The Next Joe Millionaire, Episode 1: And You Can Be My Cowgirl

So we have wondered for so long how they were going to pull off another round of Joe Millionaire and frankly, Fox hit on a wild idea. Since the show was never broadcast in Europe, it was the perfect place for a round of international affairs. I’m back with you one more time to go through the lovely antics of our wild madcap women, but this time I am not doing it alone. Starting next week, I’ll be joined by the delightful Betsy Wasser, who will be covering the Monday night episodes while I’ll be joining you on Tuesday nights as we watch the hysterics take place.

We have fourteen unsuspecting women who are far cattier than anything I have ever seen on any reality show that I have ever watched or recapped. Lots of tears – this time not only from the women but Joe himself. But to top it all off we have a theme song that must have been what was rejected for Dallas and just put on a shelf before it could be used somewhere else. Now, since we haven’t met the ladies yet let’s do a quick country by country breakdown:

Germany – Cat, Jerusha, Johanna
Sweden – Olinda, Lina
Czech Republic – Kristyna, Linda, Tereza, Karolina
Netherlands – Anique, Petra
Italy – Yassamin, Alessia, Giada

And David Smith as The Beaver.

Paul welcomes us back with his requisite glass of brandy in his hand. He says that they had found fourteen ladies in Europe who had never heard of the show before and – shock of all shocks – they are just like their American counterparts. Some are nice, some not so nice, and some just want the money. Hmmm. Zora? Sarah? Heidi. Well the last one is a given for sure since I didn’t need to use a question mark there. I wondered what happened to our requisite bitch from the first edition and then I realized after about two-tenths of a second that I really didn’t give a rat’s ass about her in the first place.

Anyway, Paul tells us that we have many twists and turns in front of us and if we think we know how it’s all going to end then we are all just one big ball of wrong. Of course he said that last time and I pretty much pegged the ending there, as did many other people, with the duo splitting a nice bounty – so this year I think that the woman dumps him and she takes off with a million bucks, but I could change that in a heartbeat so don’t hold me to it. It could be that she turns out to be bisexual and she’s really in love with the woman that he just dumped and they are running off to live in Denmark. Now that would be interesting.

So let’s meet David in the shortest amount of time possible because we all know that they are going to drag this entire hour out. David is a rodeo cowboy so we get to see lots of him riding, as he calls them, “bareback broncs.” Now let me assure that this is in no way a risky sexual thing but it just means that he’s riding horses without a saddle. Apparently, David competes on what one guy calls the Oatmeal Circuit, which must be the bottom level of rodeo circuit and apparently doesn’t make you much money either because David apparently only made $11,000 last year. But as we all know that figure is always up for interpretation as you could also be a professional wrestler or an underwear model or a male escort (a rumor about Mr. Marriott that’s still not going away to this day). In the case of Mr. Smith, his little secret is that his father is the real millionaire who made his money in oil. That of course means that David has a financial backer to keep him in denim, flannel, and gym memberships since his body is way too well sculpted to have been developed from just riding “bareback broncs.”

Of course we have the litany of men to vouch for what a great guy David is and how humble David is and how David is such the man when it comes to riding bareback. But I think what gets me the most is David’s accent. I thought my mother and sister had pronounced accents but David’s pretty much beats theirs hands down. His parents raised him to be a nice Southern gentleman which means no hats in the house and spurs at the dinner table. Of course to hear David say it, it’s more like spur-ers at the dinner table.

All that David wants is a woman who is nice and sweet and doesn’t wind up being like a guy. Oh the litany of thoughts that ran through my mind when I heard that one. I’m holding back. I’m being demure. I’m showing restraint because it’s only the first few minutes and there’s no way in hell I would tell him to avoid the meat packing district in NYC known for their transvestite call girls. No, I would never tell him that.

It’s off to Italy and the villa were David is greeted by Paul and I gotta say that this is one swank pad. I could live there quite well but then again I would need the wait staff to make sure that it stayed clean. My one comment – David has a great butt in those jeans. At this point, Paul the Butler turns into Henry Higgins and decides that it’s time to give him a few lessons in how to be a multi-millionaire. This heralds back to the cleaning up they gave Evan last year and the litany of wine lessons.

Remember this?

“Wine test! Chicken – white. Pheasant – white. Lobster – Evan is stumped.”

Sigh. I’m hoping to get another round of this because it’s just not fun enough without it.