Paradise Hotel, The Finale: Shocking Twists Galore!

The photo albums are finished, as both Charla and Keith cut the heads off of pictures of people they didn’t like. Poor Melanie. Poor Kristen. Dave and Charla remove all pictures of Toni from their memory books. Charla and Dave look at their book and agree, “Good times.” It’s time to get ready for dinner. Keith calls Dave, who wants to know where the cummerbund goes. What? Tara tells him to put it around his head. Heh. Keith gives him dressing advice, hangs up and kisses Tara. Smoochy, smoochy. They arrive at a fabulous black tie dinner. Champagne pours. Tara toasts to the four of them. Keith appreciates everything that they’ve done for the team. Dave is glad that they’ve played the game to best of their abilities and made friends. Charla is grateful for the good friends she’s made. She could cry, she’s so glad.

Okay, the love fest is over, kids. Host Amanda arrives with some music obviously stolen from a James Bond movie. She wants to make a couple of announcements. All good things must come to an end and after dinner, they must pack their bags because tonight is their last night in paradise. Oh, and she brought two people to give the final announcement. As I dread Zack walking through the door, Beau and Toni stroll in. Toni says, “Werrrrrreee baaaaacccck!” They congratulate the Final Four and announce that they’re back in the game. What!?!?? Can the message boards be correct? Are we watching Love Cruise all over again? (In case you’re wondering, on Love Cruise, the final four became the final six as all the eliminated guests picked another couple to compete for the final prize. And to make it worse, Toni was on that show too!) If that’s the case, I can’t believe that Toni and Beau were the ones picked. Ugh. This makes the outcome feel very obvious. If the jury chose Toni and Beau to come back, then obviously Toni and Beau will win. That can’t possibly be true. If Toni and Beau are back, then I’ll bet the final six vote amongst themselves for winners, which, by the way, would support my prediction that Charla and Keith win.

Beau and Toni say they’re just kidding. Whew. Toni announces that all of the evicted guests are coming back and will have the power to determine the winners of the game. Beau tells the Final Four to do some thinking on why the jury should choose them to be the winners. Toni tells the Final Four to come up with speeches on why they should win. And then she says it. “Game on!!!” Heh heh heh. Nice one, Toni. Toni and Beau leave the Final Four in silence. Dave says that this is an interesting development. Tara says the bad feeling she had a couple weeks ago when everyone returned is back. Keith says that this is their last dinner together and he doesn’t want to spend his last night worrying about who wins. Charla replies that she’s not worried. Keith says that he is. Huh? Tara and Keith leave Dave and Charla sitting at the table. Charla looks rather unhappy. Each couple returns to their room.

Dave tells Charla that things are over. Charla announces that she’s not preparing a speech. Dave says that he’s going to have to justify the aggressive and manipulative way he played the game. Charla doesn’t want to think about things anymore. Keith decides that they need to prepare three speeches: for us, for them, and the question mark. What the hell is a question mark speech about? Huh? Keith and Tara prepare the speeches by cuddling on the bed.

Dave advises Charla that they need to put their best foot forward. We see Keith massaging Tara’s foot. Chuckle, chuckle. Charla tells Dave she won’t do anything to persuade the jury to vote for her. Dave incredulously asks if she’s going to lobby for Tara and Keith. Charla says no and that she’ll be home in two days anyway. Dave tries to predict the jury’s votes. Dave and Charla start to bicker. Charla thinks they’re screwed because of the lies Dave told to Scott and Holly, who will lobby the jurors to vote for Keith and Tara no matter how much the jurors hate Keith and Tara. Keith and Tara call with an idea. Keith suggests that all four should say, “F**k you all. That’s our speech.” Hilarious. I wonder what would happen if they tried it. It’s probably the most honest thing they could say to the jury.

Keith and Tara go for a cuddle, I mean swim, in the pool. Keith tells Tara that they have an “unbelievable chance” to “take this home” because Dave and Charla have kicked everyone out. I guess Keith has conveniently forgotten his time as the Paradise Hotel Grim Reaper. Very. Convenient. Dave practices his cheesy speech and tells Charla that he can make himself cry if necessary. Keith tells Tara that he plans to go home winning. I have a feeling there will be a little smoochy, smoochy action for the two of them tonight.

In the morning, Dave masters the obvious and tells Charla that this is their last day at Paradise Hotel. Well, at least until they do the reunion special. You know it’s coming. During, oh, say, sweeps, perhaps? Charla is glad they met because she doesn’t know if they would have been friends in real life. Dave tells her that they wouldn’t have been friends in real life, but he’s glad they met. Charla handicaps their chance of winning at 10%. Keith practices his speech and says that one regret he and Tara have is that they talked bad about people. Tara says that she didn’t talk bad about anyone. Keith looks at her like she’s lost her mind and says, “Get out of here, dude.” Heh.

Each couple thinks the other one will win and comes up with reasons for it. They practice their speeches ad nauseum. Charla invites Dave to visit her in Minnesota. Has anyone besides me noticed that whenever she talks about home, her Minnesota accent gets really think? Oh yaa, sur, yew betcha. Dave discovers he doesn’t have any black socks. Charla offers him a pair of hers, which he accepts. That’s odd. Not that she offered him the socks, but that Fox chose to include this footage.