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Cupid, Episode 3: Big Sister is Watching!by Bruce Barker -- 07/29/2003
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Week 3 of Cupid begins with the 20 finalists gathering in Los Angeles for the opening round of the competition for the hand of the fair Lisa. Of course, her one million dollar dowry is the furthest thing from the minds of any of these gentlemen, and if you believe that, I have several real estate propositions I would like to present to you. Host Brian McFayden greets the men and informs them that after this week’s eliminations, America will decide by vote which of the men will stay and which will head back home to a life of eternal loneliness. To help prepare America for this awesome responsibility, Lisa will be eliminating no less than 10 of the gentlemen. Brian then introduces Lisa and “the women of your nightmares,” Laura and Kimberly.
There will be four dates that will take place this week. Lisa begins by dividing the men into four groups of five men each. After each date, Lisa will cull one from the group to cut the field down to 16. They break down as follows:
The Serious Group
Diamonds in the Rough
The Creative Types
At this point, Laura and Kimberly inform the men that while they will not be physically present at the date, they will be the “flies on the wall” that will hear every detail. Any thoughts that the men had escaped the clutches of the man-eating Laura vanish quicker than a keg at a frat party.
The first group, the Serious Guys, is picked up by a limo and whisked away to a karaoke bar. Several of the men in this group have comments for us as the date begins. I apologize for missing the occasional quip, but with this many men talking in rapid succession, it’s a bit of a challenge to keep track. As the field winnows down a bit and the personalities of the individual men emerge, it will become easier:
Darren says this is like “the first day on a new job.”
Lisa is waiting at the bar and has selected a special group of songs for the guys to sing. Rob is up first and belts out “Born to Be Wild” and makes up in hammy enthusiasm for a voice that just begs to be sequestered in a monastery requiring a lengthy vow of silence. To be certain that he scores as many points as possible, he changes the chorus to “Born to be Lisa’s man.” Lisa praises him for setting the bar so high and sits back to enjoy Robert, who “like der true nachure child” is “born to be vild.” Lisa almost collapses in laughter as Robert makes the most of his Austrian accent. Evan, perhaps realizing that he is going to have to go some to top the first two performances, throws caution to the wind and acts as if he’s “born to be committed.” For the final two singers, Lisa changes things up a bit and has them tear up the Roy Orbison classic, “(Oh) Pretty Woman.” Darren proclaims that he’s a shy person at heart, but sings as best he can. In the anchor position, Dain steps to the mike and delivers the song as if he’s Al Gore’s charisma coach.
The time arrives for Lisa to make her decision. One by one, she invites four of the men to ride back in the limo with her. The last man standing is Dain, who is gone big-time. He tells us, “I’m not used to not getting the girl. It’s a foreign concept to me!”
Kim then tells us that she thought he was “an arrogant jerk.” Laura is far less forgiving of Lisa’s decision. “I liked him. That’s why she needs me around.”
For the second date, the Diamonds in the Rough are taken to a beauty salon to have their edges rounded off a bit. The guys take Lisa’s suggestions in a good-natured fashion and before you can say “Billy Goat Gruff,” Renda’s chin patch is weed-whacked to oblivion. The men sit through pedicures, manicures, coiffures, and other tortures. Lisa, meanwhile, starts chatting with the men. She drinks a toast to Renda’s newly exposed chin and asks Zach what is intriguing about him. Apparently the most intriguing thing about Zach is his inability to answer a direct question, because he fails to provide even a “pat” answer. Mark, with several pat answers in his pocket, tells her that he wants to know all about her hopes and dreams. Nate and Ben are both a bit on the quiet side as well, leaving Lisa with a bit of a difficult decision. One by one, she invites the men back to the limo and Lisa’s apparent dislike of Zach’s evasive answer ensures that he’ll be hitchhiking home. He tells us, “Getting booted kinda sucks, but ultimately she didn’t feel I was the right guy.”
Laura describes Zach as “a real loser” and sheds no tears over his departure. Kimberly bluntly states that it “should have been Ben” to get the boot.
The Creative Group gets to head out to the rifle range for some skeet shooting. If you will pardon the pun, the guys talents are hit and miss; mostly miss:
Omar: “At the end of the day she wants a strong man.”
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