The Osbournes, Season 2, Episode 17: A Little Ditty about Jack and Brieann

Ever see the episode of Welcome Back Kotter that centered on Horshack's family life? For those who never saw it, the regular cast appear in the first half of the episode, but the rest becomes a one-act play for Horshack and his “cute” family. As you sit there watching, you slowly realize that there seems to be a hard fixation on this storyline that has nothing to do with the series at all. Then it occurs to you – it’s all just some contrived premise to setup a spinoff series. You’re never going to see any of these characters again, and you’re not going to be upset about if that is the case; instead, you just feel like you got ripped off having to waste your time watching the spinoff instead of the real thing.

That went through my mind while watching tonight's episode of The Osbournes. The first third is essentially the Courtney Love spinoff series tonight, where we get to see Courtney do her combo act of Ozzy and Sharon put together. Stick with it though, because the episode gets better once Courtney disappears.

Before the opening credits, Ozzy is asking Sharon to order some take-out sashimi over the phone. There seems to be some pronunciation problems while talking, and in an odd twist, Ozzy himself decides to finish the order. He manages to get the order of sashimi done and an order for yellowtail completed, and even orders some green sauce and verifies that the order will be delivered. He then discovers that the person at the restaurant has no idea what he’s talking about. Ozzy asks if the person speaks English. He begins placing his order again as the opening credits roll.

After the credits, Jack is seen with his assistant Jackie driving over to Courtney Love’s place to pick her up. Why they are picking her up is not really explained. Why Jack has an assistant has already been discussed in an earlier article. Still, people treat the concept of Jackie with an assistant like Prince Charming did with Bugs Bunny about Hansel and Gretel (“Hansel? Hansel? Hansel?”), so it should be pointed out that, yes, Jack has an assistant.

Jack buzzes for Courtney, and Courtney tells him via the intercom that she is not ready. That is obvious when she opens the door and is only wearing a top and what appears to be panties. When noticing the camera, she backs away behind the door and demands that Jack block the camera’s view from her posterior.

As Courtney runs through the house trying to get ready, she also spends time with several of her dogs, who are running all over the house. Jack mentions something about Kelly possibly being arrested, but it is never clear what that is about. In fact, a lot of what happens at Courtney’s place is not very clear, with the exception of four things:

1. The camera crew better not be filming her ass. Her breast are fair game, however.
2. Dogs and cats roam the house like they do at the Osbournes, but with fewer accidents to pick up (according to Jack).
3. Courtney is shown here to be so scatterbrained that she comes off as the Anna Nicole Smith of the rock and roll world. (Maybe she’s not like that all the time, but she does come across that way here.)
4. Jack is smitten by Brieann.

Who’s Brieann? Good question, as it is never really established who she is. Considering that she looks somewhat like Courtney, it is probably a relative that is staying with her. Whatever the reason she is there, Jack is drawn to her. So much so that he’s not paying attention to Courtney as she tries to give him a lecture on business. When they leave, Jack still isn’t paying attention to Courtney, but that may have more to do with having to be in the same room with Courtney for any length of time. I guarantee that after watching five minutes of Courtney talk here, you wouldn’t be paying attention to her either. Still, it’s the Courtney Show for the first ten minutes of the program, so who knows if it will lead to something once The Osbournes are over and done with.

Since we had a look at Jack, we move over to Kelly, who is just waking up from a nap in the car with Melinda. She had slept for several hours after partying several hours, and is still a bit groggy as she talks about Brieann. She also mentions that she thinks Courtney Love is “really smart.” Then again, Kelly is still groggy from the nap in the car.

At the house, Sharon is talking to Melinda on the phone when Ozzy comes up with a notebook he has scribbled some lyrics in. Ozzy wants her to read it as Melinda is calling long-distance to tell them how Kelly is doing. Sharon seems frazzled, unable to focus on both at the same time, especially when trying to read Ozzy’s scribbling. Ozzy gets fed up with not being the focus of Sharon’s attention and yanks the book away from her, cursing as he does so. He stomps off.

In the kitchen, Ozzy is introduced to Brieann by Jack. They talk for a little while until Ozzy notices a very creepy, squeaky sound coming from somewhere in the room. He asks Jack what it is, and they discover a rotisserie-oven cooking some type of roast. Ozzy can’t quite figure out what the “howling spit” is. Jack is more concerned about the white stuff dripping from the cooking meat. Ozzy offers that it is smegma, which is probably the least appetizing suggestion someone could have made.

The next scene shows Kelly with Melinda, Sharon, and Ozzy. She wants to get another tattoo. Ozzy points out that it’s like a habit, “you get two, then you get three, and then you have . . . 23 . . .” Kelly says that Jack has one on his back, which surprises everyone else in the room. They think she is bluffing.