The Simple Life, Episode 3: Heiresses with Hairnets

This week’s episode of The Simple Life begins with Nicole and Paris in a setting a little closer to their natural habitat. Hog Calls Sports Bar might not be one of the hottest clubs in L.A., but for Arkansas, it’s not bad. Paris and Nicole are gyrating wildly across the dance floor in tiny slip dresses. Paris does some kind of hip shimmy move that involves her lifting her dress so high that the censors have to pixelate once more. I’m not sure what they’re pixelating, though, because it appears to me that Paris was tragically born with no ass. Seriously, the girl is heiney-impaired. Jennifer Lopez could give her one of her cheeks, and she’d still have a bad case of the flat-ass. But I digress. As Paris shows off her shocking disability, Nicole is making out with one of the local boys. Paris laughs and says, “Dude, she makes out with everybody.” Clearly, the girls have found something fun to do. But according to the announcer, just a short while before, they were nearly bored to tears.

We cut to 48 hours earlier. Paris and Nicole are at St. Mary’s Church at the meeting of a quilting circle. Okay, come on—there is no one in the room who doesn’t have gray hair—it’s not like this is a typical activity for a 22-year-old girl who lives in Arkansas. This scene is obviously staged, and it annoys me when the producers feel the need to make stuff up. As far as I’m concerned, Paris and Nicole do enough crazy stuff that they don’t have to embellish. Anyway, the girls introduce themselves to the quilters. One of the women asks if they brought thimbles, which of course they haven’t. But they did bring their unique fashion sense. Nicole is wearing a skin-baring one shouldered top. Paris is wearing a floppy newsboy hat with ducks on it. I kid you not. The quilters show off some of their work and attempt to teach the girls technique. Paris doesn’t even try to hide her boredom.

Instead of just sighing about being so bored, Nicole attempts to take action. She asks the ladies of the quilting circle, “Don’t you ever get bored of making, like, squares?” She suggests that they try doing something edgier, “like cigarette burns.” The women don’t think that would go over very well. Nicole then suggests that they put paint on the quilts, like graffiti. Again, the women don’t think Altus is quite ready for that yet. Wouldn’t it be awesome if, after the show was over, Nicole in addition to her career of screaming at cattle, became a cutting edge quilt designer? There is indeed more to the textile arts than a simple wedding ring quilt, and perhaps as the new bad girl designer of the quilting world, Nicole could shake some dust off of the stuffy image of quilts.

Paris says that she thinks it must be boring to talk about quilts all the time. Nicole asks them if they like to gossip about boys while they sew. I’ll bet you anything that the women of the quilting circle do not just sit around and talk about quilts, and that they do indeed hang out and talk, and maybe even gossip. The women smile and laugh a bit nervously when Nicole asks them if any of them have hot sons. One woman says she has hot grandsons. Nicole says, “I should have met you the first day I got here!” She tells the women that they should tell their grandsons, “We’re single, and we’re here for five weeks.” Clearly, Nicole is trying her hardest to make the best out of the situation. In contrast, Paris picks up her handbag and says, “I’m bored,” and steers Nicole to the door.

Back at the Leding house, Paris calls her sister Nicky. She tells Nicky that Altus is a ridiculously small town, and that there’s nothing to do. The worst thing about it, though, is that they have no money or credit cards and have to work. “Every day is a different job,” she sighs. Gee, Paris, maybe if you didn’t keep getting fired, that wouldn’t be true. Paris tells her sister that working is not fun, and that it is, in fact, work.

The next morning, Janet wakes Paris and Nicole at the ripe old hour of 5:30. It’s the first day of their new job at the local Sonic drive-in. Curly asks Paris if she likes to eat at Sonic. Paris has never been there. She wonders who on earth would eat a cheeseburger so early in the morning. Curly says, “They have a real good breakfast. They have sausage on a stick.” That’s awesome.

True to form, Paris and Nicole arrive at Sonic at 7:15, a full forty-five minutes late. Once again, they offer no excuses or apologies for showing up late. It’s like they don’t even know that getting to work late is considered a bit taboo. The Sonic manager gives the girls their first day paperwork—the employee manual, salary information, and tax forms. She says that one of the forms is to indicate how many people they want to claim on their taxes. Paris and Nicole say they have no idea what she’s talking about. The manager smiles nervously; I don’t think she knows where to begin to explain income tax withholding to the two girls. She changes the subject by handing the girls their hairnets. Nicole cackles a laugh, and she and Paris head to the ladies room to put on their new finery. The two spend some time primping in front of the mirror, trying desperately to make the hairnets look cute. Nicole says, “I’m going to start crying, I feel so ugly.”