Temptation Island 3, Episode 1: Psyche!

In a sick way, I was looking forward to tonight’s episode of Temptation Island 3. More specifically, I was looking forward to trashing it mercilessly. But then something happened I wasn’t quite prepared for… I actually enjoyed the show.

What the hell is wrong with me?

But I’m getting ahead of myself. Tonight is the debut of the third Temptation Island, with new couples, new singles, and more opportunities for people to act stupid and annoying.

We start out (after the standard opening montage that we’ll all be sick of after a couple weeks) in Long Island, New York, with Melissa and Michael. Couples with the same first letter in their names are so cute, my girlfriend Maria agrees. Anyway, she’s a former Miss New York, and every time he sees the crown it reminds him how lucky he is. Awww. She’s four years older than he is, and she thinks she’s “ready.” And they both still live with their parents. All righty then.

In Farmville, VA, we meet Eric and Kristin, which is a nice trick since they both moved to L.A. quite a while ago. Eric was the Big Man on Campus, she was the little Freshman, and she was intimidated. Kristin is the one squeaking “I wanna go hoooome,” in the intros. Let’s hope that and her hair is her only resemblance to last year’s Shannon.

Stephanie and Anthony are from Chicago, and the only real impressions I get is that he is incredibly whipped, and she is in control in the relationship.

Finally, Jason and Kara are from Las Vegas. They’ve only been together for a year, but of all the couples they seem to have the most chemistry, just in the way they interact. I think I’m going to like these guys. Kara thinks Jason has some growing up to do, and Jason agrees that he hasn’t had many experiences. But she doesn’t see him hooking up with anyone else. Ooh, she’s in for it.

Arriving at the Island, host Mark Walberg asks them the standard questions. The main thing is, the couples have given each other permission to experiment a bit. This could be interesting.

The single men and then the single women parade around the couples. No real introductions yet, and no one wants to tip their hands.

Mark asks the men to leave for a moment, and when they are gone, he tells the women that the single women have seen videotapes of all four men. Each single will give the women a bracelet to indicate that they think that woman’s boyfriend is the most attractive.

Kristin gets three, Stephanie gets four, Kara gets SEVEN, and even more amazingly, Melissa gets none. I’m no judge of male attractiveness, but I just can’t believe that Anthony is that much more desirable than Michael. Melissa is relieved, but is convinced it will change. Kara is laughing… now.

The women leave, and the single men do the same with the boyfriends. It’s uneventful until one of the last singles, Jeff, begins to give Jason a bracelet and yanks his hand away at the last second, kind of like when you make like you’re shaking someone’s hand and pull it away to pretend you were just brushing it through your hair. Jason is NOT happy, to put it mildly.

Eric gets four, Michael three, Anthony gets six (WHAT?!), and Jason only gets one. Jason tries to put a good face on it, saying that the guy who gave him the bracelet was one of the best looking.

The couples are reunited, and Michael is surprised that Melissa has no bracelets. Ouch. They have five minutes to say goodbye, so “don’t waste this time.” Orgy on the beach! No, wait, they’re just hugging. Does that count as wasting it?

In any case, the single women lead the men onto their boat and head off to the other side of the island. Jason says it was a shock to leave so quickly. Okay.

At the men’s resort, the women tell Michael that the video that they saw was definitely not what he really looked or acted like. Yeah. He’s like a kid in a candy store. Just don’t lick the merchandise.

I should note that I’m skipping quite a bit of the whole “I’m very nervous” and “My girlfriend/boyfriend looks nervous” type stuff. Just know that the single women meet the men, and the single men meet the women, they drink, dance, swim, and mingle.

The next day, we meet the singles in more detail. Highlights:

Tanaya is looking for someone to put out her flames. Derrick came to date their girlfriends. Maria mumbles something about representing Miami. Jon falls over on purpose as he walks to the microphone and acts goofy. A lot of the guys love their moms. Kelly Anne just inhaled a lot of helium. Jeff introduces himself, and Jason stares daggers at him. Keith is a construction worker who knows how to use his tools. Giulio does his best Joey from Friends. He’s from Queens, you know. Sandra is a blonde, but don’t judge a book by its cover. Yes, but does the carpet match the drapes? [Editor’s Note: And it’s not like she was really wearing much “cover”!]

Mark instructs the couples to choose the one single who they are most threatened by. Anthony chooses Derrick, a model, although he claims not to be afraid of any of them. Stephanie chooses Tiffany, and Anthony says he doesn’t care because he likes all the women. Ooh, wrong answer.