If Drake Tribe Had a Camera…

Last week, I tracked down a dusty film reel, after getting a tip from an inside source. To my surprise, it came from the Pearl Islands and it was used this year. It turns out that in addition to all of the goods Drake acquired on the first day, they had managed to purchase an old video camera, possibly for entertainment purposes. This is a transcript of what I saw, from the first week of the season.

(Numbers counting down: 5... 4... 3... 2...)

(Classical music plays in the background. Camera pans in on textbooks, pictures of past winners, and a portrait of Sir Francis Drake. Camera pans to Burton, reading "Classikal Pyrate Tales." He is wearing a robe with a Greco-Roman "D" over his left breast, and he has a pipe in his mouth. He glances at the camera, looks back in his book, then does a double-take.)

Burton: (frantically closing his book, putting the pipe down) Oh, hello. I didn't see you there. Welcome to the headquarters of the Drake tribe. Quite nice, is it not? (lifting up a glass bottle with a model pirate ship inside) My name is Burton Roberts the Fifth. (Looking inside the bottle) Marvelous, isn't it? It took Christa three days just to find the bottle. Ah, but where are my manners? Let me tell you about our humble tribe. For one, we have an expert in goods acquisition...

(cut to: Marketplace, Day One. Sandra and Trish haggle with a female merchant.

Merchant: [in Spanish, with subtitles] I have some kerosene and lanterns... but I want the girl.

Trish: Ummmm... how come she's looking me over like that? I feel so weird!

Sandra: [Spanish]: Look, my friend is getting really nervous. Twenty bucks for your stuff... and I'll throw in a few pieces of chicken I just got. But leave the girl alone. Please.

(cut to: Burton)

Burton: Our chief fisherman brings dinner for all every night...

(cut to: Rupert, waist deep in the water, spear in one hand, basket in the other)

Rupert: Alrighty... I know you, and you know me. So let's cut to the chase, shall we?

(The fish start jumping into the basket, flopping around as they gasp)

Rupert: (shouting) Hey, fellas! Get the hot sauce ready! I got a new recipe I just thought up!

(cut to: Burton)

Burton: And like most resorts, we have nighttime entertainment!

(cut to: Night. Lanterns on both sides)

Shawn: (off-screen) And now put your hands together and give a big Drake welcome to... thhhheeeeee Incredible Jon Dalton!

(the crowd hoots as Jon runs from behind the trees)

Jon: How are ya? I just came in from Panama City, and boy are my arms tired! (crowd laughs as Jon makes swimming motion) Okay, so a priest, a rabbi, and a Morgan tribe member walk into the bar...

(cut to: Burton)

Burton: And we have a trio of hard-working beauties!

(cut to: Trish, Christa and Michelle standing around. After five seconds, cut back to Burton)

Burton: I apologize. We didn't think of filming them at work. And we don't have film of them bathing together. That is so Amazon, you know? Been there, done that! (Has a hearty chuckle, as he walks slowly towards a telescope.) Now, we realize that we are not the only tribe in the area. The other tribe is called Morgan. Would you like to see what they're doing right now? (putting his eye on the lens) Let's take a look!

(soft piano music as the lens goes fuzzy. As it clears, Shawn is bare-chested, frantically digging a hole, a crude "O" is painted on his chest. Right now, he is Ryan O.)

Ryan: (digging) Gotta find the treasure! Maybe there's gold! Or silver! Or even... bronze! We'll be winners, for sure!

(Burton swaggers in, playing Andrew)

Andrew: By my frayed Armani! Are you still digging?

Ryan: It's no good, Boss! I've been digging for hours!

Andrew: You could be working on the shelter! It's a gosh-darn deathtrap!

Ryan: I got bit fifteen times in my sleep! I ain't going back there! I'd rather sleep in the water!

(Jon arrives on screen, wearing half-coconut on his head, to represent baldness. He is playing Osten)

Andrew: Harumph! Pray tell, what's the good word, Osten?

Osten: Waaaahh!! Waaaaahh! I wanna quit! I wanna quit now!

Andrew: Oh, come now! Things can't be that bad, my strapping friend!

Osten: I sold all my clothes for a makeshift closet and magic beans! I'm frying in the day and freezing in the night! I am so dumb! Get me out of here!

Andrew: Now, now, we're your friends! One for all, all for one, and pants and briefs off at all times! We can't let you quit!

(Sandra arrives, playing Tijuana)

Tijuana: I wanna quit, too! I hate this tribe! I hate that I sound like Cynthia from The Real World! This game is hellastupid! HELLAstupid!

Osten: Wanna pound your head into the collapsing wall with me?

Tijuana: Sure!

(Osten and Tijuana run off-screen)