Paradise Hotel, September 23: Twisting in the Wind

It’s a SPECIAL NIGHT and at a SPECIAL TIME, I am so ready to watch Paradise Hotel! How can you not be excited about this show? Nobody puts the “ho” in “hotel” like FOX. Oh, come on, you know it’s true. You also know that it’s true that if Fox thought they could get away with using that as the advertising tagline, they would.

The Deep Voiced Announcer gives us a recap of last week’s show. The guest count is dwindling, tensions are escalating, and Charla is not interested in kissing Dave. And then he recaps the last roommate selection. I know the ratings haven’t been great, but come on, the viewers watching this TWO HOUR SPECIAL EPISODE on a SPECIAL NIGHT and at a SPECIAL TIME already know this stuff. Geez. But anyway, at the last roommate selection, Tom was eliminated by Charla, who chose Dave over him. And then Host Amanda laid a shocking twist on the guests. As if we didn’t see that coming. She asked Tom who he’d like to have leave Paradise with him; Tom chose Dave. But Host Amanda whipped out a little gold envelope and told Dave that although he thought he was eliminated by Tom, she never gave Tom that power. Dave got the gold envelope (and the power) and eliminated Beau. Beau took this like a champ and starts bellowing about how Dave lied to him. Dave tried to defend himself and technically, Dave was probably right, but Dave should also have known by now that there are very few guests in Paradise who care about technicalities. At the end of the recap, we get a clip of Amy stating that, at this point, she trusts Keith more than Dave and then a clip Scott telling Dave that he’s annoyed that Dave had to think at all about whom to eliminate at the ceremony.

And then the Deep Voiced Announcer previews tonight. How far will the guests go to stay in Paradise? Seven guests remain, but only one couple will win THE ULTIMATE PRIZE. I find it very amusing that Fox is using graphics similar to those used for a monster truck and tractor pull. SUNDAY, SUNDAY, SUNDAY!!! THE ULTIMATE PRIZE AND TRACTOR PULL!!! Maybe THE ULTIMATE PRIZE is a monster truck and tractor pull. You never know. This is Fox, after all.

As if the Deep Voiced Announcer wasn’t annoying enough, here comes the theme song. This is followed by the Dramatic Rain Montage accompanied by some cheap horror film music. Has anyone besides me noticed that they show the exact same rain shots in every episode? I’m sure it rains a lot, couldn’t they take two seconds to film it more than once? Charla tells us that she can’t believe that the Barbies are all still at Paradise Hotel, but doubts that their luck will continue and believes that Amy will win. Oh, Amy, you are screwed, baby girl. A guest getting picked by Charla to win is like a football team getting picked by Lee Corso on ESPN GameDay. They’re toast.

Speaking of Amy, it’s time to hear what Amy thinks. Amy tells us that this is the first time she is really, truly alone at Paradise Hotel. She’s been struggling since Zack left. Each week gets more difficult. What does Amy do in a difficult situation? Engage in verbal abuse! This week, Dave has drawn the short straw. She wants to know why Dave didn’t send home “the person you really wanted to send home” instead of Beau. Even better, she berates him in front of Scott, saying that Dave told Beau that he wanted Scott to leave before Beau. Dave clarifies – he meant that, but only in the sense that when he sent Beau home the first time, he really wanted to send Scott, but caved to popular opinion. Hasn’t he learned yet? Subtleties, technicalities, finesses – they’re all irrelevant in paradise. Amy responds by screaming that she doesn’t want to hear that – she’s “yelling” at Dave and he can’t turn this on her. Dave sighs and says that Amy hates him “yet again” and when she gets angry, she directs it at him and Keith. Maybe that’s because Dave and Keith have been rather efficient at kicking her friends out of Paradise Hotel.

Hey! It’s Tara’s birthday! Dave and Charla plan a surprise party to be held at the disco. What’s Tara doing? She’s in her room cuddling with Keith, who’s talking about how he wants to kick everyone out so that he can survive and win. Tara muses that “it’s a dog eat dog world and a dog eat dog hotel.” Ain’t that the truth, sweetheart. Dave has decided that Tara’s birthday is another opportunity to write a horribly cheesy song. Continuing the dog train of thought, not only is the song a dog, but I’m surprised that my dogs aren’t howling at the sound of his singing. Given how hard he tries, he must sound a whole lot better in his head than he does in the real world. Wait! His song is to the tune of the Paradise Hotel theme song! The horror! The horror! Charla is confused, then horrified, then walks away.

Scott is sick and in bed. Everyone is bummed that he’s sick, but the show, I mean party must go on! Tara is surprised! Dave and Keith sing the cheesy song. Everyone laughs and looks like they need another drink. Tara gets a present. It’s a Barbie doll and dress up set. Heh. She loves it. Heh heh. She tells us that she really appreciated the party that Dave, Keith, and Charla threw for her; she really misses her mom, who’s been bed ridden as the result of a car accident, and the party really cheered her up.

Back at the party, we find out that Amy’s not the only one who can dance – Charla can shake her booty, too! Wow! That’s unexpected! And then Keith does his best Chippendale/Bachelorette Party Stripper act for Tara as her birthday present. She lies down on the dance floor while he grinds, shirtless, over her. I’m not kidding. If I didn’t know they were at Paradise Hotel, I’d think he was the entertainment for a bachelorette party in Peoria. Holly and Amy laugh at the spectacle with horrified looks on their faces. The dancing may be over, but the party sure isn’t for Tara and Keith. They engage in a little smoochy, smoochy action under the covers. All that was missing was the Joe Millionaire subtitles. What strikes me as odd is how Fox chose to play up the romantic relationship between Amy and Zack, but isn’t showing much of the romantic side of two people who they’ve chosen to edit as protagonists. Go figure.