Big Brother 4, July 22: Pop! Goes The Dana

Time for our first WACKY VIGNETTE! Dana, who apparently has to get her two cents in on everything, informs us that Nathan and Alison love to chase each other around! Chase, chase, chase go Alison and Nathan! “It’s like the grossest game of cat and mouse I’ve ever seen,” bitches Dana, most likely because it involves Alison and not her. Alison tells us they decided to box! Box, box, box go Alison and Nathan! They take hits at each other’s heads! Hit, hit, hit go Alison and Nathan! Dana, who’s feeling waaaaaaaaay overconfident in our interest in her opinion, tells us their boxing is totally out of sexual tension. “I think there’s definitely some sexual tension there,” chortles Nathan smugly in the Diary Room, blissfully unaware of how embarrassed he’ll be when he gets home and sees Alison calling him the biggest meathead she’s ever met. Anyway, I know I can sleep better tonight after that segment; you?

“So were you sweating thinking he was going to put you up?” Nathan asks Jun out of the clear blue sky. Jun admits to us that when the nomination box was down to one key, for a split second she considered reaching across the table and strangling Jee if the key didn’t turn out to be hers. Ah, Jun: ever so soft-spoken and demure. Maybe by the end of the summer she’ll learn how to say what she really thinks. Jee admits to us that he absolutely wanted to see Jun sweat, but while he doesn’t fully trust her, he wants to keep her around because he can use her. Jun concurs in the Diary Room that they’re silent partners and she wants to go to the final two with him. Well, DAMN! Compared to these two, Danielle and Jason ran around the house wearing T-shirts saying “We’re In An Alliance - Nyah Nyah Nyah Nyah Boo Boo!”

“What are we sayin’? What are we doin’? How are we voting? What’s going on? I don’t know, you know, nobody’s told me anything and I’m just kinda walkin’ around in a cloud the last five hours!” Dana manages to rattle off to Dave in under two seconds in full bugeyed mode. Well, good afternoon to you too! We then see her hounding Nathan and Alison in the bedroom and Dave and Jack in the bathroom. Nathan tells us she’s a good girl but she’s driving everyone crazy. “I can’t believe Dana went from cool to annoying so fast,” sniffs Jun as she gives Nathan a pedicure. She tells us Dana has no idea how many people are gunning for her. “What can we offer Jee to get him to nominate Dana?” Jack asks Nathan and Alison on the back porch. Jun continues that it upsets her that Dana never stops to think before she does things and those minor details will make or break you in the game.

Not that she’s above winding up Dana for her own amusement. “Nathan has had just about enough of you,” she hisses to Dana over the kitchen island. Pop! Goes the Dana. “Really? He said that? Why on earth would he say that? Why? What did I do? I haven’t done enough for that f**king kid?!?” she rants, then continues this train of thought in the Diary Room: “The last thing Nathan needs to do is PISS ME OFF! Because I will come after him with GUNS BLAZIN’! And I have the ammo!” Oh, simmer down, Annie Oakley. “You think people remember the good? They only remember the bad,” philosophizes Jun to Dana. “GOD he’s making my skin crawl! He’s got balls the size of ELEPHANT NUTS!” rants Dana. I have a feeling this won’t be the only time this season “nuts” and “Dana” will be found in such close proximity. “Just because I’m pretty, everybody’s jealous!” rants Dana in the Diary Room. OK, so she actually says, “I’m the only one that’s split out visibly from the original alliance - everybody’s going to start to come after me because I’m not on their side anymore,” but the effect’s much the same. “HELLO! There’s no one in this house right now that’s on your side!” snaps Jun in confessional. It’s hard to understand why not, what with Dana being so laid back and pleasant and all.

“GOL-LEE!” exclaims Nathan Pyle as he sees the backyard has been invaded by duckball. Jack and Erika remind us that duckball is a time-honored tradition in the Big Brother household, having been invented by last year’s HouseGuests. Basically, you get one point if your duck lands on the circle around the bucket, two points if your duck hits the bucket, and three if your duck lands in the bucket. They deduce that duckball is probably the Power of Veto competition and commence practicing. “What the hell are you doing?” laughs Jee as Jun’s duck misses the target by a mile. Jun understates to us that she has no athletic ability or hand-eye coordination as with throw after throw she proves that even Charlie Brown’s All-Stars would turn up their noses at her. Jack then lectures us on the importance of proper duckball grip. While the “girls” randomly grab their ducks hither and yon as they throw, Jack’s found that gripping the duck’s ass gives it a nice football-like spiral. There’s a sentence I never thought I’d find myself typing. “Justin really parlayed the ass grip into an art form,” Jack shares with us. That should make for interesting graffiti on the bathroom stall of the Manhole. David, meanwhile, is an advocate of gripping the duck by the head. I’m not sure who needs a life more: them for doing it or me for recapping it. Dana can’t be bothered throwing ducks in a bucket. I (and the rest of the HouseGuests, from the look of things), on the other hand, would be only too happy to throw her in said bucket.

“People are coming after you,” says Jun the Wonder Psychic to Dana in the kitchen out of the clear blue sky. “Who?” demands Dana. “I see dead people and pick Seabiscuit in the fifth,” replies Jun. OK, so she just tells her, “Everyone,” and doesn’t want to tell her more because she’s afraid she’ll go flying off the handle. When pressed, Jun “reluctantly” tells Dana everyone wants to throw her out, but she can’t tell anyone - not even Robert or Justin! How Jun manages to keep a straight face throughout all this is anyone’s guess. Dana promises she won’t. I believe her, don’t you?