they easily housebroken, I wonder? “Can you imagine the faces he would make?” dishes Jun. This is accompanied by footage of Dave idly sticking his tongue out in an attempt to amuse himself.

Now it’s onto the girls. Jun notes that Erika’s ass is fine when clothed, but looks awful in a bikini. “It sags,” concurs Dana. “Yeah!” avers Alison. Amanda, Alison says, is only beautiful to an extent. Jun tells us that she’s too skinny and her legs are unattractive. Alison doesn’t think Michelle’s face is all that pretty, while Jun doesn’t think a virgin should go prancing around in tiny bikinis because “if you’re not going to be giving it up you shouldn’t be flashing it that way.” Oh no, of course not - virgins all have to wear Puritanical garb and never be seen in public without a veil. The hell?!?