The Surreal Life 2, Episode 2: The Vanilla Ice Therapy Hour

Before we begin, a couple of ancillary notes that mean nothing to anyone. I was flipping through the channels one afternoon this week and saw Ron Jeremy on Moral Court. He was the accuser and I didn't catch the whole thing because my kiddos came home from school and I'm particular about what TV they are exposed to, but the gist of it was some kind of moral battle of porn vs. prostitution. Also a correction: I mentioned last week that it looked like Erik was wearing a toupee but it's been brought to my attention that what he was doing was moving his scalp in such a way that it looks like you're adjusting a toupee. I didn't mean to disparage his full and luxurious head of fabulous hair. I am not being sarcastic; he has great hair. I just didn't get the gag. Maybe this show is too complicated for me.

One last thing, I said last week that since Vanilla was annoyed by being referred to as Vanilla Ice that's what I would call him since he annoyed me? Well it's merely Vanilla now since after tonight, his dignity, such as it is, isn't worth the time it takes me to type out the three extra letters and a shift key.

Okay, with that out of the way let's get to it. We have new opening credits. Replacing the voiceover from Danny Bonaduce we have sound bites of the cast talking about themselves: Erik refers to CHiPs being a major hit, and he was a TV hunk and more. Ron has the record for adult films, working up to three sex scenes a week. Tammy Faye says she never wanted to cry on TV again, but now she's gone and done it. Vanilla is sick of being perceived as an image. Trishelle: "I drink a lot, and I'm sure all of America thinks I'm a totally slut." Traci: Is the most realest celeb ever! Oh, and she isn't a bimbo.

The show begins with Ron sleeping naked and Erik doing push-ups, musing about how he misses his real life. Ron wakes up and tells us how he showers each and every morning with Trishelle and Traci but not at the same time. That isn't exactly showering with someone, it's using the same shower, but who am I to let logic interfere with a lame joke? He's hoping for a drought so they will have to conserve water and shower together. Yeah, that'll happen. I lived in California and there was a drought at the time, so that was the first thing I did after I put a brick in my toilet. I looked for a porn star with whom to shower.

Down in the kitchen, the guys are making breakfast. Vanilla prepares some eggs and bacon, which apparently Ron didn't find too appetizing since he teased Vanilla for preferring that to the omelet he had offered him. It was a light moment and I hope you didn't blink as you'd have missed it... here comes the drama. There is no salt! Last week they expected him to eat non-Jimmie Dean sausage and unfrosted flakes and now there is no salt? What this man has to endure – it's like the Fear Factor of breakfast foods. So in typical Ice fashion he handles it as any 30-something-year-old man would and throws a tantrum.

Erik says he calls Vanilla "Johnny Rocket" because he's always going off like a rocket. That isn't even accurate. Rockets explode but then they shoot off into space and go away. Like an antibiotic-resisting rash, Vanilla doesn't go away; he lingers and slowly drives you insane. But back to the story. Vanilla can't eat his eggs without salt and they are getting cold, so the clock is ticking. He will not have cold, unsalted eggs I tell you! So he does what any person would do when they need a seasoning and don't mind committing criminal mischief to get it? He breaks into the pantry. The pantry is an off-limits part of the house so he jimmys in, seemingly damaging the door in the process. Erik, the voice of reason, tries to stop him to no avail. He tears through the pantry looking for the salt and the sugar while Erik pleads with him to respect the man's privacy. What man? The owner of the house or "the man" as in Shaft will be walking through the door any minute? I guess we'll never know as it isn't explained but we do learn that Vanilla doesn't have to respect the man, but the man has to respect his stomach.

Trishelle interviews that Vanilla has had some anger management counseling and that he should really get his money back as it didn't exactly help. Two words: Truth screamer. The Surreal Times shows up on the doorstep, and they find out that they will be trying their hands at working in a restaurant today. Actually, it says that this restaurant's customers will served by "high wattage mega-stars." I'll just let that joke stand alone. There will be someone managing them. I wonder who it could be? There's the doorbell and look – it's Gary Coleman! Erik knows before he opens the door by the shadow who it is. Yeah? I think I'd be self-conscious to have such a distinctive shadow.

Vanilla is not happy at all about what he refers to as the "cheese factor" that is Gary Coleman. It takes a minute for the absolute absurdity of that comment to sink in so I'll wait. Have you processed that? (Would that make it processed cheese? Sorry, I'm losing brain cells by the minute here. Did I mention I had to watch this twice?) Vanilla Ice is referring to someone else as cheese. You know what's funny is that he has no idea how ironic that is. I almost feel bad laughing at him. Nah, I really don't so let's continue.

Trishelle, on the other hand, is really excited to see Gary and refers to him as a "cute little man." How very patronizing of her. He tells us he will be managing the six of them while they work a shift at Mel's Diner, the proceeds of which will go to charity. Gary takes this managerial job seriously and so he interviews them each to determine their appropriate positions. Gary takes everything very seriously, as we will soon see.