Thanksgiving festivities kept me away from the recapping madness for Episode 5 of Rich Girls, so I’m just gonna lump two weeks into one. And believe me… you’re not missing much. These people are so dull that the show aired during week five relied on a dog’s illness to maintain interest.
So let’s save us all some time here, shall we? Week five highlights included:
Jaime’s family has three dogs: Star, a teacup Maltese, is hers; Midge, an English bulldog, belongs to her brother Michael; and Sam, an Irish wolfhound, is primarily cared for by Shelia, Jaime’s mom.
Jaime and Ally are bored, so they walk the dogs and talk about the dogs peeing.
Their friend Andrea, an aspiring singer/songwriter, plays Ally, Jaime, and Shelia her demo. In turn, the three ladies show far more interest in Midge humping Shelia’s leg than in Andrea’s demo. Inspiring.
Midge hurls bright green vomit on the hardwood floor.
Midge’s head begins to shake in bobble-head fashion.
From these two things, Shelia thinks that perhaps Midge is sick and needs to go to the vet. (Nothing gets past that woman.)
They find out that Midge has pneumonia.
Michael sobs. Shelia comforts Michael.
Everyone is deeply depressed at the thought that Midge might not make it home.
Leo comes over. Leo and Shelia take Sam for a walk.
Sam craps on Katherine Hepburn’s property.
Shelia calls it “a poopie.” (Seriously, these are the highlights.)
Michael is still deeply wounded over the condition of his dog. To remedy this, Leo will take him golfing the next day.
Ally compliments Shelia on her hair and Shelia declares that her stylist gave her a blowjob. (Again, totally serious here.)
Shelia takes Jaime and Ally to a restaurant where, apparently, underage drinking is strongly encouraged as they imbibe several glasses of wine.
After ordering raw food, Shelia complains about how gross eating raw food is.
Shelia blabs to Ally about Michael’s huge crush on her. (That would be a crush on Ally, not Shelia. Shelia’s his mom, and that would be sick… but it would add a compelling storyline, wouldn’t it?) Shelia encourages Ally to “have an affair with my son.”
Insert cheesy Ally/Michael video montage.
Ally asks the waiter to give their leftover gross raw food to the homeless.
They discuss how important their exorbitant shopping habits are for the economy.
Shelia talks about how she’s probably going to die soon, and it’s revealed that she has multiple sclerosis.
Jaime starts to cry at the table. Shelia apologies for bringing it up over dinner.
Back at the apartment, Jaime asks Shelia if she would ever consider harming herself to end the disease. Shelia says she’d never do that, because she can’t bear the thought of someone else taking care of her dogs.
There’s more crying. (I think Jaime found that statement somewhat hurtful.)
Jaime returns a new purse that cost as much as Midge’s vet bills. She didn’t have to, but it was a gesture she thought she should make.
They pick up Midge because she’s all better!
Michael is filled with joy upon Midge’s return, and all is right with the Gleicher household once more.
Okay, are you ready to bulldoze through week six? I sure am!
The theme this week is Ally’s loss of childhood. Or that she didn’t really have a childhood. Or that she’s been raised in a stifling and demanding environment with 5,000 acres and an Olympic-sized swimming pool and never really got to be a kid.
So she’s at the house in Greenwich, CT, and on the phone with her dad, crying: “Parents are supposed to make their children’s lives easy all the time, you know, it’s just, I’m not going to have you there, like, in a jiffy…” She goes on: “I miss my childhood so much lately,” and continues about every one of her therapists telling her that she missed out on her childhood. She has this conversation poolside, and shots of her childhood bicycle, swing set (which looks more like an entire elementary school playground than just swings), etc. are cut in to make her look like just a big whiner.
She needs to talk to Jaime. So cut to Jaime in NYC, whose computer has just crashed. Shelia takes Jaime to buy a new one (“it’s like buying a puppy!”), and they purchase a tiny “it’s so cute!!” laptop for the drop-in-the-bucket price of $2,700.
We return to Ally. She is sick of depending on everyone else to take care of her. In what may be the boldest decision so far in her young life, Ally decides to go grocery shopping for stuff to make burritos and nachos. While she shops, it becomes painfully clear that Ally has little to no idea what actually goes into a burrito or what goes on top of nachos. She pleads with a sales clerk for guidance, and he looks at her as though she’s asking him for help in curing cancer. (What kind of beans and cheese should she use, man? Help a clueless little rich girl out, c’mon!)
Ally goes home with the fixins. Her friend Danielle comes over and chats a blue streak while Ally attempts to prepare her food. Ally freaks out because she’s starving, but she doesn’t know what she’s doing. Danielle suggests 45 solutions without taking a breath and Ally storms out of the kitchen. “I’ve got to get away from this mess!” (CALL FOR DELIVERY, KID.)
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