Paradise Hotel, The Finale: Shocking Twists Galore!

First off, before the episode even starts, I’d like to give props to the Fox Publicity Department and US Weekly Magazine. I say this because on Saturday, I was minding my own business, catching up on the latest Ben and J.Lo. news and there it was. A big fat hairy spoiler. In the television preview section of US Weekly, there was a picture of what appeared to be the jury with a blurb about how the evicted 11 were coming back. And so I took a look at the picture and saw two people standing there who had not been eliminated yet. Criminey! Exactly how dumb do you have to be to tease the last eviction for two weeks (not to mention through the entire two hour episode) and then reveal the answer in a magazine? I thought that it might be a trick, but the producers of this show are no Mark Burnett. So, anyway, I began watching this week’s episode knowing a little too much. But I’m not bitter or anything. Nooooo.

It’s a monster truck and tractor pull ad! Wait. No, it’s just the opener. And hey, since you’re watching the finale, you probably have no idea what’s gone on until this point. No worries, the Deep Voiced Announcer will recap the entire summer. Here’s the Cliff’s Notes version: Dave and Charla become a team. Dave gets picked on by Toni (“Game on!!!”). Tara, Holly, and Keith arrive in paradise. Zack leaves. Amy screams. The hotel becomes (insert dramatic pause) “a house divided.” It’s the Barbies vs. the Originals. Despite the odds being against them, the Barbies get the power and eliminate most of their rivals. Then the ratings drop, so the producers bring all the evicted guests back. The evicted guests return and act like @$$holes. “I came back ready to attack.” The Barbies experience anger and sadness, but find strength in each other and survive the onslaught.

Next, the Deep Voiced Announcer is going to tell us what happened last week. I guess this is what happens when you stretch a half-hour show into a two-hour finale. Again, here’s the Cliff’s Notes version: One person has the power to force out a couple. Dave plays both sides of the fence. Keith discovers his strategy and he and Scott manage to turn everyone against Dave. The six give Keith the power. He must decide who to eliminate. He appears constipated. Really, if you want the long version, read my recap.

Anyway, the Deep Voiced announcer has finished retelling history for the first time tonight and now he moves to the preview of tonight, which includes Host Amanda ominously talking about the “only way to win the prize” and Tara crying. What – do they have to commit a crime to get the prize or something? Please. And then we go to commercial. Wait. Did I just hallucinate, or did Fox spend 10 minutes telling us what we already know?

So, anyway, at 9:10 or so, we’re finally ready to get going. After, of course, Fox shows us the last five minutes of last week’s show. Hey! It’s Keith’s constipation face again! Then we get the High Noon at the OK Corral music and as I giggle at the thought of tumbleweeds rolling through the Paradise Hotel pool deck, we get flashbacks of last week. Just in case we’ve forgotten what we saw seven days ago. Or what we were told ten minutes ago.

Keith tells the others that he thinks highly of every single person left. Host Amanda gets impatient and asks for his decision. Charla starts crying. Keith stammers and then eliminates Scott and Holly. He apologizes but says that he has to go with his “word from day one” and that the Barbies decided long ago that if the four of them could be the Final Four, they would. Host Amanda sums up Scott and Holly’s feelings with a big old “oooooofffff.” Keith hopes he made the right decision and rejoins Tara, who is crying. Hey, that shot of Tara is the one we saw earlier in a piece of very deceptive previewing (the Barney purple eye shadow is a giveaway). Bad Fox! Bad Fox!

Host Amanda asks Scott and Holly what they think about making the Walk of Freedom. Holly says that Dave told her that he’d have chosen her and she supposes that Dave’s been lying to her the entire time. Hello? Holly? It was KEITH who eliminated you. That’s K-E-I-T-H. Scott says that he’s been there a long time and that paradise is amazing. Yes, Scott. That’s why they call it paradise. Scott tells Host Amanda that he had hope 20 minutes ago when Dave blatantly lied to Keith and that he thought Keith would have “the integrity and stones” to call Dave on the lie, but Keith apparently didn’t. Then, he wishes the Final Four luck. I can’t decide if that’s two faced (“you’re a bastard, but good luck”) or classy (“you’re a bastard, but good luck”). Either way, Host Amanda thanks them and then kicks them to the curb.

Here’s something I’ve been wondering. Do the guests really have to check out? Is there a bill? Do they have paperwork? I guess I’ll just have to wait for The Smoking Gun to get a copy of their contracts to find out. Oh, and by the way, the Fox Publicity Department did spoil their own show. The US Weekly picture, which included Scott and Holly, was a picture of the jury. What a bunch of clowns (both the Fox Publicity Department and the jury).

Scott and Holly hug the Final Four, except for Dave, who they treat like he’s got some sort of contagious disease. Holly manages to give Dave a very cold one shouldered hug. Scott tells us that he would have gotten rid of Dave, but that there are “so many ways to play the game.” Huh? At any rate, Scott can feel good about himself going home. So, what does that mean, Scottie? Do you feel good about how you played? Or are you just feeling good about going home? Charla and Tara are holding hands as the Final Four watch Scott and Holly leave. And it’s time for another commercial, but first, a preview. Charla gets mad at Dave. The celebrations are short-lived. There’s a SHOCKING TWIST. During commercial, I revel in the fact that I was, yet again, correct in my prediction.