Big Brother 4, August 29: Where in the World Is Jun?

The buzzer sounds just as they’re about to tackle the “T” food items. Robert reads off the results. Among other things, they get almonds and bratwurst. (“What’s that?” asks a dumbfounded Jee. “Hot dogs,” Erika tells him. Heh.) Next, they get Brie, which no one recognizes but Erika either. Good grief, have these people never been anywhere outside of a mall food court? “We got Brie cheese,” bitches Alison in the Diary Room, pronouncing “Brie” to rhyme with “buy.” BWAH!!! They get cola; chips are disqualified for being out of order. They further get deli meats, ground meat, Italian sausage, lasagna, which Robert is happy about, and everybody’s favorite - lutefisk! “What the hell is lutefisk?” shouts JeeIApparentlyHaveTheMemoryRetentionOfAGnat; Alison similarly brays to us, “Who knows what lutefisk is? NO ONE!” Robert, to his credit, tells us he thinks it’s what Jack ate at the clambake from hell. Sure enough, we see the black and white footage of Erika uncovering the lutefisk platter and telling everyone it’s codfish cured in lye. Good God, Jee and Alison are morons. But Alison’s at least a part-time moron, or has specialties in moron-ness, if you will. Jee’s an all-around general practitioner moron. They have rice - out of order - and finish up with salmon, scampi, shrimp, and tuna. Alison tells us the food competition was fun and brought them closer together and they’re all really getting along right now. For these twenty seconds, anyway. But it does seem like they’re having a blast and enjoying each other’s company as they hang out in the room afterwards and play in the ball pit, with Alison even doing dives and flips. Erika and Alison have a ball battle with Robert and Jee and Erika concurs that any time the house works as a team, they bond and morale is boosted. Jee finds a ball for “lobster” and they all scream in goodnatured disappointment.

Robert is in the blue room with a sleeping Jee when he mumbles somnambulistically, “Food… need food…” He walks to the storeroom, sees all the food, and between the wacka-wacka guitars on the soundtrack and his cries of, “Yes! Yes!” if you only heard the audio portion you’d be forgiven for thinking that you’d accidentally stumbled upon the Spice Channel. He grabs enough food for about ten armies, dumps it on the kitchen table, then raids the refrigerator. “Mayonnaise… guacamole…” he says orgasmically, then declares, “This is the money!” Because it’s not like Swingers lingo was played out by 1998 or anything. He gobbles down a sandwich, then ends the scene with a hearty “HONK!” as he blows his nose. BWAH!

Commercials. Can a Slim-Fast meal bar commercial grate on my last nerve? Oh, yes it can. Oh, yes it can can. Furthermore, if the Reynolds Wrap Ladies are having nightmares about giant chickens sticking to the pan, perhaps they should look into a different line of work. Like being human crash test dummies.

Robert and Jee bitch on the patio about being sick of being in the house. What a coincidence - I’m sick of them being there too! But Robert wants to make sure they get rid of at least one of those icky GIRLS before they both leave! Oy. Alison comes out to apologize for the way she voted; they tell her it’s OK and there’s still a lot of time left in the game. Alison tells them she might not even be there next week and that she doesn’t think she can beat the two of them or Erika and Jun in the finals. So in other words, I guess she thinks she’s lost no matter what. Robert yaps that she has a great chance against those cootie-ridden GIRLS, but Jee interjects to say he doesn’t agree. “Why not?” Robert demands. “Well, because you’ve basically given Alison all the ammunition she needs to vote us out so she can be up against one of those said girls in the final two, you cretin,” Jee tells him. Or at least that’s what I was thinking; Jee just blathers on about that she’s made enemies - Dana won’t vote for her, Nathan and Justin might not, and Jack wouldn’t pick her over Erika or Jun. Alison tells them that even if she loses, she’s turned the house upside down without ever being Head of Household and for that, she thinks she’s played a better game than anyone else there! There’s much sycophantic “Yes!”-ing and “Mm-hmm!”-ing from Robert and Jee during her little speech. See, this is what happens when the “It’s not whether you win or lose, but how you play the game” angle is pushed too hard in kindergarten.

The HouseGuests receive their second clue: a videotape. They’re stumped. “This is so gay!” announces Alison. What - was it a video of Queer As Folk? They joke that it looks like Jun gets veto this week! “I've got it! Apple Tape!” laughs Robert as they all crack up. So Apple Tape and Baby Fishmouth walk into a bar… “Ring the bell, Rob - I think you got it!” deadpans Erika. They sit around the patio and laugh in frustration. “This is the worst veto game ever!” cries Alison.

Meanwhile, in New York, Jun tells us that she’s thrilled to be back in her hometown and psyched to be going to the VMAs as we see her primp. “See you later!” she waves cheerily as she closes the door to her dressing area.

“Video apple… a taping of something in New York…” Robert brainstorms with Jee back at the house, while Erika and Alison say they’d be jealous if it turned out Jun was on David Letterman. Alison asks Erika where the VMAs are held - New York or L.A.? Erika tells her it changes depending on the year. (It’s in New York more often, though.) Not noticing the little bird dropping from the ceiling at the mention of the SECRET WORD, they move on to other possibilities. They need the third clue, all four agree.