Big Brother 4, August 1: An Eye for an Eye, a Pot for a Kettle

“Jee stayed a little bit longer. He’s safe. The rest of them? Stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid move. They know I’m after them. I guess they didn’t need to stick around anyhow!” declares Alison. Well, thank you, Queen of Hearts. I’m halfway expecting Nathan to be next to her dressed as a playing card. Alison laughs to Erika that Robert was happy at the thought that people like Dana might leave, when he was a complete ass to her all week himself and is hardly safe. Nathan notes that they all left quickly. “One of ‘em’s leaving!” vows Alison to us.

Robert notes the literal division of the alliances as he, Justin, Jee, Dana, and Jun are in the living room while Alison, Nathan, Erika, and Jack camped out in the Head of Household Room, which brings us to FILLER SEGMENT #1! (Be forewarned - this episode has so much filler and additives that I halfway expect Annette Funicello to pop up to tell us we should be watching nutritious Skippy instead.) Erika tells us that the house is divided into Good (sound of violins) and Evil (blaring guitars), and that Evil (Robert, Justin, Jee, Dana, and Jun, of course) all have tattoos! Jee’s tattoo is of a dragon since his father was born in the Year of the Dragon and it wasn’t as painful as it could have been because he was drunk at the time! Jack doesn’t care for Jee’s tattoo and thinks that a nice tattoo would be Tweety Bird on someone’s ass! Alison grouses that Dana’s tattoo looks like hell creeping down her thigh! Erika tells us Robert has a tattoo on his ankle of his fraternity - Sigma Phi Nothing! (Heh.) Alison declares she would never get a tattoo, and I find myself alarmed to be in agreement with her. (I wouldn’t want to make that permanent of a commitment to anything… I shudder to think what it would be like if I had a tattoo of something I was into at 18 on me now.) Jack notes that he frequently arrests people with tattoos! Then Dana starts yapping that people without tattoos are insecure and Robert declares that people without tattoos have no balls and no identity. Oh, good grief, what is this - an R-rated version of The Sneetches?

Robert tells us he though they were screwed with Alison as Head of Household because she’s so crazy and whacked out. (Oh, and Dana was the poster child for stability and levelheadedness?) Crazy Whacked-Out Alison dances alone on the Head of Household bed with her stuffed cat and elephant. Robert, Justin, and Dana commiserate about the turn of events and how none of them are safe. Crazy Whacked-Out Alison dances some more on the Head of Household bed with her stuffed cat and elephant. Robert confides to us that he prays Alison puts up Dana and Jun because that would be the best thing for him, Justin, and Jee - why, they quite possibly could make it all the way to the end then! “ONE, ha ha ha! TWO, ha ha ha!” begins The Count from Sesame Street on Robert’s unhatched chickens.

Alison regards the Memory Wall with Nathan and notes that now one HouseGuest from each shelf is gone. Nathan chortles to us that he’s just glad he’s safe in a manner that makes me want to reach through the screen and nominate him myself. Alison tells Nathan she wants them ALL gone, but especially Dana, Robert, and Justin - and she doesn’t trust Jun. Nathan tells her to get rid of Jun. She tells him she almost wants to put her up now, she hates her so bad, and they all should offer her deals not to put them up. Nathan tells us he wants Jun to know she’s not safe because she’s just as much of a traitor and a “sneaky snake” as Dana. We cut to a shot of the ever-fickle, waxing and waning moon to illustrate the point. Alison invites Jack and Dana into the Head of Household room and runs the idea of nominating Dana and Jun with Dana leaving, past them. Jack feels she should nominate Dana and Justin with Justin going - he feels Justin is the strongest threat to their alliance, and taking him out would cut off the right arm of the “three stooges” and leave Dana adrift. He wants them to make Dana think she’s leaving, then exploit her gratitude when she stays to strongarm her into voting their way. Alison tells us Justin is the brains of his alliance and she’s 98% sure he’s going up on the block as the Violins of Impending Doom screech us into commercials.

This episode of Big Brother is sponsored by McDonald’s, who apparently care nary a whit that archrivals Burger King supplied the house with food all last week.

FILLER SEGMENT #2! It takes them about five minutes to tell us that Jun overeats and can’t fit into her clothes anymore! They show a visual aid of the difference of how she looks in her bikini on Day 5 and Day 25 and… er… yikes. She might want to think about cutting back a little. Jun actually wouldn’t complain if she had to eat peanut butter and jelly for a week because she might lose some weight.

Why, what a coincidence! With that sledgehammer of a transition, it’s time for the weekly food competition! Alison comes out of the storeroom with red and blue packages and announces they need to divide into “Hot” (red) and “Cold” (blue) teams; everyone asks Alison to divide them into teams rather than having to choose themselves. She does so based on how they’re sitting and Erika, Robert, Jee, and Dana wind up being Hot, and Jack, Jun, Nathan, and Justin are thus Cold. Jee and Robert bitch to us that the divisions didn’t seem to be fair, and I completely sympathize because the poor souls clearly never had a chance to choose for themselves that they voluntarily gave up or anything. Everyone gets red or blue coveralls, which they proceed to cut and alter. This kind of thing was a really cool fashion statement in the hands of people like Debbie Harry. Here? Not so much.