Sung to the tune of the late Johnny Cash's “A Boy Named Sue”:
I had to jump ship as one of Drake And they didn't allow me much to take Just a pair of jeans, a shirt, and my tennis shoes Now, I don't blame Probst – he don't make the rules But they didn't even give us some tools And so I left with my tribe, just call me Ru
Well they must have thought it was quite a joke When we took a little plunge and we got a little soaked In jeans I had to fight to swim it's true And so I paddled with legs of lead When we came ashore I was almost dead I tell ya, life ain’t easy for this boy named Ru
Well, I sat right down on the tribal raft Then the Morgan tribe did something daft They left their stuff alone and I had no shame When I saw me a chance to advance my team And I justified the pirate theme When I plundered in the spirit of the game
Well it was Panama on our first day And we'd just hit town didn't plan to stay We had to stop and buy a thing or two With a bag of money and what we wore We had to barter, buy and score And our Drake tribe seemed to know just what to do
Well, our Sandra turned her gold into food We had chicken, sauce and what's more Dude We all knew by far that we'd squeak by and survive It would soon be dark, that day got old And we hired a boat like we'd been told And I said, “My name is RU! I'm Drake like you! Morgan’s gonna die!"
Well it hit us hard, night began to fall And we would down some cheap alcohol We partied all night, boy that hooch was better than beer Then we busted our butts when the morning came And we knew that our duds were all wrong for the game Cuttin’ and a rippin’ we had fun in the sun without fear
I tell ya, I thought I would hurt Anyone who'd catch me in a skirt Being chafed by wet jeans makes you change your point of view I heard them laugh and I heard them tease But my boys were happy and I was pleased I stood there wearin’ a skirt, this boy named Ru
And I said, “Man, this boy is tough” "But I'm not gonna make it in only my buff" And I knew I wouldn't have cared to wear a sarong But I hung up my jeans and I said goodbye To a red raw crotch and without a lie I had no shame, I felt that I was strong
I knew then that I was gonna be all right Even though I looked silly I fought the fight To win for us the immunity challenge it's true But before you tease me, just hear me out For the story I recount should leave no doubt That we're gonna win it all 'cause Morgan doesn't have a clue
We got all stoked up when it turned out we'd won And we did it without getting nude in the sun Like those Morgan boys with their naughty bits exposed And we talked about them losing today Every time we did, every time they'd say That if we think we're gonna win by taking off our clothes We will, but Lord, anyone but Ru! We will win this game!
Jan is a registered nurse by profession who enjoys writing reality TV satire for fun under the internet name "CELT," and can be reached at firstname.lastname@example.org.