World Idol: The World Has Spoken!

Welcome to World Idol, the results show! Eleven Idols from around the world performed for a jury of judges (some of whom were only too willing to snatch a little publicity for themselves by being needlessly brutal!) for... um, well, nothing. Other than the right to be called the Idol of the world! (thunderclap!)

Last week, we saw Poland’s Alex declare her undying hatred for her own nation’s judge representative, Kuba. We saw Germany’s Alexander make a horrifically bad song choice. We saw Belgium’s Peter Evrard defend his right to rock. We saw Kelly Clarkson and Will Young, two world-beaters already, compete for a title they don’t really need. And, we saw Kurt Nilsen make a serious play for a title that might do him some good.

Ant and Dec welcome us (America, remember Ryan Seacrest is too busy) and tell us that we are going to hear the results of one of “the biggest phone votes ever!” Time to introduce the Idols! The eleven march out, Kelly looks smashing in her black number!

Ant and Dec take us through a recap, though you can read every critique aired, and a few not, right here.

We will hear those results tonight, but first, here’s former Spice Girl, Victoria Beckham (what???)! Victoria peppily implores us to “Let Your Head Go” though she forgot some of the words and treated us to some gruesome lip-synching. You know, Posh Spice, as she used to be known, before she married a soccer superstar and became the ersatz Queen of England, never sang lead on a Spice Girls song. We are hearing that there was very good reason for that. By the way, Kylie Minogue called. She wants her oeuvre back.

Once she’s done with that exhausting dress-swinging, she pants to Ant & Dec that she “really liked Kelly.” Some boos came and she quickly adds, “Will was good too! Please buy my album, I forgot where I was! Silly me!” Okay, the last part was me.

Well, that was refreshing. But, not really.

Now for the results. Oh wait, Ant and Dec introduce us to a “world treasure” named Sir Elton John! Elton John performs “Are You Ready For Love” with his usual professionalism, but there is something a bit forced about his smile when he finishes. I know a bit about Elton, and I can tell you that he is a vicious perfectionist. If anything is off, he’ll stop in the middle of a song and berate someone! I would bet that version was not the first the audience heard! Still, for someone of his stature to appear on this show is special.

Ant & Dec remind us that the third season of American Idol is quickly ascending. They give us a preview. Six cities and 70,000 auditions! Some contestants were quite good, but we saw many who were definitely not. A few did not take the bad news well, someone threw a drink, another had to have security escort him out! This is gonna be GREAT!

NOW, it’s time for the results. Ant & Dec take us from country to country, point to point. Before the world speaks, here’s how I ranked them!

11. Alex
10. Alexander
9. Diana
8. Peter
7. Jamai
6. Heinz
5. Ryan
4. Will
3. Kurt
2. Guy
1. Kelly

Remember, the respective nation’s Idol gets the maximum 12 points. The rest get 10 points for a first place finish, 9 points second, 8 points for third and on down the line.

First, England weighs in:

1. Kurt - Norway
2. Kelly - USA
3. Peter - Belgium
4. Heinz - South Africa
5. Guy - Australia
6. Ryan - Canada
7. Diana - Pan Arab Nations
8. Alex - Poland
9. Alexander - Germany
10. Jamai - Holland

Kurt doing a U2 song, U2 being enormously popular in the UK, could explain this. Kelly Clarkson has had singles chart well in the UK and that could have helped her as well. Surprises, Peter’s strong finish sort makes Simon’s argument as silly as it should. Jamai ranking deadlast... I have no explanation.