Real World/Road Rules Challenge: The Gauntlet, Episode 7: Onward Christian Solider

Last week, I saw that this episode would involve fat suits, and I wanted to use the opportunity to make as many jokes about Donell from Road Rules: South Pacific as I possibly could. Then it was made clear to me that maybe I’m a little too obsessed about hating him. Also, watching this episode was like having tiny needles jabbed into my skin. Don’t get me wrong; I appreciated the feedback, and it’s always good to know that I’m not the only hater out there. But this episode bothered me. Then again, every episode bothers me in some way.

Previously on The Gauntlet: Sarah defeated David in Dead Man’s Drop. The instant I see this mentioned, I know she will get boned. She hasn’t been integral to the stories after that, so why else would the editors bother with that clip? Road Rules increased their bank to $40,000 after winning Holey Canoe. “Fourth mission in a row feels great,” Rachel R. says. “We’re on a really big winning streak.”

Waterfall. Shots of the town. Such a lovely day. How do you think the guys will spend it? If you said, “play games that involve alcohol,” give yourself a pat on the back. Matt’s looking on, since he’s not really down with that. “Who wants good conversation,” Dave asks Matt, “when you have beer pong?” Matt shrugs with a smile on his face. He interviews that he doesn’t want to sacrifice who he is for money.

Matt walks outside. Okay, here’s what bugs me about him. On the one hand, he is one tough cookie. He can take shots from the opposing team. He can put votes for Coral or Elka in the open. On the other hand, I think that he lays the Christian stuff too thick. Example: he starts talking to God. Oh, I’m sure he would be doing that if there were no cameras. “Dear God,” he starts, “sometimes I don’t even know why I’m here. I don’t live lives like most of these people.” True, I can’t see Matt bellying up to the Belly bar. The editors start piping in religious-sounding music, because Matt loves God and stuff. He interviews that he has good intentions, and giving every dime he gets to Life Teen is his reason for hanging in there. He opens his arms. I know he asked the producers to give him some Creed for this scene. “Thank you for the gift of life,” Matt concludes, “and I give it all to you every day. Amen.”

Coral: “Matt thinks he’s above everybody else, and that eventually will get your ass to the Gauntlet.” Oh, look. The pot just called the kettle a cab. Coral and Elka are at the same bar from two weeks ago. Elka feels bad for Matt, since some people like him. Coral retorts that there’s no choice but to like him. In the background, “Complicated” by Avril Lavigne plays. What kind of bar is this? Seriously, did the CD from Julie’s lame band not come in yet? Coral and Elka cackle. “He’s out!” Coral laughs. “Get out of here!” Elka: “God won’t save you now! You gotta pray for the Gauntlet!”

Nighttime. Mansion. Sarah tells Cara that during her bout against David, she saw some kids behind a fence cheering for her. This disturbs me. What parent would let their child watch Campus Crawl? Sarah interviews that she wants to change people’s minds about. “She’s a wonderful person,” Cara says of Sarah. “She’s got a lot to offer to the team, and I think that everyone should give her a break already.”

Morning. Breakfast. Darrell is eating cereal with his shirt off when the sponsor phone goes off. The only detail he reads out loud is that they’ll be picked up at 9 a.m. He immediately starts trash-talking Norman, of all people, saying that he’s too slow. “I’ll beat you in any race,” Norman replies. Darrell keeps going, banging his hand on the table.

Mission site. Jonny welcomes the players to Heavyweight Hustle. The object: traverse an obstacle course. Shots of hurdles, tires, and inflated balls. Jonny announces that the winning team gets $10,000 from a sponsor, which is also throwing in portable MP3 players, in case the two commercials during the show weren’t enough. Jonny’s cap: “Famous People Suck.” Well, I guess Jonny will never suck, then. Dave expositions that it’s an uphill course, which is tough enough with the thin air. Jonny adds that there’s an incentive for players to finish first: namely, the water cannons that can be fired at the opposing team. He adds the catch: the players have to run in costumes. He pulls back a tarp to reveal... fat suits. Naturally, this gets a laugh from the group, as the editors slip in some fat music.

On the Road Rules side, Steve comes up with a plan: crawl on each other’s backs like ants. Adam is enthusiastic, since the team has won every time they had a strategy. Darrell and Steve will run out in front to possess the cannon. Adam interviews that Steve has been getting votes for wanting to be first rather than to help the team. “He really needs to step up in the next mission,” Adam continues, “or he’s going to the Gauntlet.”

Over on the Real World side, Mike tells Trishelle to crawl over him. Matt wants to take the cannon as quickly as possible. Elka interviews that she has a doctor’s note forbidding her to compete in missions involving crawling or kneeling. We get a flashback to Mudball, where Elka slammed her knee to the ground really hard. Trishelle gripes that Rachel B. is playing with the same injury. “People are using the injuries to their advantage,” she notes, “because they won’t get voted into the Gauntlet.” First of all, how do we know that Rachel’s knee is as hurt as Elka’s? Second, Trishelle sat out of Mudball and nobody voted for her, so she’s full of it.

Into the fat suits. I can’t blame them for having a good ol’ time about this, since few of them have ever been heavy. It just irks me that the producers automatically equate “fat” to “funny.” That would explain Donell, though. “Hey, here’s a fat guy who shimmies and starts trouble! And he has little problem showing off his ample frame! Let’s put him on our show!” That’s just my issue. I mean, I don’t look like a skinny guy in a fat suit. You can’t hear me coming from a mile away, but I’m still vaguely insulted.