Battle Scars: From the Gauntlet to the Inferno

Looks like my preview article wasn’t redundant after all. This episode abandons the old format, where the show’s host and a cast member talk up the season. Instead, we get a final look back at The Gauntlet, and a quick peek into The Inferno. Also, I get to tell some people to shut up one last time. I do that a lot.

Scenes from Gauntlet. Scenes from Inferno: Guys trashing a room with guitars, paintballs, bungee jumping, running on a wall, exercise bike, giant dominos, and David naked.

Voiceover Guy talks about sunny Acapulco and a $12 million house. “All quiet and serene,” VOG notes, “until The Inferno comes to town!” Players cheering upon arrival. Guys wrestling with each other, Katie going on a bitch fit. Coral and Mike argue. Guys do damage with guitars. Julie squirts lotion on Jeremy. Ace helps Syrus with his chicken costume. Abram wrestles somebody. Katie and Veronica fight. Katie: “This game is so [bleeping] nasty.” Zip line mission with Katie kicking and screaming. Bridge bungee. Guys with their heads in bug-filled boxes. Abram says he’s done. He’s wearing a mohawk for some reason.

Voiceover Guy tells us that before we get into The Inferno, we have to take care of Gauntlet business. Clips time! Theo V. tells Alton to help Irulan pack. Roni takes a picture of Abram, Rachel R., and Veronica in the tub. Coral can’t believe Mike sent her to the Gauntlet. Coral almost dies during Gold Rush. Theo G.: “We’re Real World. Keep it real.” I’m sorry... what show are you on, again?

Voiceover Guy drops by one last time to tell us to get to the source of the RW/RR rivalry. Cut to Day One and Mike saying, “Road Rules, kiss my ass, baby!” Upon reflection, I prefer Jisela’s opener from Battle of the Seasons: “MTV, kiss my ass, because I’m not afraid of heights!” Mike interviews that RW is full of drama kings and queens. Coral thinks RW is more popular and that RR is “the red-headed stepchild.” Rachel R.: “I think they feel superiority over Road Rules, and I think Road Rules has to continue to kick their ass in every single mission until they get it.” Trishelle figures that RW has more fun, while RR is more concerned with competition. Katie thinks that RR has more rivalry within itself.

Title card: “Boys vs. Girls.” Coral interviews that the guys voted off the women, thinking that would help them. Sarah thinks it was weird seeing Adam’s anti-women interviews. Cut to Adam telling Dave and Theo V. that they should vote off the women. Katie becomes the first person to tick me off by saying some women, especially Sarah, let it happen. She continue, “Me, I was like, ‘I went already. Eat [bleep].’” Hey, Katie? Maybe if you didn’t waste your energy bitching out your teammates, you would’ve beaten Rachel B. Rachel R. considers the women to be the backbone of the RR team. Clips of Veronica and Roni winning missions back her up. “I wasn’t trying to vote off the girls,” Abram interviews. “If I had a team of Amazonians [sic], I’d be like, ‘Make me some money, man.’” Veronica: “It’s not like they were trying to have all boys. I’m sorry, but not all girls are strong.”

Segue to the next segment: “Road Rules vs. Sarah.” In a nice touch, the editors pipe in “Where Is the Love?” by Black Eyed Peas. Sarah laughs about how there were three teams: RW, RR and herself. Cut to Jonny calling her up to the Gauntlet five times. Mike thinks that RR copped out by going after an easy target. Veronica: “If one of our weakest players - Sarah - keeps coming back because she wins in the Gauntlet, she’s still our weakest. It doesn’t change that.” Rachel R. snipes about Sarah getting disqualified several times. Cut to Sarah dropping the cat in Inferno. Rachel: “She was complaining.” Cut to Sarah telling the team that her back hurt. “She quit on us.” Cut to Sarah, unable to move up the rope in All or Nothing. How many Roadies actually completed that mission? One. “And those are characteristics that when there’s $150,000 on the line, you don’t mess with. You send that person into the Gauntlet.” Dear Lord! Sarah’s still out there! Her underachieving will destroy us all! It kills me that I saw Rachel love Sarah last week, and now she’s badmouthing her all over again.

Trishelle: “If I would have been on the Road Rules team, I would have put Sarah in the Gauntlet every single time, every time. She sucks as a competitor.” First of all, I have to laugh anytime I hear Trishelle say the word “suck.” Second, I’m guessing somebody is a little bitter over her Gauntlet loss to the sucky competitor. Third, notice that Trishelle says that exactly as Adam would have. More on that later. Coral is proud of Sarah. “Gauntlets suck,” Sarah interviews. “I can’t put it any more simply than that. They just really blow. They both suck and blow. I don’t like them, I don’t ever want to do them again, ever.”

Next segment: “Friendship vs. Competition.” In previously unseen footage, Nathan argues with a hot-tubbing Katie. “I swear to God,” she shouts, “if she fell down, I would help this bitch up in a second.” The camera pans past Adam to Trishelle. Mike interviews that he takes friendship out of the game and looks at performance. Katie claims that RR took issue with her friendship with Trishelle. “We’re roommates and friends first, way before the shows,” she continues. “Fortunately, I like Real World people better, not because they’re on The Real World, but because they’re nicer people.” Coral notes that Katie and Trishelle traded secrets. “As soon as the competition starts,” Katie says, “that’s when the friendliness dies.”

“Road Rules vs. Alton & Irulan.” Cue the Irulan/Sarah Gauntlet. Coral interviews that RR booed Irulan when she was announced, and that set the tone for the nastiness. Irulan falls into the water, sealing Sarah’s win. Coral adds that Theo V. yelled “Ding dong, the witch is dead!” That’s harsh. Clip of Theo screaming “Go home!” and Nathan holding back an angry Alton. “Alton was ready to beat Theo down,” Mike interviews. “Back in the house, we basically had to keep him in the basement because he was looking for Theo. He wanted to basically kill Theo.” Sarah says that Alton and Irulan had been yelling at production all the time. She didn’t bring up getting hugged by a production member for wasting Irulan in the Gauntlet , which she discusses on her web site. Cut to Irulan making noise with her clapper, then threatening to drop Veronica. Sarah adds that RR would lash out at RW. “After a while,” she continues, “it became this giant feuding extravaganza.” Rachel considers Alton and Irulan a team within a team, which she thinks wasn’t good. Trishelle: “You can definitely use relationships with people to manipulate the game.” The sad thing is, I bet she’s not even thinking about herself.