Surviving Nugent: That’s Entertainment?

Surviving Nugent is a one-off Survivor type contest from VH1 in which folks are pitted against the mind and home of Ted Nugent in hopes of winning $25,000 and a new Dodge Ram pick-up truck. Set in the Michigan backwoods that make up the Nugent ranch, Ted takes eight folks out of their sub and urban lifestyles in order to put them through his paces. Each of the contestants seemed to have been chosen for their complete lack of outdoor skills. It wouldn’t serve to outline their names and where they come from. In short order the viewer sees that it is not the purpose of this program to learn about surviving, teamwork, interpersonal dynamics, or even care. We aren’t even subjected to much adolescent angst. Mostly it is a string of attempts at humiliating folks for laughs and money. Won’t this be fun? Watching city slickers fall all over themselves while the country folk laugh? Ted seems to think so.

Before they have introduced us to all the contestants, Ted has selected one who has to be removed from the game because, in his words, “you smell like a burning French whore.” Even sillier are the reactions of those who are left that are stunned by, get this, “the seriousness of it.” Ted breaks an arrow and hands it to the player as a symbol of them becoming an outcast and we the viewers get to see the walk of shame as the person is taken to the property line and told to take a hike.

Back on the ranch the contestants are looking in disbelief at each other, “This is like the Blair Witch Project.”

You could say that.

It is now on to the living quarters, a couple of cots set up inside a barn. During Day One to test their mettle, the group is asked to build an outhouse. Tim Taylor had more on the ball than these folks and he was a fictional buffoon.

Watching from a distance, Ted and his family discuss the situation and come to the conclusion that his guests might perform better if fed. Brimming with humor, Ted delivers the group the “essential gift of protein” in the form of a mutilated groundhog and something else too far gone to identify. One woman throws the ‘gift’ out into the high grass and another, Sara, the self proclaimed vegan, takes the groundhog carcass back to Ted with the message, “No, thanks.”

Ted laughs behind her back with the sexist comment, “It’s OK. That took balls. I like balls. Besides, she’s cute.”

Day Two is announced by having the group awakened by a rooster crowing in the barn where they are sleeping. When they refuse to be roused this way, Ted saddles up with his guitar and stacks of amps for a rendition of “The Star Spangled Banner.” One of the players is so moved by this tactic that he stands and salutes as Ted finishes. It doesn’t come as a surprise that Ted is impressed with this behavior.

Now it seems that there is going to be some sort of competition in the midst of the sophomoric manipulation. A field has been set up with hay bales, farm equipment, and archery targets. At random spots there are American flags with $100 bills taped to them. The players are equipped with protective masks and vests, their job is to grab as many of the flags as they can while being shot at by Ted who is on horseback and firing a paintball gun. Those who lose will be forced to help skin a Russian Wild Boar and dress the carcass for the evening’s barbeque.

Sara stands out from the crowd because she lasts longer than some, staying out of Ted’s way and later by refusing to take part in the skinning of the boar. She claims defiantly, “they have been trying to change who I am since I got here. I am not going to change.”

This seems to amuse Ted, who, of course, is holding all the cards.

A new chapter unfolds called “Mind Games.” Here we find the players realizing that the game is rigged in several different ways and begin fighting amongst themselves. One man, Jack, seems to take a particular interest in getting Sara to give up her ways for the betterment of everyone involved. She refuses.

If being awakened by a screaming guitar wasn’t enough to set these people off their pins, the next day might do the trick. Rocco, Ted’s son, wakes each of the players by hitting them with raw eggs. In his words, “I wanted to really piss them off.”

Hungry and tired from their ordeal, the players are then subjected to Big Jim, Ted’s ranch hand and quite possibly a source of Jeff Foxworthy’s material, who insults them while eating his freshly cooked breakfast. Annoyed that none of them are trying to take his food, he heads out of the picture only to happily return when Joe finally breaks and gives him some guff about eating in front of them.