Cupid, Episode 2: Shooting Arrows in Men’s Hearts

Third man in the door is Zach, who even Simon thought was strange. Zach strips down to a muscle shirt and does some performance art, ducking behind a chair and then jumping out to shoot imaginary arrows at Lisa. When asked why in the name of God he was doing this silly routine, he says, “It’s because I look like a cherub!” Well, if I’m being totally honest, he does bear a striking resemblance to a fairy, but that’s a whole different show. Lisa says, “I think he’s nutty as hell. I kinda like it!” and Zach collects three thumbs up from the women and will move on to the next round.

After Zach we are shown a “montage of the weird.” This includes men with pet snails, Barbie dolls, genital piercings, and Paul, a playwright presented in pink pimp pastels. He proves white men can’t rap and then convinces Lisa to dance a waltz with him. He twirls her about and then dips her. Back in the Stone Age when people used to actually touch one another while dancing, the dip was often a man’s greatest secret weapon. A smoothly executed dip could leave a woman all but breathless. Paul is a master at the craft. His rapping was greeted with the icy and incredulous stares that usually are followed by a quick trip out the door, but after the dance Lisa wants him to move on. Laura agrees and Kimberly gives a tentative approval although she promises she will be watching him very closely in the next round.

Moments later, Greg strolls in. He’s a standup comic and within moments of introducing himself, he points at each of the women in turn and says, “Bitch, trophy, Bitch!” For some unknown reason this fails to charm the women, who quickly show him the door. This serves as the introduction to another montage, this of men who engage in the futile attempt of fighting back against Laura’s barbed tongue.

Renda, a street poet and hustler, comes in next. When facing one’s potential mate, it’s always a good idea to let them know exactly how you feel about the eternal bliss of wedded life, so he treats the ladies to one of his poems in which he refers to the “ball and chain” of marriage. Laura and Kimberly are initially aghast, but Lisa stands firm and says she wants to see him again. Much to her surprise, Lisa’s friends relent and invite Renda back for round two.

Several times during the show we have seen brief clips of a man rehearsing a Spanish song and playing a guitar. His name is Omar, and his practicing really pays off. I had him pegged for a quick exit, but he puts it all together for the ladies and by the time he’s finished Laura looks like she’s ready to wrestle Lisa two out of three falls for a chance to claim Omar for herself. He schmoozes his way to the next round.

Trying to follow up Omar with another musical performance, Frank comes in, but is only noteworthy because of the reaction of the ladies. Laura extends her claws and begins to chop Frank into sushi as Kimberly grows increasingly agitated. Finally, through clenched teeth, Kimberly says, “shut up!” Laura’s eyes flash like the laser sights on an assault rifle and Frank escapes unnoticed as the women ratchet up the tension until even the cameraman contemplates demanding hazardous duty pay.

Into the icy silence walks Ben and his magic basketball. He does a bit of Sweet Georgia Brown trickery with the ball and it not only breaks the tension, but also gets the women commenting about the size of his hands. He wisely pretends he has no idea why they are staring at his large mitts with open lust, and cruises into round 2.

Scott makes it two in a row, charming the women with a version of the Humpty Dance and a brief rap he says his grandmother taught him. A healthy sense of humor is an obvious plus for these women and, as we saw in the first episode, talking about other family members goes a long way as well.

This concludes the New York experience, and the show heads out to Los Angeles where men are men, and sometimes men are women as well.

The first Californian is Zachary who does a Seinfeldian rant for the women. They are unimpressed and finally Laura says, “Honey, you’re leaving even if I have to escort you out myself!”

Just when they thought it was safe to go back in the dating pool, in walks Spike. He comes strolling in wearing full armor and, like an ancient Christian, is ready to battle the lioness. His bare legs protrude under his mailed kilt and the skin around his knees is sagging so badly it’s helping to keep his ankles warm. Laura pounces. “You’re wearing that mask because you’re what, 80?” He doffs the mask, revealing a face that has 48 years of mileage on it. When asked if he seriously thinks that Lisa would want to marry someone that old or if he would want his daughter marrying someone his age, he says, “People do it all the time, sweetie.” He then turns to Laura and says, “Is that it? Is that the best you’ve got?” Which prompts Laura, who is clearly enjoying the moment, to say, “Is this the best >I>you’ve got?” The ladies hold out their thumbs Roman Emperor style, and give him a thumbs down. He says, “Your loss, kid,” and walks out to Laura saying, “Your loss, grandpops!”

Most people enjoy a taste of the exotic. If someone has an unusual accent or some other foreign personality trait it can often be intriguing. This tendency works in favor of Robert, who is from Austria and sounds like Arnold Schwarzenegger’s accent coach. He’s a fitness model who is obsessed with the number 7. When he learns that Lisa was actually born in 1977, he looks like a pyromaniac salivating over a burning building. After reading a brief poem, he’s given three yes votes.