The Next Joe Millionaire, Episode 5, Part 1: Like a Rat, But Much Nicer

The charming and delightful Paul Hogan welcomes us to The Next Joe Millionaire. As he sips his brandy, he reminds us that last week, several of the women did not enjoy the country life of their ranch date. This week, it’s back to the city. Please feel free to make your own Green Acres joke here. With two hours of action crammed into one night, I don’t have the energy to do it myself. Tonight, David and the women will go to Florence for individual dates. Paul asks, “Is it the money or his charm that fuels the competition?”

David says that he’s disappointed about Linda not being in the running anymore, but that he’s looking forward to his dates. Petra vows to cheer him up. She is looking forward to getting to know him better without the other women around. A sedan pulls up to the villa and we see Petra asking the driver if she can sit up front with him. I guess this scene is to tell us that Petra is just folks like the rest of us and most certainly not a gold digger.

Petra greets David in Florence with a kiss hello. She tells him, “You deserve some fun relaxed day.” The two of them walk to the Ponte Vecio bridge, where apparently you write a wish on a lock and add it to a big chain of locks. I’ve never heard of that before, but it looks cool. They agree not to tell each other their wishes so they’ll come true.

The two of them walk through the streets, laughing and having fun. They stop to browse in a jewelry shop. Petra admires a necklace with a purple stone, so David buys it for her. After this is over, the girl is going to have a rainbow of pendant necklaces, what with this and all of the elimination necklaces. Petra says, “I like when people give me gifts. I’m sort of a princess.” Hey, I like when people give me gifts, too! David thinks about the fact that in his regular life, he wouldn’t have been able to just buy Petra a necklace, that the most he could afford would be a Sno-Cone. But, he says, “I think she would have been happy with just a Sno-Cone.”

Petra and David stop for a bite to eat. She orders wine and asks the waiter to bring them the best. Petra tells David that she always asks for the best. David, showing his incredible sophistication, tells her that at home his family drinks wine in a box. When I was in high school, I went on a trip to Spain, and we discovered wine in a box for a dollar a liter. Quality stuff, I can assure you. Petra does not choose to question why a millionaire is drinking crappy wine, and insists that they toast Florence. David says, “Wine is so much better in Italy than in a box at home.” I don’t doubt that’s true, although the country in which you drink the wine might not be the only variable in this equation.

At the end of the date, David says that Petra really did cheer him up. He had a great time with her. Petra calls him, “a cowboy with a good heart.” David says he’s “a pretty happy guy.”

Back at the villa, Cat is getting ready for her date. She likes David and is looking forward to getting to know him without the other women around. Petra comes home from her date and Anique comments that it’s weird that they all have revolving dates with the same guy. Olinda is kind of snotty about Petra’s necklace, saying that it’s okay, but not really her style. Olinda says that she prefers diamonds.

For Cat’s date, she and David will start out in a sauna. David asks her if she likes saunas, and Cat says, “Like, um, naked?” Meanwhile, back in the villa, the other women, led by Olinda, make fun of Cat. Olinda calls her “German bitch” and makes fun of her in German. If you’re going to be catty, it’s always best to be multi-lingual.

Back in Florence, Cat is in a bikini, ready for some hot sauna action and, I must say, the girl is looking good. The sauna is in a grotto setting, like a big rocky cave. It’s really, really cool. David asks Cat if she likes sports. She says she likes water sports and the two of them talk about water skiing. Cat says in an interview that she could tell just by looking at David that he’s a special person. Meanwhile, the camera is treating us to all kinds of shots of David and Cat’s incredible bodies just dripping sweat in the sauna. Cat says in an interview that their conversation is going really well.

Back in the villa, we see still more of the Olinda Mocking Cat Show. Olinda says that Cat’s English is terrible and makes fun of her thick accent. I’m not really seeing that. Considering that it’s not her native language, Cat speaks English extremely well, and I don’t think her accent is hard to understand at all.

In her easy to understand English, Cat asks David if he had a good time on his date with Petra. David gives a vague answer—he doesn’t want to talk about it with Cat. Good for you, David. David says he was having a good time in the sauna with Cat, but that it’s time for dinner—oops, I mean “supper.” As they leave the spa, David says he could have sworn Cat tapped his butt. The kind editors give us an instant replay and we confirm that Cat did indeed play a quick round of grab-ass.

Over supper, Cat asks the waiter to bring the best red wine. Instead of tasting the wine in any manner approaching sophistication, David chugs his glass. In an interview, David says, “I keep having to remind myself not to cringe when these girls are spending my money.” That actually would be really hard. Cat suggests that David tell her what he thinks of the wine after he drinks two glasses of it.

It’s time for another scene of Olinda making fun of Cat. The women say that Cat can be really insulting. Olinda chants, “Cat is a ho and she’s gotta go.”