The Bachelorette 2, Episode 3: I’ll Take Stupid Things You Should Never Do on ‘The Bachelorette’ for $2,000, Alex

Okay we all know how much fun I make of this show with my tongue firmly planted in my cheek. It might make it a bit difficult to talk when my tongue is in my cheek but at least I know what I’m saying.

So let’s see… last week we had to cut five guys and millions around the world mourned with me as Damon was cut before we got to see him without his shirt on. I did get many people asking if I knew where to get topless pictures of the Arena Football player who is now the object of lust for so many people, and the answer to that, sadly, is no. If someone happens to have some on hand that they would like to share, well I guarantee that they would be gladly accepted and, perhaps, even posted here for mass consumption.

This week there are three dates. There’s one solo date, one two-person date, and one group date. How were these dates chosen? Well, according to Smitty, they are doing things differently this week - and I don’t know how different it can be since we’ve already seen this process before – the “winners” are based on the psychological compatibility tests done before the show. In fact, the solo date winner is deemed the most compatible, the next two with the highest scores get to share a date with Meredith, and I guess are the runners up (and if for any reason the solo date winner is unable to complete his date or is crowned the new Miss Universe, then the first runner will assume the solo date). Finally, the last guys who are so out of the money on this one have to fight for her time on a group date.

With that Smitty hands the tape off to Ryan R. who promptly plays it for the masses. We see Meredith doing her best geisha impersonation, which made me wonder if it was really Halloween when they shot this show. Actually, it’s just their cheesy way of telling Ian that he’s got the one on one date to Chinatown with Meredith. Ryan R. doesn’t look happy about the decision and neither does Rick. One of the better moments of the show comes when Sean actually speaks (because we were never sure if he actually could) to Rick about treating Meredith as if she was a game. Apparently Sean has been rubbed the wrong way by Rick ever since Rick got the first solo date. Well, if you had brought her slippers, too, then maybe you could have had the first date.

I’ve gotten a lot of questions about Ian especially since at one point he said he was “retired.” Now, since he’s in “equity research sales” it is highly conceivable that he’s made a lot of money in the stock market and could, theoretically, have made enough money to retire and live in one of the most expensive cities in all of the United States. And, theoretically, he should have invited me over to his place at least once to have drinks or something because, after all, we know how powerful my opinion is in the world of ABC reality TV broadcasting. (Pause and wait as my entire reading audience bursts into fits of laughter.)

So we’re off to Chinatown and we have to continue the dead family member montage that we started with Meredith during Bachelor Bob Really Doesn’t Like Any of the Women, He Just Wants More Camera Time when her grandmother passed away. With this edition we learn that Ian’s mother passed away when he was three. Now, this might not be the way to start off dinner conversation on your first real date. I mean on the date I had this weekend (and to my fan club out in Harrisburg, PA, we’re down to two instead of the five I was at before) we talked about work and education and beauty pageants (I swear we did but we had a good reason to talk about it). We did talk about family but nothing to the extent of, “Oh by the way when I was in the sixth grade my grandfather died.”

Anyway, enough about that…we get to Chinatown and the first thing I notice is that the place is empty. I mean, this is Los Angeles; there are people everywhere. Did they just buy off everyone who wanted to come into the area? Barricades maybe? You would think there would be at least one street vendor selling knock-off Kate Spade handbags or something. How the hell did they clear off this entire section of town? Well this is the power of television, so maybe they just edited them all out?

At dinner, Meredith asks Ian what he’s looking to accomplish on the show. Part of me thinks this is a dumb question because we all know what the end result of the show is… right? You get a ring and then you dump each other. Ian, however, gives me some food for thought when he says that he’s ready only for a girlfriend and goes on to say that even if he fell madly in love with her, he would never propose to her on national TV because that’s just not the way he is, and finally I get a man that I don’t want to bitchslap into the next century. I’m also thankful that he didn’t pull out a poem he wrote and decide to do a dramatic reading. It seems that the Ryan Sutter Poetry Moment has infiltrated at least one episode of every dating show since he decided to read his crappy love odes to Trista, and frankly if I can get through this season without it I will be happy.

As for Meredith, I’m not sure how to read her response. She mutters something about not looking to be engaged either, but I bet she’s not hoping for the friggin’ “promise ring” like Bob gave Estella (that she’s probably gonna sell on eBay and make a ton of money on) either. Frankly, I think she should be glad that Ian at least recognizes that even after only six weeks of “dating” (because not everyone has cameras following them around on their dates) he still has to get to know her better before he can make that kind of commitment.