The Next Joe Millionaire, Episode 4: Ciao, Linda

The Next Joe Millionaire continues to sink like a stone in the ratings so Fox has changed it to show only once a week instead of twice. Fellow recapper C. Brian Devinney and I realized that we weren’t both needed to cover the show, so RealityNewsOnline editor David Bloomberg challenged us to a Survivor style “Hands on the Immunity Idol” challenge to determine which of us would cover this riveting show. David took us both into the back yard of stately RNO manor and had us both put our hands on an old Survivor immunity idol. Whichever one of us could hold on longer got to cover the show. Brian and I held on for hours. David kept offering us bribes—chocolate, drinks, Clay Aiken CD’s—but we persisted. Finally, I looked over Brian’s shoulder and said, “Hey, isn’t that a shirtless David Smith?” Distracted, Brian took his hands off the idol and I won this coveted assignment.

It might have happened that way, but alas, it didn’t. I asked Brian if he wanted to keep covering the show. He said that since he’s doing Average Joe (and you can read his fabulous recap here), I could do it. Finally, in a last bit of old business before we get on with the show, Brian has asked me to share some of his viewer mail regarding his last recap. As you may recall, Brian recapped that David said something about waterburger or similar, and Brian had no idea what David was talking about. Well, the mail came flooding in, explaining that David was talking about Whataburger, a hamburger place that is apparently quite popular in David’s native Texas. So, everybody, Brian now knows all about Whataburger. Please don’t send him any more emails! Now, let’s get started!

The show starts, as always, with my man Paul Hogan drinking a brandy and musing over David’s latest dates. Paul says that David so far has been “a fish out of water,” but that this week, the women will have to adapt to David’s environment when they take a trip to a ranch. Which of the women will fit into David’s world?

At the villa, the women are enjoying breakfast. Olinda is wearing a gigantic pair of sunglasses that cover pretty much her entire head. Lina tells the ladies that she dreamed about going shopping, then to a spa for a massage. Olinda jokes, “that’s my lifestyle.” Paul arrives and tells the women that David would like for them to know more about his life in Texas. For their date, he has gotten presents for all of them. The presents are outside. The women should get them and then pack for an overnight trip.

The gifts are cowboy hats and boots for everybody. The women try on their new accessories and have a great time with it. Several of them get into the act by practicing saying, “shucks,” or by making little gun gestures with their fingers. Petra says of her new hat, “I like it. It looks cool.” Anique is similarly enamored with herself, saying, “I look gorgeous with a cowboy hat on.” The ladies have made the not so difficult deduction that the date will involve horseback riding. Linda says that she has never ridden a horse before and looks forward to David teaching her “the beauty of horses.”

David is very excited about the date. He says, “They’re finally going to get a taste of my world. I’m not this Gucci boy, you know? I’m a cowboy.” I’m pretty sure no one thinks David is a “Gucci boy,” whatever that is. He is eager to see if any of the women will fit in with his world.

The women arrive at a ranch in Tuscany, all decked out in their new cowboy duds. David tells them they look great. Lina agrees that they do. No false modesty in this girl! David says in an interview that he is absolutely thrilled to see the women in the Western clothing. He loves it like other guys might love a group of women dressed as cheerleaders. Olinda is equally impressed with David’s outfit of jeans, black shirt, and the ever-present rodeo belt-buckle. She calls him “a sophisticated cowboy.”

In a moment that harkens back to the first Joe Millionaire, David announces that the women will have to help him clean out the stables before they can go riding. As I recall, Zora will a real trooper about cleaning out the horse doody, so this will no doubt be an important activity. Lina starts whining immediately. She says, “No cleaning stalls with those nails. No cleaning! It was supposed to be dream date, David, not s*** date!” Okay, that was funny.

As the women start to shoveling, David talks in an interview about how telling he considers the ladies’ reactions to be. Apparently David is looking for a woman who actually likes cleaning out the horse stables. I don’t think that’s going to happen—maybe he should lower the bar a little bit and look for someone who is a good sport and doesn’t mind it. But that’s just me. David says, “Lina for instance—if you think she’s going to live on a ranch, think again!” Meanwhile, Lina is still complaining about the work (notice she’s complaining, not actually working). She asks if David couldn’t just hire someone to do this. That’s a good point, actually. If I had eighty million dollars and lived on a ranch, I sure as hell wouldn’t be cleaning the stables myself. For the record, Cat, Anique, Olinda, and to a lesser extent Petra are working pretty hard and not complaining. Linda, Giada, and Lina are avoiding the shovels and not doing much work.

With the stalls cleaned, it’s time to ride horses. David says that Olinda, Cat, and Anique really seem to like riding. Olinda says that David is much more relaxed and natural on this date than he has been on any other. David puts on his rodeo chaps. Olinda says in an interview, “You can really tell he’s got a nice butt. It’s nice and perky.” I swear, Olinda and Alessia make this show. They are so much fun and so funny. Their humor and zest for life make them totally wrong for David, who seems pretty boring in comparison, but I want him to keep the two of them around for a long time to keep things lively.

David says that he feels really comfortable and happy on this date. The women notice the difference. Anique thinks that this is the first time that David has seemed genuine, not like a guy acting like a cowboy, but like a real cowboy. Kristyna asks David to ride Hurricane with her and has a great time. In an interview, Cat says, “I think it’s very important to understand his life because it’s his passion and it’s very important to him.” She asks David lots of questions about rodeo and he positively glows at the opportunity to talk about it. Cat may very well be a good choice for David. At the very least, she seems genuinely interested in getting to know him as a person.