The Simple Life, Episode 5: Birdhouse in Your Soul

The narrator begins this week’s episode of The Simple Life by saying that in Beverly Hills, Paris and Nicole could do anything they wanted with no consequences, but that in Arkansas, things are different. That statement is completely untrue. Nicole, for example, learned that driving with a suspended license and a baggie of heroin will land you in rehab. And Paris learned that if you trust your boyfriend and let him make a videotape of the two of you having sex, he might sell it on the internet, much to your humiliation. You know… for example. Anyway, the girls have yet to hold down a job, but this week, they will try again.

It’s day 16, and Paris and Nicole have a job interview with a livestock auctioneer. For their job interview, the girls are wearing pink tank tops, short shorts, and newsboy hats. First, of course, I’d like to note how very professional those outfits are. What a fine way for them to make an impression on their prospective employer on their seriousness! Also, isn’t it weird the way the two of them tend to dress alike? They also had matching outfits on when they worked at the dairy farm. Kent Reading, the auctioneer, tells the girls that their job would be to get the cattle ready for auction. Paris says, “We’d rather be the auctioneers.” Kent tells her that’s his job, and no, he does not want to trade. He asks them if they have any previous experience with cows. They do, of course—back in episode two, when they “worked” in a dairy farm (if by “worked,” you mean spilled milk on the ground, snuck off to use the farmer’s hot tub, and took a nap on his couch). Nicole lies through her teeth and says that working at the dairy farm was “so fun.” Meanwhile, Tinkerbell runs around Kent’s office and Paris chaws on a huge wad of gum. Perhaps she is trying to impress him by emphasizing her own resemblance to a cow.

Nicole asks the important question of what they would wear to work. Kent tells them that their current outfits would not be appropriate. Nicole asks if it would be okay if she wore her short shorts with a pair of over the knee boots. To illustrate her point, she swings her long legs onto Kent’s desk and gestures to where the boots would be. It’s probably supposed to be sexy, but it comes across as just weird. Paris learns that there will be twenty guys helping them in their job. Nicole immediately becomes more interested in the job, asking, “Hot guys?” Kent guesses so. He tells them that most of the guys are married, but Nicole is still interested.

That night is game night at the Leding house. The whole family, Paris and Nicole included, gathers in the living room to play a trivia game. The girls have no idea who sang “Stand by Your Man,” but they do know that Shannon Doherty’s hit show was Beverly Hills 90210. Paris says, “I hate that bitch,” and I can’t help but wonder if she has actually met Ms. Doherty, which would be really funny. Paris and Nicole also know that DKNY stands for Donna Karan New York and that the famous French film festival is in Cannes. They do not, however, know who the current secretary of state is. Braxton, does, though, and immediately pipes up, “Colin Powell.” Give me a damn break—he’s three. Someone obviously fed him that answer.

Later, Paris, Nicole, and Justin snuggle up together and talk about Mother’s Day. It’s coming up, and the girls don’t know what to get Janet. Justin says he already got his mom’s gift and he has no suggestions for Paris and Nicole. They talk about getting her flowers, but Paris says that she hates it when someone gives her flowers for her birthday, because they’re just going to die in two days anyway. Nicole indignantly says, “It’s the thought that counts, Paris. You’re such a bitch.” In an interview, Justin says that he’s impressed that the girls are planning to give Janet a gift for Mother’s Day. He hopes they follow through with it.

The next morning at 7:15, Paris and Nicole are in the truck, ready for work. They aren’t excited to go, and joke about going shopping instead. Janet comments to Albert that she’s glad they finally left on time. Yet at 8:05, they still aren’t at work. Kent says he plans to dock their pay for being late. Good idea, Kent. At 8:25, we find the girls at the drive-through of a fast food place ordering breakfast. If they’re at the same Sonic they got fired from in last week’s episode, they better hope no one spits on their sausage-on-a-stick. Also, where were they between 7:15 and 8:25? At 8:40, they finally arrive at work—one hour and ten minutes late. At their two previous jobs, the girls also showed up late, and they didn’t offer any excuses or apologies. This time is different—Paris makes up a story about how the truck broke down and they almost crashed. See, now they’re making up lies to explain their tardiness. That’s growth, right? They’re really learning responsibility now!

The first task of the day is to help Kent sort the cattle into different pens. Each girl will herd the cattle into a pen, opening the gates when Kent calls her name. At first, things are going pretty well. The girls seem to do pretty well at opening the gates when called. Paris says that one of the cows is cute and tries to pet another, so she is obviously a lot more comfortable with animals than she was when they first got to Arkansas. But then she and Nicole notice a guy their age who they know from town, so naturally they stop working to flirt with him. Kent quickly puts a stop to that and directs the girls to get back to work. The boy they were flirting with turns to his friend and says, “He’s working the hell out of them.” They agree that it’s good. Note that the guys seem to be performing the important task of hanging on the gates watching Paris and Nicole work. Looks like the girls’ work ethic is contagious.