Big Brother 4, July 22: Pop! Goes The Dana

Sure enough, “The minute I heard everyone was coming after me, I went straight into Jee’s room!” Dana smiles to us, pleased as punch. I prove that it’s possible to laugh and bang your head against the wall at the same time. “Talk to me because I don’t know anything!” she orders as she barges into the Head of Household Room. Jee and Robert quite understandably look at her like she’s from Mars. “I know something’s going on! I’m not paranoid!” she rages. No; you’ve crossed the border into full-fledged INSANE. “Nobody’s getting the veto and deciding to put me up?” she demands. They assure her she’s safe. “This is why she has so many enemies in this house - the way that she talks to people,” says Jee, right on the money. Justin enters and she demands to know if the other people are coming after her. “Well, can you blame them?” smiles Justin. “It’s your psycho cheerleader girlfriend starting the f**king brigade,” declares Dana. Justin starts gnawing on his own leg to get away. Robert admits to us that putting Dana up if someone used the Power of Veto was exactly what they were planning to do and somehow Dana found out. “I’m not worried about them using it; I’m worried about you putting me up,” Dana nags. Well, grilling them to within an inch of their lives would seem to be a can’t-miss deterrent. She tells us that she keeps coming this close to telling the three of them about the Original 8 Alliance, but needs to hold onto that information as her ace in the hole. After Dana leaves, Jee whispers that at least she’ll trust them for one more week; she trusts them more than she trusts anyone in the house. If everyone would have stuck to the way he told them to do it, she wouldn’t be freaking out like that, snits Jee I’m Starting To Get Drunk With Power. Robert peers through the blinds and reports that Dana’s on the couch with Jun. Robert tells us that Jun is Dana’s only ally, but she’d turn on Dana in a second. Jun tells Dana she’s worried for her own safety. Dana tells her they’re gunning for her, not Jun, but Jun points out to her that everyone will think she’s the one tipping Dana off. “People are starting to suspect that I’m the one feeding her information,” Jun tells us. “Which I am,” she adds hastily as she sees a bolt of lightning coming straight for her.

“What the f**k are we going to do?” Jun asks Jee as she enters the Head of Household Room. “You don’t knock?” he snits. Jun assures him that she wasn’t the one who spilled the beans to Dana; he tells her she needs to watch it because people would really be rubbed the wrong way if they believed she had. “Control the girls because you have a lot of power,” he orders her. “How the f**k am I supposed to do that?” she snaps. “I don’t know what to f**king do; I can’t do that!” he snaps back. Jun tells him Michelle said that with Dana in the house, you couldn’t trust anybody, and just then Dana turned the corner. Jee smacks his forehead. Jun admits to us that she lied to Jee out of self-preservation. “Why do I even come in here?” Jun sighs to Jee. “I don’t f**king know! You don’t even knock! Next time, knock!” snaps Jee. “I do not bray!” brays Jun. I’m sorry; for a moment I thought I was watching the Big Brother 4 Playhouse production of Who’s Afraid of Virginia Woolf?. Jun tells us Dana isn’t in her corner anymore and she can’t risk having her as a partner. Considering that Dana basically has “loose cannon” tattooed on her forehead at this point, this would seem to be smart thinking.

Erika practices and practices duckball as Robert and Co. bemoan how awful it would be if she won veto. Jee gathers them all in the living room and tells them they are to draw ping pong balls for their order in the duckball competition. Alison, who’s apparently drawn the “restate the obvious” slip from the Big Brother Official Duty Hat this season, retells us exactly that. They walk out to the backyard to find that they’ve added a stone bridge crossing a lake, which Dana should feel free to go jump in at any time. In the middle of the lake is a giant raised veto symbol. The HouseGuests choose their ducks, which are different colors and have little devil horns. Heh. Jee explains that if their duck lands in the center of the veto symbol, they get three points and a bonus duck; if it bounces off the symbol, they get two points; if it lands in the outer red ring, one point; and if it lands anywhere outside of that, no points. “Don’t QUACK under the pressure,” Jee tells them. GET it? GET it? The HouseGuests laugh for far too long for it not to have been sarcasm.

Michelle is up first and gets two points; she tells us the pressure of being first rattled her. Erika goes next and can only manage a total of one point; she tells us she prayed to the duckball god, but is just not genetically predisposed to duck throwing. Heh. “I really did want to win the veto!” a wild-eyed Dana assures us. Oy. She only manages two points. Next up is Dave, who between his cap and knicker-length shorts looks like a refugee from Newsies. He cleans up and earns a bonus duck for a total of seven points. The secret is grabbing your duck by the beak, he reveals to us, then makes his duck quack. A Boy and His Pet Rubber Duck: now playing at an independent cinema near you. Join Thora Birch and friends as…