The Real Roseanne Show, Episodes 3 & 4: Courting a Network

The gang is gathered around the table and Roseanne is reminding her ex-husband Bill about how violent and crazy she was - even throwing a dresser at him once! They all laugh about it now, but I bet Bill wasn’t laughing too much at the time. Funny how those special memories fade with time. My question is what the hell is this guy doing? Now he’s working for her? That’s got to be almost as bad as being her husband.

Anyway, this is how the show starts this week. We cut to the cutesy little opening cartoon… tra la la, it’s Roseanne Barr. Are you ready?

After the commercial, Roseanne is getting made-up for a power meeting. She reminds us that they have hired Ted as the executive producer of the show and now they have to figure out what the show is going to be all about. Cut to Jeff and Jake, Roseanne’s son and son-in-law, who are spraying something under their armpits. They don’t have a clue as to what they are doing. We move to a meeting at Roseanne’s house to discuss ideas for the show. Ted asks her if she is going to have celebrities on the show and Roseanne wants to have Marlon Brando as a guest. She’s serious and has actually mentioned his name before. If he doesn’t agree, she tells them all, she’s going to stalk him with a turkey and stuffing. The meeting deteriorates rapidly and Ted suddenly realizes that the entire responsibility for this show is going to fall on his shoulders. His hair is beginning to come undone as this hideous reality sets in.

They’ve got to go to New York to try to sell the show to someone, so the “team” gets on a plane and off they go. Once they arrive, they converge on the Carnegie Deli and Roseanne starts walking around tasting people’s food. Ted is not amused. The group sits down in the deli to eat while Roseanne is freaking out. Seems that she wants to pitch the show to Court TV since that’s the only station she watches. Oh, that’s a good one.

The boys are in the hotel room and WOW, they have an idea! They talk to Dean, the writer, about setting it all up like a game show. He isn’t buying this lame idea. Fast forward to their meeting at Court TV. The CEO of the network greets them and Ted proceeds to try to sell this idiotic idea. Roseanne wants to know what people chose for their last meal; serial killers fascinate her. The CEO asks her if she was married to Ted Bundy. Meanwhile, producer Ted tries to make all this sound reasonable, but Henry, the CEO, although amused, isn’t buying it. This didn’t go well at all. My question at this point is why didn’t someone in her entourage have the nerve to clue her in that this was a truly stupid idea? Roseanne asks, “Is anyone going to watch this show?” You got me.

Back from the commercial, Roseanne is on the phone with her shrink. She wonders if she is interesting anymore now that she is “cured” of her inner tics and all. The shrink suggests retail therapy. “Go buy some shoes,” he tells her. She and Shannon (her makeup artist) hit Saks and Roseanne spots a pair of sequined boots that are $6900.00. Meanwhile, Ted, who is in his own apartment, is still trying to find someone who will talk to them, while the boys are on their way up for a “creative meeting.” That will be a first. Once again, they get lost!

They finally find his apartment and Ted introduces them to Ellen, who is a set designer. Jeff runs his game-show set idea by her and she seems to be trying to take him seriously. Roseanne is with Shannon in a limo talking to Johnny on the phone and then they stop off in a wig shop. Maybe you ought to get involved with your show, Roseanne, instead of leaving it to these scatterbrains.

Now they are off to the Food Network, which should have been the first place they went. This place is great. After touring the kitchens, they get to do their pitch in a dining room setting complete with a full-course meal. Ted tries out his pitch and then allows Jeff to present his idea. Jeff wants to do it live, on stage, and tries to explain his concept to the Food Network people. From the puzzled looks on their faces, it is fairly evident that they have absolutely no idea what anyone is talking about. Doesn’t look good for the Food Network. Nope, these people are not buying any of this. The final blow is when Ted tosses out an idea about using food from a dumpster. End of meeting.

Roseanne tells us that she is still on a spiritual journey and her goal is not to lash out. But in the next segment, she finally blows. “I am spending a fortune on these people and it is turning into a train wreck,” she tells them as she stomps out of the room.

Once again, Jeff and Jake are lost - this time in their hotel. The boys are discouraged and understand that they are really not part of the team. Roseanne, fire these two. They are contributing nothing to this endeavor. Meanwhile, the “team” is getting drunk and Ted is telling them all that he loves them. It’s four in the morning and Ted wonders if Roseanne is going to fire him. If he continues to come up with nothing, I think that’s a given. This episode ends with Roseanne crashing on her bed finally understanding that she may need to rethink this “team.”