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Survivor Psyche: Special Report – Why Rupert is a Godby Suzanne Tromblay, Melinda Smith, and Mariah Smith -- 10/30/2003
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When a modern-day demi-god appears, striding like a Colossus through the ranks of pewling man-children (Jon, that would be you!), what else are we to do but sing his praises to the heavens!
Attractive and swarthy and hairy is he. Ru-pert, No-Pants!
If nautical tidbits be what you wish
then hand him a spear and watch him go fish!
But seriously, folks, who does Rupert remind you of? We found ourselves constantly comparing our hero to the likes of Hercules, Hagrid, Vulcan, Neptune, Thor, and Blackbeard the Pirate. When Rupert holds his trusty fishing spear aloft and bellows mightily, he is the powerful Poseidon personified. When Rupert craftily plundered the footwear of his foes, he embraced Blackbeard’s legacy. And best of all, Rupert is a throw-back to the lusty he-men of old – the circus strong man, champions of the wrestling ring like Gorgeous George, and anyone big, beefy, and unabashedly unripped. While Rupert manifests a pantheon of sterling qualities too numerous to list, we thought we’d have a go at a few:
1. Superheroes befriend lesser creatures. Thor had his pet snake Jormangandr. Hagrid kept a veritable menagerie of less than cuddly pets. And Rupert adopted the creature that others viewed as slimy and repugnant – no, no, not Jon! The python – Balboa!
2. Gods are not afraid to show their "feminine" side. When Thor needed to get his hammer back from the giant Thrym, he put on a dress and makeup and rode his chariot right into the giant’s stronghold. When the beskirted Rupert was a hostage in the Morgan camp, he displayed his warm and fuzzy side (not to mention his shapely legs) to disarm his enemies and persuade them of his goodwill.
3. Hero-types know when to put up and when to shut up. Unlike Hagrid, who couldn’t keep a secret, Rupert knew to bite his tongue when the Drake tribe brazenly decided to throw the challenge.
4. Gods move heaven and earth with their wrath! The earth shook and the waters trembled when gods like Thor or Neptune were angry. Thor threw his hammer, and lo – there was thunder. Neptune struck the waters with his trident, and tidal waves appeared. Rupert ripped a tree apart with his bare hands when Shawn lost his beloved spear! (Then picture Hagrid, er, Rupert, floating above the recently recovered spear-head and drawing it into his hand with a compelling "Wingardium Leviosa!")
5. Heroes suffer from their loved ones’ treachery. King Arthur loved his sister Morgana, and their son Mordred, even though they defied his rule and warred against him. Rupert wept openly at Tribal Council as he remembered the plots of the false-hearted Trish and Jon.
6. Gods take care of their own. Thor was a friend of the common man, ready and willing to use his strength and wiles in their defense. He-man Rupert used his gargantuan muscles to keep the damsel aloft and claim the challenge for his tribe! Not to mention keeping his tribe well fed, housed, clothed, and amused.
7. Gods rise above the petty jeers of lesser men. Vulcan was constantly ridiculed by the other gods for his hulking demeanor. However, when the chips were down, the other gods were quick to beg for his assistance. Sean and Burton repeatedly indulged in cheap shots directed at Rupert’s non-conformist sewing skills, his beard, his physique, etc. Rupert never took the bait, but came out smelling like a rose, even without the benefit of a shower.
8. Swashbucklers know how to put down a mutiny! Blackbeard was a master of the plank. Rupert sent Trish to Davy Jones’ Locker last week, with Jon to take his swim with the fishes soon (we hope, we hope, we hope!)
May our odes of praise be pleasing to the ears of our hero, we pray. He has speared our hearts like a trembling clown fish and made this season of Survivor the best one ever!
Melinda Smith is a technical illustrator and writer with a background in graphic arts. She and her family live in Cincinnati, Ohio. Her sister, Suzanne Tromblay, is a licensed social worker with the State of Ohio. Melinda can be reached at firstname.lastname@example.org.
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