The Real Roseanne Show, Episodes 1 & 2: A Show Is Born

The Real Roseanne Show is off and running! We get to read the intro:

The show opens with Roseanne in a dressing room talking to Louie Anderson. She tells him that she’s an exhibitionist with a huge ego and she has to make people laugh and to do that, she has to get back on TV. She tells him that she has one more in her and then she’s done.

Roseanne hits the stage to do some standup. She talks about Tom Arnold (who she calls Tim) and how one day, she snapped and pulled a handful of his hair transplants out of his head. After that, she tried to kick him out of the moving vehicle. This set off a whole spiritual thing and got her thinking how she almost killed a human being, leading her to a rabbi who suggested that she be nice. She found out that being nice was a walk through hell. Cut to a cute cartoon intro: little faces sing, “It’s time for Roseanne Barr!”

After the commercial, Roseanne is in the kitchen lighting candles, drinking wine, and mulling over how nasty she’s been. Drew, the only writer she’s never fired, is in the kitchen with her and they are listening to an interview that she did on the radio. The family and various hangers-on are gathered in the dining room. Here’s a rundown of the rest of the cast of characters:

• Bill is her ex-husband and works for her doing various jobs including plumbing.
• His wife Becky is Roseanne’s assistant (and looks a lot like her).
• Jake is her son with Bill.
• Jeff is her son-in-law, married to Roseanne’s daughter Jenny.
• Johnny is Roseanne’s new boyfriend (they met on the Internet).
• Sharon is Roseanne’s makeup artist and confidante.
• Rizzi is her agent (at least I think that is his name!!)

The whole happy family is gathered in the dining room and Roseanne is serving them. They all agree that they used to be poor white trash and now they are rich white trash. Are you as confused as I am? Hang on, it gets worse!

The group is trying to come up with an idea for a show. They come up with the idea of a cooking show. Now they need a pitch. Conveniently, Roseanne built a studio and this is where they are going to be spending a lot of time working - or at least trying to work - on putting this new show together.

Roseanne is driving and swearing and arrives at the studio looking for coffee and donuts. She really doesn’t know what she wants to do and suggests that they brainstorm. Good ideas, but it’s all very stream-of-consciousness. She wants to eat and cook and meet famous people. They are pitching the agents the next day and really have no idea about the structure of this show. The boys, Jake and Jeff, are almost no help at all. They’ve never done this before and have no clue as how to pitch a show idea. They smoke and eat and fool around a lot. Roseanne makes a good point – how the hell are they going to pitch the agents if they can’t even pitch themselves? She is about to snap and the guys are running around fencing with plastic swords. No one except Roseanne seems to be taking any of this very seriously.

Roseanne talks to her manager and tells him her Karmic mission is to get through this without snapping at anyone. Cut to the boys, who are fixing their swords with duct tape. Meanwhile, Roseanne is getting made up and preparing to do her pitch. “I want to go back to work,” is going to be her opening line. Her boyfriend is quite supportive. She is dressed in a pink suit and has decided that she hates herself and her hair. Quick change of outfit and we’re off in a limo to pitch the show idea. The boys are lollygagging their way to the meeting and they’re really not sure where they are going. God, if they are late, Mom is going to flip her lid! Of course, they get lost.

Roseanne is getting more anxious by the minute. They have arrived to do the pitch but the boys are lost and things do not seem to be starting out well here. She tries her pitch explaining that she wants to be the “white trash Martha Stewart” - to host a lifestyle show for real people told from Roseanne’s perspective. The meeting is nearly over when the boys come in. No one seems to be terribly sure about what she is proposing but somehow they manage to sell the idea. That’s it for Episode One!

Episode Two starts out with Roseanne at lunch with her girlfriends. She tries her pitch on them, telling them she loves food and she wants to surround herself with it. She’s all about comfort food and fats.