Temptation Island 3, Episode 2: First Dates and… the Bonfire!

Another Thursday brings with it something I’m very excited about – the start of the NFL Football regular season! Unfortunately, I’m covering Temptation Island, so that means I watched that instead. Let me tell you, if my circle of hell is personalized, it will consist of me being forced to watch this show endlessly. And just to make it that much more special, Tommy and Nikkole from TI2 will be there, arguing about phantom condom wrappers.

Not very surprisingly, the premiere episode absolutely TANKED in the ratings, finishing fifth out of the six networks with a 3.5 rating behind CSI, Scrubs, a Laverne and Shirley reunion (Laverne and Shirley?) and WWE Smackdown. Only the WB show, What I Like About You, finished lower. I should really point out that in some markets (most notably Philadelphia) TI3 was pre-empted in favor of pre-season football. Some cities get all the luck. But that does affect the ratings, however slight the effect might be. With the aforementioned NFL debut, I’m sure that the ratings will dip even lower. If we are really lucky, maybe Fox will come to their senses and cancel the show outright before long.

But really, come on now, Laverne and Freaking SHIRLEY?

In any case, as I mentioned last week, I actually enjoyed the first episode somewhat. That changed this week, as the second episode was incredibly boring due to the whole “we don’t really know anyone very well” syndrome. But I will go into that in more detail as we go.

Recap, recap, recap. Geez, the show is only it’s second week and we get EIGHT minutes of recaps. I shudder to think of the recaps after ten weeks. I shouldn’t complain, that’s just that much less show I have to cover.

The show itself begins where last week stopped: with Jason PISSED OFF. The single men leave, and the single women who were identified as the women's greatest threats arrive. They don’t know what they’re doing there either. Obviously deductive reasoning is not high on their list of abilities, but then you’ve got to reserve a lot of brain power for wiggling and jiggling. They go back to their resort, and Jason goes straight to his room, alone, and closes the door.

The men arrive at the women’s resort (remember, when I say men’s or women’s resort, I’m referring to the coupled partners) and the shocking twist is revealed. The women can’t believe how shocking this twist is. I mean, as twists go, you’ve got to admit it’s pretty darned shocking. It’s not like most of the contestants figured it out beforehand or anything.

Jeff shows his intelligence by saying that he knows Jason is mad. Hey, if that hair didn’t prove his intelligence, or lack thereof, nothing will. Anyway, he sees Kara as a challenge and thinks she will leave the island as a single.

The next day, Jeff picks a flower before arriving at Kara’s room, and she thinks that’s just the sweetest thing. They go on a sailboat ride and Jeff gives Kara a massage. You’d think this would be pretty futile, Jason being a massage therapist and all, but Jeff says she told him it was almost the best massage she’d ever gotten. Actually, Kara coos about how good it feels. Not the same thing, but close. I wonder if Jeff was hoping Jason would hear his little speech in the videos. This is, shall we say, an interesting situation developing.

Jason is having the complete opposite of a good time. Kind of like me watching the show. He doesn’t want to hike, he doesn’t want to swing (aw, Fox will be so disappointed), and he complains about mayonnaise on his sandwich and that the water smells fishy. A nice time-lapse shot shows Amy getting more and more bored as the day progresses.

I guess Jason and Kara are providing the entertainment for all the wrong reasons, just like I said.

Ant’ny and Tiffany go white-water rafting. He says (in a thick “goombah” accent) that he’s not exactly the outdoors type. We never would have guessed. Tiffany seems like a very outgoing and personable woman, and I hope she sticks around for a while because she seems to actually have a little bit of intelligence too. Anthony talks about Stephanie a lot on their date, and Tiffany doesn’t mind. Very nice – being territorial will only make him think about Stephanie more.

Stephanie is dating Derrick, about whom Anthony says, “he could be very intellectual, I don’t know. But I doubt it…” Stephanie tells Derrick that Anthony proposed to her recently, and she was shocked. Shocked, I say! “We hadn’t… we didn’t… um, {fidget, fidget} as much as I love him, I’m not ready to settle down.” OK, you’re in a relationship for three years and you’re not sure he’s the one? Are you, as the doctors say, a f**king LOON? Geez.

Kristin and one of the Ryans go swimming, and Kristin wastes no time in stroking the ol’ dolphin. She seems really happy to be doing it, too. I’m not sure if they see other types of marine animals on their date, though. Kristin says she wants to be in a relationship because dating around is too much work. Oh, you poor dear.

Eric and Maria go scuba diving. Maria is sure he will fall in love with her, but from the sound of it, she’s the one with the heart flutters. Wow, what intensely interesting dates these four had.

Melissa is excited to be dating Ian because she didn’t get a chance to talk to him earlier. Ian gives her a massage, which she says should worry Michael because that was his big reason that she would miss him – his great massages. Uh oh, better stock up on the Kleenex, looks like their relationship is over. Melissa also seems to have an issue because she’s three whole years older than Michael. Oooh.