Meet My Folks, August 25, The Matulichs: Did You Hear the One about the Cheerleader?

Welcome to the season finale of Meet My Folks. Tonight, we meet the Matulichs: Mom, Dad and Janelle, a 22-year-old professional cheerleader with the 49’ers. She’s blonder than blonde, doesn’t say much of importance, and is wearing layers of makeup. Also, her eyebrows are plucked pencil thin.

In other words, Janelle appears quite normal. It’s the guys that I’m worried about.

First, we have Hawk, a 21-year-old professional wrestler (and former Tough Enough contestant). My first observation is that his big mouth and outsized ego must be compensating for something very, very small. His plan is to make the other guys look like idiots. Unfortunately, this requires that Hawk not be an idiot as well.

Next up, we meet Robert. He’s 25 and a pilates instructor. His strategy is to make friends with the guys, and use any info he learns against them. Lean and dark haired, he’s being edited as the Bad Guy. Think of a 21st century slacker Snidely Whiplash; younger and without the mustache.

We round off the trio with Dylan. He’s 22 and a recent college grad. A self-admitted “Eddie Haskell” type; Dylan says he’s got the charm to pull this off. Dylan’s also got the house gifts of flowers and cigars.

And herein lies a lesson for everyone: always, always bring a house gift. Like chicken soup, it never hurts.

Before any secrets are officially spilled about the boys, we learn that Robert was kicked out of his mother’s house. We don’t know the details, but Robert seems to be milking this in a “poor me” sort of way. Mom wisely wonders what the other side of the story is.

As if on cue (wait, it is on cue), the doorbell rings, and Dad receives a package marked “Dirty Little Secrets.” We now learn that:

1. Hawk intentionally swerves into bicyclists when he is driving (“I’ve never done that!”)
2. Dylan posed for pictures in a “gay men’s clothing catalog,” wearing sparkling spandex (“No, I didn’t!”)
3. Robert has three girlfriends at the present moment, and all three think they have a monogamous relationship with him. (“Not true!”)

[Author’s Note: as I’m writing this recap, I receive an email from another RNO writer who elaborates on the “gay men’s clothing” thing. Which is good, because I had no idea gays and straights were required to purchase apparel from different sources. My colleague says:

“International Male”: Okay... it's not a gay catalog... it’s a men's mail order fashion catalog that does have a following in the gay community because 1) their models are HOT and 2) the underwear ads leave nothing to the imagination... but as for it being a gay clothing mag... not at all.

Friday night, by the pool. We see some very quick shots of the guys and Janelle frolicking in the water. Janelle tells us that she’s very turned on by these good looking guys.

And that’s all we get of the poolside activity. Damn you, For Love or Money 2. If you hadn’t forced Meet My Folks producers to edit ten minutes out of this episode, I’m sure we would’ve all seen much more risqué behavior than this. Remember when the kids used to play Truth or Dare and did body shots, then Dad would storm out to the pool and read the boys the riot act? Those were the days, my friend.

And speaking of a 50-minute show, we buzz right on through the private dates the next day. I can barely keep up. First there’s Janelle and Robert in a pool hall. He’s teaching her how to play. Then, there’s a picnic by a fireplace. I didn’t know pool halls catered picnics, but I’m certainly not up on the latest restaurant trends.

Also, I must point out that Robert and Janelle have a totally unscripted moment where they toast each other with steaming mugs of cocoa. Or coffee. Or something wholesome and steamy-looking. And by “totally unscripted,” I mean rehearsed within an inch of its life.

Next up: Dylan and Janelle take Salsa Dancing Lessons. My husband thoughtfully says, “You know, if Dylan is trying to shake a bisexual/gay rep thing here, perhaps dancing lessons aren’t the way to go.” I don’t respond, because I refuse to lend credence to stereotypes. Some of my best friends are straight males, and they dance very well.