Average Joe, Episode 5: Like Extreme Makeover – In Reverse!

So we’re down to two Himbos and two Joes and one Melana. Of course, there’s always my hubba hubba goddess of red, Ms. Kathy Griffin, to go gaga over but hey, since she’s not really in this episode, there’s not much for me to say about her except that if I ever did meet her I would probably throw myself down at her feet and start speaking in tongues. I’m just thankful that they show episodes of her sitcom, Suddenly Susan at 2:30 in the morning here in NYC. I might not be sleeping much, but at least I get my dose of Kathy when I need it.

This is the episode of the fat suit. We’ve heard so much about it that to finally get to see it I feared would be almost anti-climactic.

I am so glad I was wrong.

But wait… we have so much more to get through before we even get to the fat suit and everything else that comes with that…

I guess because either they forgot to pay the rent on the bachelor pad or maybe they just decided it would up the unspoken sexual tension on the show, the men have moved from their place to Melana’s house for the remainder of the show. Now that has to be a little uncomfortable if they aren’t in separate wings because just imagine what would happen if Melana had to go to the bathroom in the middle of the night and Zach had left the toilet seat up. I don’t think she would like that.

Anyway, there are two dates with the same premise as before – two men go out and only one of them gets the private date at the end. As there are two Himbos and two Joes remaining, it means that we get to see one man from each team go out on the date to compete for Melana’s attention and affection. Of course, if history proves that it does in fact repeat itself them the Himbos should win out hands down but we shall see.

Mike (who everyone compared to Evan Marriott last week) is up against Adam, who I think is going to take it all in the end. It starts off with the trio making ceramic masks of each other. Basically, while one guy is having his face caked with the goo and sitting there waiting for it all to dry, the other guy get the chance to put his moves on Melana to get some extra make-out time and possibly even the one-on-one time at the end of the date. Adam is the first person to get all gooped up with straws up his nose so he can breathe. If this was me… well I couldn’t do it because my sinus passages don’t really allow me to breathe well through my nose. I mean I can do it, but I can’t take enough of a breath to sustain me for a long period of time in that position. Basically, what I’m saying is that I would probably wind up passing out from lack of oxygen and ultimately suffocate to death.

Adam is probably wondering what the heck is going on with Mike and Melana while he’s just sitting there and frankly, it’s perhaps one of the most inane conversations I have heard on a reality TV show in a long time. Between the “I saw something in you” and “I think you’re special” lines I’m really and truly left to ponder what the heck the pretty people of the world can actually talk about. I mean I know that there are intelligent pretty people but sadly, we aren’t really exposed to them as much since we’re only given people like Melana and Mike. Melana says that their… sigh… she used the word… CONNECTION is based on her attraction to him. If you remember, Melana went ga-ga over Mike when he stepped out of the limo on the first episode. Of course, if what Melana says is true then Vin Diesel and I have a really amazing connection that would border on spontaneous human combustion should we ever meet.

When it’s Mike’s turn to be masked, Adam tells Melana that the time on the show is critical. Pretty much he (and I for that matter as well) can understand that last week’s one-on-one dates went to the new guys in order for her to get a chance to get to know them better and have an accurate basis for deciding on which men she would keep in the end. This week, however, he wants her to be more serious in her decision-making and really think about who she wants to spend time with – not out of fairness, but out of attraction and interest.

All I had to say about this was, “Nice argument. Very valid points. You’re so not getting the one-on-one date, though.”

Finally, Melana gets to be masked and the guys decide to ask Melana a few yes/no questions to get to know her better. Of course these are things that you really want to be asked on national TV when your parents are probably watching and God knows how many of your friends, so it might just be better to lie on some of the answers (such as “Have you ever had a one night stand?” and “Have you ever faked an orgasm?”) and tell the truth on others (“Can a guy be too funny?”). For the record Melana said no to all of those questions, but please, we all know the real truth here. A guy can be too funny.