Paradise Hotel, The Finale: Shocking Twists Galore!

Charla thanks Keith. Tara leaps into Charla’s arms. Dave thanks Keith; Keith is not interested in talking to Dave. Keith tells Dave that he put him in a bad position. Charla and Tara go off to have a private conversation. Charla can’t believe that Dave told Holly he didn’t have a number two. Charla feels betrayed and that Dave made them look really bad. Dave tells Keith he feels badly about the lie he told Holly. Charla tells Tara that she thinks that Tara and Keith will win because of Dave’s lie. Keith tells Dave that he was honest with Scott and Holly and that he told them he wanted Dave and Charla in the Final Four. Dave says that telling the truth was Keith’s way of playing, but not his.

Charla tells Dave that she is furious about his lies. Tara and Keith are her sidekicks and she would never do anything to put them in jeopardy. Dave lied in front of Scott and Holly and she wishes that she had called him out. Charla says that she never told anyone that they were safe. Dave, in one of the best lines of the summer, asks, “Do you want me to give you a Nobel Prize, Charla?” Dave tells Charla that he’s protected her all summer. Charla says they’re going to lose. Dave says Charla said she didn’t care about winning. Charla says that she doesn’t want to be associated with someone who betrayed Keith and Tara. While Charla and Dave have it out, Keith and Tara jump on the bed and giggle.

The next morning Charla and Dave struggle to get out of bed. Charla asks Dave if he’s depressed. Dave replies that he plans to medicate himself with as much coffee as he can hold. Keith and Tara jump on their bed and giggle. They decide to summon Dave and Charla by phone. Charla asks if Keith and Tara are okay, as they appear to have inhaled something. Dave announces that he’s angry (apparently at Keith & Tara). Charla replies that she would rather have been eliminated than go against her friends. Keith and Tara roll around on their bed and giggle. Dave and Charla arrive and there are hugs distributed freely. The Final Four have single sex breakfasts. Keith jokes with Dave about how they need to talk strategy and figure out how to kick the girls off. Tara asks Charla if she thinks that they’ll have to betray their friendship to win. Charla replies that the producers wouldn’t do that. Oh, Charla, ye of little faith. I’m sure the producers would do that if they thought it would help the ratings. You do understand this show is on Fox, right?

And it’s time for a commercial again. But first, they have to show the same preview they showed before the last commercial break! Unbelievable. And, of course, the biggest surprise will be what the Final Four will need to do to win.

After breakfast, the Final Four return to their rooms. Keith tells Tara that Dave is worried because Charla is not as competitive as Tara is. Tara tells Keith that Charla is worried that the Final Four will be pitted against each other. Keith says that they’re already pitted against each other and that he’s “100% against Dave right now.” Well then, that’s settled. Let’s move on. Hey! There’s a butler with an envelope. The letter instructs the couples to create a photo album of memorable moments of their stay at Paradise Hotel. This activity appears to be a device for Fox to show more recap footage.

Our trip down memory lane includes the following moments, brought to you for the billionth time this summer by Fox:

1. The girls all greet each other on the first day. Toni asks (to herself) as she looks at the women surrounding her, “Is everyone here perfect? Oh, yeah, they are.” I guess she didn’t see Amy.
2. The Keith/Zack abs competition from when Keith competed to get on the show. Tara declares it the “best abs competition ever.” I’m not sure about that, but Keith is sporting a seriously impressive six pack. Zack was completely outgunned.
3. Dave getting drunk on the first night and making an “ass” of himself (his words, not mine, kids) and joking about his “man boobs.” There’s a picture of a member of the studio audience holding up a sign that says “I heart your man boobs.”
4. Dave’s striptease for Toni, which Dave points out is only one of the many humiliating things he did in paradise.
5. The flirting between Keith and Charla. Dave doesn’t enjoy recalling (or discovering) this.
6. Toga night, with Tara’s kissy, kissy undies.
7. The kissing game, which we’ve seen a bajillion times. Clearly, this was a memorable moment for the producers. (“Finally, we get to put that sex disclaimer to good use!”) Charla is surprised there’s no picture of her kissing Zack. Dave’s head whips around as he asks when that happened.
8. The mud wrestling match between Tara and Scott, followed by the Dave and Toni wrestling match.
9. Andon teasing a drunk Charla on the beach.
10. The swimsuit competition from the King and Queen of Paradise competition. Tara notes that both she and Dave stripped. Dave notes that that was the only swimsuit competition that he’s ever been in and will remain the only one.
11. Charla and Tara promising to be together until the bitter end. Charla tells Dave that no one has made her happier in paradise than Tara had. “Sorry.” Charla knows that Tara will be part of her life forever. I really like how they’ve become friends. It’s a good thing.
12. Toni bellowing “Yahtzee. GAME ON!!!” at Dave at a Pandora’s Box. Okay, Toni. Game on.