Real World/Road Rules Challenge: The Gauntlet, Episodes 1 & 2: Back In The Saddle

First of all, I’d like to give shout outs to my friends at GuidoCon: T.J., Illeen, Kim, as well as the others who figured out that “Jason” is Greek for “Has Trouble With Names.” Of course, I can’t forget Joe and Bill, whose villainy on The Amazing Race set the standard, and whose niceness knows few limits. Also, special thanks to Clara for inviting me to her apartment to not only watch The Gauntlet, but also VH1 Goes Inside: The Real World afterwards. Here’s hoping this season goes on as you like it.

Secondly, I’ve been thinking about Bob Murphy. For those who aren’t Mets fans (and I can’t blame you), he was the radio voice of the team for 42 years, ending last week. His trademark was saying, “We’ll be back with the happy recap,” after every Mets win. I’ll say this now: not every recap will be pleasant. Some of these people tick me off. But I promise that I can make these recaps entertaining as possible. So saddle up, buckaroos. We got a long ride ahead.

Serene countryside shots intercut with a plane landing. People walking around, having no sense to run or hide from what’s about to come. A plane door pops open. Say, Mike, do you want the first line? “Road Rules, kiss my ass, baby!” And we’re off.

Shots of American flags, where the stars have been replaced by team logos. More deplaning. Jonny Moseley voiceover: “The players: twenty-eight alumni of The Real World and Road Rules. The location: Telluride, Colorado.” Brief shot of Jonny on horseback. I wonder if the other moguls skiers give him grief for hosting this show. Jonny: “The stakes: $300,000.” The editors put in a heartbeat over that last part, it’s that dramatic. David and Theo G. whoop it up getting off the plane. Theo interviews that everybody is here to win the money. Jonny: “The challenge: survive the Gauntlet.” Rachel R. figures that her team has the edge. “Road Rulers are some very cocky people,” Coral quips. “I think they’re used to living in RVs, and they’re not used to hanging out with people that are normal.” Yeah, Coral is the epitome of the status quo. Matt: “This is the true story of what happens when you pick 28 freaks to live in a mansion.” Dude, you lived with Melissa. It’s “maaaaaannn-shun” Jonny: “This is the Real World/Road Rules Challenge: The Gauntlet.”

Credits. Last time, we had Midtown’s “Let Go” with all the beach cheesiness. This time, we got somebody called Ill Kid and “Rock Star.” I don’t think it’s as catchy, but it’ll grow on you. Anyway, Darrell and Rachel R. pose with pitchforks, and Rachel jump into Darrell’s arms. Norman and Matt are on horseback, and Norman tips his cowboy hat. Steve gives Sarah a squeeze as they pose. She’s shocked at first, but looks like she liked it. If she didn’t already have a boyfriend, she’d do a lot worse than Steve. Tonya rides piggyback on Theo G. Adam and Katie pose in front of a stable. Mike makes the “call-me” gesture with his hand, while Coral puts up the fakest smile she can muster. Trishelle and Nathan pose near some hay. Tina and Roni sit on a car, lift a leg up, then hug. Ew! Keep your mitts off Roni

Remember the dopey twirl Laterrian did last season? He’s all macho now, chopping some wood with a shirtless Abram. Irulan and Alton embrace and kiss. Montana and David smile with their heads out the window; David’s smile is the one that says, “I had sex with a woman ten minutes ago, and we never got to names.” Yes, I still remember that episode. Cara and Dave hold each other and smile. Elka and Rachel B. share a horse and smile. Veronica and Theo also share an equine, as he puts her hand near her stomach.

Climax. Both teams walk from opposite sides. Out steps Jonny. He looks at the RWs, and they’re making “Bring it, punk!” motions. He looks the other way, and the RRs make cutthroat gestures. Rumble time! Jonny shrugs. He’s just the host, people. Zoom shot away from the cabin.

Mountain shots, with the town near the base. Adam is amazed about the runway being on a cliff. He tells us that since Battle of the Seasons, he’s taken time off and trained for Eco-Challenge. Don’t remind me... not that Adam’s bad these days, but I miss Timmy. Mike’s wearing his own web site t-shirt:, “The Miz Phenomena Has Begun.” This from a guy who can’t spell “Gauntlet” in his recaps. He tells us he’s been wrestling in the independent circuit. Immediately, he starts trash-talking Theo V. He interviews that he wants to prove that “Real World is the grandaddy of all realities.” Theo interviews that he’s been working as a tour manager, and he’s been looking for girls.

Sure enough, he waits in a doorway, kissing the cheeks of Tonya and Rachel B., and hugging and pecking Norman. Speaking of whom, Norman introduces himself. He claims the others are starstruck, since they saw him on the first season of The Real World when they were kids, which could work to his favor. “How can you get rid of George Washington?” he asks. “It would be like sacrilegious to get rid of him.” I hope that’s just Norman mocking David E’s “I am The Real World” intro from last season. He casually lifts Mike’s shirt up, declaring he wants to stay a week or two.

Cara and Dave get off the plane. We get clips of when Cara was voted off, where Dave was totally being dramatic about it. Anyway, he reunited with Cara in Los Angeles and “sparks ignited.” Cara adds that they’ve been hanging out in Chicago every second together. Veronica introduces herself. “I never really lasted the whole way through,” she interviews. “I’m so tired of going home with empty pockets.” I guess Emily’s bloody axe attack made her forget about Challenge 2000, where her team won over $60,000. Irulan and Alton intro: their relationship started after the show ended. Alton tells somebody that they’re sleeping together. That whole season skeeved me out. Alton: “The last thing I expected to do was fall in love.”

Oh, good. Tina’s bitching, since she expected somebody to grab her smaller bag while she hefted her suitcase. I hate her. Abram, looking to wipe his slate clean and maybe make a new friend, picks up her bag. Abram introduces himself. Naturally, there’s the clip of him fighting Donell. Abram is not worried about proving himself and he wants to chill and let things happen. Roni thinks she’s at a disadvantage, since nobody knows her. “As long as they know how I can compete,” she says, “then that’s all it’s gonna take.” Steve tells Roni and Tina it’s “big easy” to be half Asian and half white in the Midwest.