The Osbournes, Season 2, Episode 19: Bye Bye Babies

Surprisingly enough, the family is once again quiet in the news. This makes it three weeks running, which is probably a record for the family.

As for the lateness of this review, I was off in Las Vegas this week, watching the final episode of Last Comic Standing and doing interviews with a couple of very important people connected with the show. Those interviews and the review will be up soon, but it explains why I was delayed in getting this week’s review of The Osbournes out. Since that series is now over for the season, you can depend on my review of the final episode of The Osbournes for this season to be a bit timelier.

Again, a reader is still looking for anyone can help her with a question pertaining to Episode 15 (“Mama, I’m Staying Home”). In that episode, Robert is seen dancing to a song with the words, “Want me, want me really, want me.” The reader would like to know the name of the song and the woman singing it. Unfortunately, I no longer have the episode on tape, so I can’t go back and research it; if anyone has the answer, please email me at the address at the end of this column so I can help a fellow fan out.

Now onto tonight’s episode, which seems to deal with everyone’s favorite babies in one form or another.

The episode opens in a bedroom where a group of toddlers are amassed around the bed. Sharon is on the bed with Melinda playing with the toddlers. Meanwhile, Ozzy is in fear that one particular toddler is going to hurt himself with all his enthusiastic running around and grabbing at things. Finally, Ozzy is so exasperated that he stomps out of the room. “Where do they get the energy?” Ozzy mutters as he walks away.

Speaking of babies, after the opening credits, Ozzy is showing off his baby – the synthesizer that he used to write “Who Are You?” and “Am I Going Insane?” Jack notices that it has a Black Sabbath sticker from 1973 on the back of it. Ozzy tells Jack that he plans to write his new music on it. He seems joyful over the idea, but the moment does have a slight Spinal Tap tinge to it as he admits that the synth is not plugged in and is missing a few bits and pieces. Still, he plans to spend the next two days trying to get it working so he can start writing some music with it.

Sharon is also dealing with babies – her dogs. As they try to jump up to her, Sharon mentions to Ozzy that Jack is going to England the next day and she had asked him to spend his last night with her. Jack’s reaction? According to Sharon it was, “Mom, I’m going away from three weeks. Do you not think I don’t want to spend tonight with my friends?” Sharon is a bit thrown as she expected Jack to end the question with the word “you” instead of “my friends.” Sharon is sad, but Ozzy is too busy cutting himself a huge piece of carrot cake for himself in the kitchen. Jack hears all this and comes over to Sharon to give her a hug and a kiss.

Later, Jack packs for his trip. Ozzy and Sharon come in his room to help and Sharon finds a box of condoms while sorting through things. She holds it up to the camera and with a disapproving look on her face, throws it to Jack. Jack is heard off-camera telling her that they are not his, as he “secretly has eleven children on the way.”

As Jack finishes, Ozzy seems to be distant and a bit sad. Jack tells his dad not to get “fruity.” To change the moment, Jack pulls out a mini-breathalyzer and tells Ozzy to breath into it. Ozzy does so and the device registers Ozzy with a 0.1 alcohol level. Sharon knowingly pats Ozzy on the shoulder, while Ozzy swears it must be the gum he is chewing that is causing the device to register like that. Sharon then asks Jack to leave the mini-breathalyzer with her, which sends Ozzy into a bit of a tirade (well, as much of a tirade as Ozzy can usually muster). He wants the “[bleeping] thing” gone or else he’ll be “[bleeping] busted every [bleeping] day.”

Robert is ready to head out with Jack for the trip the next day, but he is missing his sunglasses. Everyone has a good laugh about that as Jack tells Robert, “Dude, there is no sun in England!” Meanwhile, Lola the dog is getting sad that Jack is leaving and hops into the car. Jack has to drag Lola out of the car, and then Robert and Jack head off to the airport.

During all this, Kelly is also heading out. She is packed to go on tour for three weeks and is seen talking to Ozzy and Sharon about it as Sharon stretches out in bed. Ozzy asks Sharon if they are going along. Sharon weakly says that they are, which gets Kelly mad. She tells her mother to “stop trying to be the [bleeping] perfect woman,” who has to make every single appointment no matter how she is feeling. Sharon obviously sees that Kelly is concerned and has a bemused smile on her face as she tells Kelly, “You’re such a tart to me.” It’s actually a sweet moment between the two.

Just as Jack did before, Kelly changes the subject by pulling out a mini-breathalyzer and asks Ozzy to breathe into it. It’s beginning to look like Sharon may have gotten the mini-breathalyzers for the kids in order to talk their father into having his alcohol level checked. Ozzy knows he is going to fail, and even says so, but the two women talk him into breathing into the device. It is even worse than when Jack had Ozzy do it, registering a 0.5 alcohol level. Kelly tells Ozzy he is drunk, but he’s not sure. After it is over, Ozzy is upset. “I’m being busted by my own kids, man,” he exclaims.

That night they stand out in the driveway as they watch Kelly take off. Sharon seems to be reluctant to have Kelly go, but Ozzy finally gets her to come back towards the house. As Sharon holds their dog Martini, she tells Ozzy, “We’ve just got Martini left.”