Rich Girls, Episode 1: Feels Like the Very First Time

“Welcome to the life of a New York City teenager.”

This is the voiceover that opens the show Rich Girls, MTV’s newest foray into the realm of teen angst television. The title of the show implies – well, actually, it flat out states – that this won’t be about just any New York City teenager, though. But I won’t be grading with such nitpickiness quite so soon.

I did begin with high hopes for this show… finally, not another carbon copy of Real World set on a bus! This is delving into the private lives of a few of America’s richest teenagers, namely Ally Hilfiger (daughter of Tommy Hilfiger, he of the overpriced clothing line) and Jaime Gleicher, Ally’s best friend (and daughter of… Jaime’s mom.)

Right away we find out that Ally is chock full of maturity and wisdom far beyond her years with this quote – “We prance around this damn city like… like it’s our shopping haven.” Priorities clearly in order, Jaime chimes in with, “Shopping is like, my drug.” As I can think of far worse things to be addicted to at eighteen, I’m fine with that. Moving on…

We are treated to shots of these New York City teenagers doing not-so-average things, like lounging by the pool at the Hilfiger mansion and engaging in private yoga sessions. Groovy. So over this, Jaime comments, “People think we have it all together… money does not buy happiness,” while Ally emphatically states, “Just because we’re rich, that doesn’t mean we’re not good people.”

Oh, and what a great theme song, by the way. “Bet you’d live here if you could and be one of us.” Uh, yeah I would!! Just to be that age again without the money would be… uh wait… no, I’d like to try having that cash flow, too.

The first episode revolves around the prom. Ally hates the prom but is supporting Jaime’s plan to lose her virginity on prom night. The girls ride in a limo and discuss the prom dress-shopping plan – they will be joining Ally’s “like an Uncle” Michael H., a fashion designer with his own CD of rock music – “He is Rock and Roll.” Apparently, Uncle Rock & Roll Michael H. is the authority on what will look cool and flattering. “He’ll inspire us and bring out our true, like, uniqueness.”

ALLY FACT: Ally’s dad invented cargo pants and other designers ripped off his idea.

(There may be a quiz at the end of the series, so make sure to pay close attention.)

Ally and Jaime meet Uncle Michael for lunch. Ally talks about being on “What’s-his-name-Onassis’s” boat in Italy while Jaime calls the boy she’s been dating (Craig) for three weeks to ask him to the prom. Ally talks about not washing her hair for three weeks and shaking sand out of her hair all that time. Craig texts Jaime back that he’ll go to prom with her.

The dress shopping begins. Uncle Michael takes the girls somewhere regular people can’t go. Ally throws a chain-link handbag over her shoulder and Michael comments about her looking like Jane Fonda as Barbarella. Ally: “Who’s that?” Ally and Jaime try on stuff while Michael plays pool. (Yes, stores where regular people aren’t allowed to shop have pool tables.) Jaime models some horrible dresses while commenting again about shopping being, like, her drug.

The girls part ways with Uncle Mikey and hop back in the limo for more shopping. Jaime points out that they found everything but a prom dress: “Go f-ing figure.”

The limo rushes the girls to Saks & Company. Ally compliments Ralph Lauren on having some nice designs, but mentions that “Pop” probably wouldn’t approve of that purchase. Jaime tries on some more ugly $3,000 dresses. Jaime selects a leopard-print strapless dress that… well, while it might be “hip” and/or “cool,” it is not at all flattering. (Where’s Uncle Rock Star when you need him most?) As they leave the store, Jaime assists Ally in detangling her Jackie O. shades from her hair.

Back in the limo, Ally moisturizes her legs just like mom taught her. “Lubrication, lubrication.” She and Jaime then have a stirring conversation about Park Avenue moms. Jaime: “I’ll probably be one of those someday.” Ally: “I could never see myself like that.” Jaime: “Right. Me, neither.” Ally: “Yeah, you will. Jaime: “No.” Ally: “Yeah, you will. Jaime: “No.” Ally: “Yeah, you will. Jaime: “No.”

Yes, I know… this is fascinating. But wait – there’s more!

Ally goes on about how Park Avenue moms think they’re so important and treat their help like shit. “It really bothers me. They think they’re better than everyone because they married a husband.” (See, they way I understood is that a person can’t marry someone who’s already a husband… apparently, polygamy is all the rage amongst Park Avenue women.) Ally says her mom taught her to treat the garbage man the same as the Queen of England. Jaime says she thinks that clothes should be free like water “because they’re, like, a necessity.”

Moving on to the bikini wax! Jaime brings her little dog, Star, into the salon with her. The greeter person looks none-to-pleased with this but pretends to be thrilled and pets the dog. While getting primped for the big event, Ally and Jaime discuss the limo arrangements. Jaime’s upset because she and Ally are going to get stuck paying for the limo themselves. Jaime is then on the phone with Michael V. (It seems that all males associated with these rich girls are named Michael. Why? To keep things simple, maybe.) According to Ally, Michael is the Ryan Phillipe from Cruel Intentions of the group. Sounds charming. Jaime is arguing with Michael about Ally always paying for the limo. Ally tells her to tell him that they have to plan. Ally takes the phone from Jaime and tries to talk some sense into this Michael fella. “Michael, we have to plan, that’s why… ” she listens, her mouth hangs open and she clicks the phone off. “I had to hang up before I start to cry.” Yeah, this guy sounds like a winner.